Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

[Zoe7]

@Sans911 I'll say the same to you as I say to anyone - your struggles are no more nor no less than mine - only different. Whatever it is we are all 'going through' or have been through is as valid and as real as anyone else. What unites us here is not our differences but our similarities! We all struggle with our MH in some capacity, we are all searching for respite from our 'lives', we all understand that MH is an area that is difficult to talk about with people that do not understand or have not lived it, and we all take solace from knowing that we are not alone in our struggles. That aside - we can also feel like none of that is enough as our own pain often becomes too great and we want it to end by 'whatever means necessary'. 

I also know that what I have endured over so many years and in very different ways has shaped who I am as a person - the good and the bad. Who would I be without these 'experiences'? Would I be someone completely different - I dont know. I know that I wish everything that has happened to me had not and it still may come to past that all the pain, the betrayal, the hurt will finally 'take me' but I don't know - I just don't know! The scariest thing about 'not knowing' is that I am stuck in this constant living nightmare, not seeing much hope that it will ever change but continuing to exist each day nevertheless. I do not know how I get through some days, and I definitely do not know how I get through the nights! I do feel I am living on borrowed time but maybe, just maybe, I can own that time again one day and begin to move forward - I don't know!

[Sans911]

@Zoe7 you have an amazing way with words. Thanks so much. I can find nothing to add.

[Zoe7]

So I've been told @Sans911 lol

I hope I have helped a little - to at least let you know that what you are feeling you are not alone in 

...and you are never alone as long as I am around sweetheart 

[Zoe7]

@Sans911 The journey of a thousand miles does not begin with one step but with those you choose to take that step with 

[Sans911]

@Zoe7 I really like that saying. Because taking those first steps right now seems fraught with uncertainty & poor clarity. But if someone takes them with me, I know that I have someone to lean on when I fall back or loose my way.

[Zoe7]

very well said @Sans911 - you have it spot on 

[CheerBear]

Hi @Sans911. I'm so glad that you reached out last night and you had the support you had. I can understand how tricky it can be to feel alone but afraid of asking for support in case you trigger others. When I've been in that sort of position here before, it has felt like holding everything in until I can't anymore, then taking a big breath and posting, and then holding my breath hoping it hasn't upset anyone. I almost always feel better once I can see the people here I do, sitting with me. It feels like a breath for me. I haven't met a more understanding, caring and supportive group of people before and, like lots of others here, the forum has been a big part of how and why I have been able to keep on keeping on. It's ok to ask for that for yourself too.

I am sorry to hear that things are as hard for you as they are right now. It's a really painful place to be. Suicide has lived alongside me as an option for a while too, and sometimes it's been really, really hard not to go there. (Painfully, overwhelmingly, clinging on to a blanket to stop wandering hands, kind of hard.)

Like you, I come from the other side in a way, which can make it incredibly difficult to find support helpful sometimes. I have found that out there, there really is amazing professional support. Most of the time it's come from those who have spent time on both sides too, or someone who is truly willing to stop and sit next to me on this side to try and feel what it feels like for a while too. You know as well as anyone how stretched people within the system are and how hard it can be to be in it, from both sides. Like you, I withdraw and isolate when I'm faced with unhelpful helping people, and it's during this time I have had to dig deep and trust that I've made it this far so I can make it a little further. I lean on what is helpful (like the forum) as well as the hope that helpful helping people really are out there.

You asked 'how do you continue to live' and 'what gives you the will and desire to continue living'. My answer to that can differ each day/moment/time. My kids. I don't really like to talk too much about my kids in the context of my SI because even they haven't felt enough before (which that guilt and pain is incredible) but I can't answer this question without mentioning them though, and I want to be as honest as I can. Another thing is what you touched on about bunkering down and letting things pass. The knowledge that everything is always changing, every single moment of every single day inside and outside - that thought gives me comfort. It feels like a tiny teeny glimmer of hope when I'm feeling totally hopeless. I hear a lot (and have said and felt before) "nothing ever changes", and I know how seriously real and seriously hard that feels, but it just isn't true because it is impossible for anything to ever really stay exactly the same. While I am alive, there is hope that things can change for the good too. The other thing that really helps me is that nearly every day I find a moment of 'good'. It can be a big moment, or a tiny fleeting hot cup of tea moment, but I make a point of hunting for it if I have to. Sometimes my moment of good is simply that I have tried to find a moment of good.

I wish there was something that could 'fix' things like this for all of us. I wish I could wave a wand and make things better for everyone. We all know we can't do that though. I'm posting this (now epic novel post - sorry!), because feeling alone on top of feeling so miserable, just sucks. It's helped me to know I'm not totally alone, and I hope it helps you too.

I hope you can continue to bunker down safely until it passes and that you know there are people alongside you (even if you can't see them) who will be here for you even when it's hard to ask for them (us) to be. Sending you my biggest love and hugs 💗

[utopia]

Thinking of you @Sans911 & sending hugs. ♥♥♥

[Sans911]

@CheerBear Thank you so, so much for your epic, honest & beautiful answer. I knew I chose the right people to tag, but yes, I did hold my breath after for a while wondering if I'd done the right thing. Suicide is such a delicate subject, for those that feel it's suffocating forces & for those who have to endure the agony of those going through it.

I have been fortunate enough at times too to have good professional support. My mh case worker is a case in point. She, and the other case worker that support me regularly right now, get me. They validate my feelings, and allow me to be honest and open without judgement or reservations. And some other health professionals have also been kind & gentle, not probing to deep to prise open completely that Pandora's box, but treating me as a person first & displaying empathy & kindness. But I'm so dissapointed at others who lack these skills, and often because of who I am, and due to having a mental illness, treat me as less than and judge and blame me for my lack of insight and ability to 'fix' my own problems.

I didn't realise that you had children, but I like to think you would be a warm & loving parent; you always have displayed such beautiful human characteristics. And yes, it must be incredibly difficult to have these feelings knowing that you are contemplating leaving behind such precious beings you've brought into this world.

And yes, I realise from moment to moment nothing is the same in a micro scheme, however, my life seems to continue career of course, and threatens to derail completely. Then sometimes at the last second I find a reason to carry on, but more often than not of late, there are few and far reasons. I still seek moments of good in each day, and they are there, but they are so fleeting, and pass through my hands like sand. And I too wish there a was a majic fix, for myself and so many others here on this forum and in the world. What others have to endure at times both shocks me, and yet makes me feel easier if I can help them and myself know that we are here together, travelling in this journey side by side, less alone with our fears and vulnerabilities. I feel so helpless at times, for others & myself, yet I know too, that like myself, sometimes all we need is not to be told how to fix things, yet simply to know we are heard and we are valued.

Thsnks again @CheerBear. You've said many, many things that I've been unable to say. You've understood what it's like to stand at the edge if life, and feel it's force pulling you under. And knowing you and others are around that I can turn to helps, although it's still extremely difficult to express my feelings and share my experiences for all those fears we have described. Take care of yourself, I reckon a real hug from you would be awesome ❤️💙💚💛💜

[CheerBear]

Thank you @Sans911 and ditto re the hug from you 💓💛 💗 Take care and let us know how you're getting on if you feel like it.