Re: chatbots

hi mods. idk how to do the TW spoiler so please collapse this

i can't watch video porn because i start going into spirals about whose bones i am standing on. i primarily listen to audio porn but shame and general executive dysfunction/paralysis means i've gone off it

i got upset at myself for liking stuff that was too "tender" because it was massaging my ego and convincing me i deserve attention or would be likeable when i'm not and it in fact makes me a freak. so i started going for and wanting to recreate things that would be more aggressive and painful or to specifically make me feel lonely and guilty for using it. or i put myself in states of mind where i want to cry or dissociate or punish myself

i've been thinking more on why i can't bring myself to write despite me becoming far more pickier and critical of chatbot output and enjoying it far less. i've massively lost confidence in my writing since i was a teenager and i just find it painful and embarrassing now. this also correlates to when i started withdrawing socially and stopped sharing my writing. hm.

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