Feel like I'm definitely on a path to self destruction. But why?

[Jlol]

Over the last few months I've purposely stopped seeing friends, cut off family, and stopped doing 'self care' stuff. 

Best guesses are I feel like I "don't deserve" these, or find these things too much effort.

But I don't know why I feel that way. Would anyone know why this could be?

[Ru-bee]

Hi @Jlol

Did anything happen in these past few months? It could have been a new event, or the memory of an old one, or a cumulation of little ones, something that affected you and the way you've been feeling?

How has your mental health been? We can naturally begin to isolate ourselves and spend less time on self-care when our mental state begins to decline.

Is this something you've done in the past, or is this new for you?

Just a few questions to try to help you identify what's been at the root of this for you. It can be really hard to admit when we're pushing others away and not taking time to take care of ourselves, let alone take the time to understand the cause, so good on you for taking this time to reflect on this. It's not an easy thing to do.

[MermaidHair]

Hey @Jlol,

When I have been through stages like this it generally means my depression or mental health is worsening and the main triggers for me are things like stress or overwhelm, grief or loss, poor sleep or nutrition, lack or loss of routine, or a combination of these things. Sometimes I can't even pinpoint a trigger but troubleshooting my life by adding supports, making changes and trying different things can get me back to myself again.

It can be really hard when you feel undeserving or like things are too difficult, but you're not alone. Have you told anybody else what you're going through?  

[Jlol]

Thanks @Ru-bee 

>Did anything happen in these past few months?

Nothing in particular has happened in the past few months. I do have a lot of memories of past events but its been that way for me for a long time before that.

>How has your mental health been? We can naturally begin to isolate ourselves and spend less time on self-care when our mental state begins to decline.

My mental health has always been very poor (childhood trauma). I guess it has been worse lately too, but I don't know why. Now that you mention it, my self-care has also been in slight decline (not eating dinner some nights, stopped cleaning as much as I used to). It's not significant, but it has declined a little.

>Is this something you've done in the past, or is this new for you?

No, this is new. Which is kinda frightening. Like I said, I've had MH issues for a long time. Now it's kind of like "oh great! A new symptom!".

[Jlol]

Thanks @MermaidHair 

>Have you told anybody else what you're going through? 

No I haven't. I've never found that particularly helpful to be honest, and I don't really do therapists (can't afford the ones that specialise in trauma, and the 'general' ones feel they cannot support me and tell me to see the trauma specialists).

[Ru-bee]

I feel that @MermaidHair made a lot of really good points with these 'self destructive' behaviours often coming up when we experience a decline in mental wellbeing. 

While it doesn't sound like there's been a drastic decline that you have noticed recently @Jlol perhaps the slight worsening that you've noticed has been enough to bring on this want to push others away.

I wonder how you'd feel if you pushed back against these impulses reached out to a friend or family member? 

I hear you with the difficulties and expense of accessing trauma mental health supports, though if you do feel like talking about what's happening for you would be helpful two free services you could reach out to are: SANE's support line on 1800 187 263, or Blue Knot on 1300 657 380

[Jlol]

Thanks @Ru-bee 

It's hard to explain but I just "can't" reach out. I don't know why but it makes me more stressed during, and then a big come-down afterwards. I think that's part of the reason why I stopped.

Yep, I've been calling Sane almost every other day now, but to be honest there's not much they can do other than advise me to see a shrink. I've tried Blue Knot a few times but never gotten through (I guess they're very busy).