not coping

[outlander]

i got here at 5 this morning with mum at work andd kids asleep. I couldnt get her up and thought she had passed but she wasnt. i got her up and walked her till 8 when vet got here and now had to watch get put to sleep and then get buried.

7 hours of walking in less than 24 hours and 2 vet visits and we couldnt save her. the verts brang portable ultrasounds to see if they could pick anything up and what was coming up wasnt good.

she was in so much pain already and she wouldnt have survived the minimum 10,000 surgury we couldnt afford it anyway.  so this was the best thing to do for her.
This is one of the hardest things ive had to do.
Im completely devastated. i just have to keep thinking shes in a better place now

@Queenie

[outlander]

@Owlunar
I just have to keep thinking that this was the best option and while it was so hard to decide what do to I know in my heart it was the right choice.
I can recover from grief but she wouldnt have recovered from this. It would have been selfish to have tried to keep her alive with pointless treatments and her endless sufferring. She doesnt deserve that. Shes had 20 good years and have made so many kids happy, this is what she deserved. To go with honour.

Yes I know your son was adopted and the rough time youve been through

yes I think im older than what your son was, im not sure what age he passed but I know he too was young. I cant break the chains when people are constanlty relying on me.
Today I was asked if I was ok but stay strong because my sisters and mum need me.

I dont feel strong and how I managed to watch what I did today, I really dont know. No one else could do it and I wasnt going to just walk away from her, not after the efforts that she had put in herself to keep going. Whether it be h

[Queenie]

@outlander don't be afraid to shed tears at the loss of your much-loved horse. I know when I had to say goodbye to mine, I cried off and on for quite a while. It's okay to not to be okay. Perhaps you could honour her memory at a later date by drawing a picture of her? Keep it personal and remember, you don't have to feel pressured to share it with anyone if you don't want to. I still draw pictures of my old horses and like to think, wherever they are now, they know they were loved. 

[Maggie]

@outlander I'm so sorry to hear about your beloved horse. I truly feel with you. You are going through far too much for such a young person. You can't always be strong for everyone else @outlander you are important too, and your feeling matter. I'm sitting quietly with you. Warm hug 

[outlander]

@Former-Member@Former-Member@TAB@Former-Member

thank you all for the well wishes. sorry ive dragged you over here. i think its better here than in a general conversation thread.

but i wanted to thank you all

i know i said i was going to take a break but i really need some company right now.

i thought i could handle it by myself but i dont think i can

[outlander]

@Queenie im wondering what people thought today. whether i wanted to cry or not tears have been flowing all day. i walked through the mall in that state. i had to get money out to pay the escavator 😞

i cant even look at a photo yet let alone draw her but maybe when its not so raw i can draw something to remember her by

[TAB]

..where's here .. lol .. oh ok .. yes, agree, but tis what it is re threads and convos starting @outlander. There's only One Rule in this Club.. ok you are allowed to mention it soz movie ref lol .. chatting good. Get comfortable. Be kind to yourself. Ok that's 2 rules lol . 😀

[outlander]

@Maggie im trying to keep it together as best i can for everone else. i dont know what would ahppen if i fell apart even worse than last time.

ive already had to hold my stuff together when my nan passed away and this is number ive lost count how many times now ive had to keep myself together.

thanks for sitting with me. i could really use the company right now as much as i hate asking for help

[outlander]

thanks @TAB 

[outlander]

@Former-Member thank you for you well wishes. it means alot to me.

i know i said i was going to leave for abit but i think i need to be here more than alone in my room at the moment. so i guess you convinced me to stay