Trauma from the past

[PizzaMondo]

Hi @MDT 🙂

How are you going today?

I'd be curious to hear from you when you have read the book and to learn about what stood out for you 🙂

I feel like a lot of people can relate to not fitting in within the capacities of our society, and that's why I think books such as these, and writings by authors such as Dostoevsky, even Albert Camus (a fave of mine) speak to us. That is cool that you were able to have a chat with the owners son, I can imagine it would have felt.. comforting, perhaps, to learn of someone else who navigates their world similarly?

How are your other books going? I've wanted to check out the art of happiness, as well as Herman Hesse's 'Siddhartha' sitting on my bedside 😛

I'm reading a few books currently, some are:

- The Myth of Sisyphus and Other Essays by Albert Camus
- Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel
- Hallucinations by Oliver Sacks
- It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People by Ramani Durvasula

This morning we've been talking about getting a book thread started, so when you're ready for some reviewing, check out these threads!

https://saneforums.org/t5/Social-Spaces/Books-that-changed-or-helped-us/td-p/1208808

https://saneforums.org/t5/Social-Spaces/3-Books-that-have-made-an-impact/m-p/1501918#M380044

Also, just read a quick synopsis of the book by Lermatov you mentioned - I didn't know he was an inspiration to the great Dostoevsky, interesting! Might have to add it to my list too 😛

[MDT]

Yeah its starting very vividly

It's basically about an aristocrat who is a cynic

Causes havoc apparently

Shouod be a good read

@PizzaMondo

Hoping tomorrow I can do some art

[MDT]

feels like I have Suppressed A LOT of creativity. I mean a lot. I've just completed the tasks for the day, except for uni which is in about 30mins.
I am overwhelmed. I can't exactly articulate what it is that is overwhelming me. I FEEL most of it is coming from work. But then a lot of it is coming from my own traumas, failures, experiences of the past. Both mixed together make a deadly combination.
it strikes me that at my very core is a sense of injustice. that there has somehow been a great injustice committed against me. I can't articulate it. it's like a sixth sense. it rears its head when I find it hard at work, when I'm doubting myself as a partner even. usually those 2

How is this tied to creativity? Because I think being surrounded by so many different forces, by which I mean "vibes or enegry". Bad work energy manifests itself on my personal life and I don't like this. I'm glad I'm conscious of it. it's lodged in the unconscious. As a result it rears it head.

I am not addressing the obvious problem of my life - work. what do I mean by thus? this is to say that work has become boring, tiresome and tedious, long, dull and stressful.

so?

it'll take time. but I just gotta be smart, which I am of course. very intelligent. but I'm only human as well. there is a lot of reconciling I need to do. I have reconciled much of myself. a great deal in fact. it took time and effort. I think it still is

here's a list of things I've done:
- I have booked a new psychologist to help with me trauma. if he doesn't then I move to another. simple. I've enacted this before. I'll do it again. I'm glad I moved from my old one, but the one I have now isn't cutting the mustard.
- I've applied for jobs.have one next week on 23rd. fingers crossed I perform the eay I want, I answer the questions, I figure it out. I've got the question in advance. I can do plenty of research for it in the lead up. including tomorrow. I don't wanna make success synonymous with getting the job I wanna make success synonymous with going well in the interview. that's what i aim for.
- tonight I'll celebrate 22 months with my partner. last night we said we'd been through a lot. including negative and positive. welcome to reality hey? I like that. it's important. we've grown together and we still are. our trip away was central to that ofc. roast chicken, rice, hummus, wine and a film after. sounds good hey?
- part of reconciling myself is to reconcile the demons with my reason and my drive. this means I can't pressure myself. that's a challenge. I'm figuring it out

that's all for now

[MDT]

Realised today that I've basically got my head screwed on properly


Thank god for that


Whatver comes my way in life.....

[MDT]

 

[tyme]

Hey @MDT ,

I'm confused about the pic. Care to share a bit more? Is it a high-rise?

btw, glad your head's screw on properly 🙂

[PizzaMondo]

Hey @MDT 🙂
Any havoc-happenings so far in your book?
Hope you're enjoying the read so far!

Did you get around to making some art recently? What's your chosen medium?

I've got a self-portrait I began last year on my birthday (using Posca acrylic markers on canvas) that sits unfinished in my room, I hope to complete that this year for my birthday - that's my project for May!

[MDT]

@tyme
Yeah its actually out the window of one of the meeting rooms at my work.
Was there during my break time.
Was reflecting on a lot

[MDT]

I've actually decided to go back and start it again. Had a disjointed start to it and decided to d'art it again and sit down with it. Not focused on it. Lots on my mind.

I saw the new psychologist yesterday. Was only introductory but I'm hopefuly for where it'll go from here. Was a bit overwhelmed by it. But it was a good thing. Will look into things that trigger trauma from the past as we go forward in therapy.

Yeah pencil is the chosen medium for my art. Finding it hard to do. Did a bit last night which was good.

Sometimes I think having this much self awareness is a curse. If I had more self awareness I'd be smart and know what to do and if I had less self awareness then I wouldn't feel so bad haha.

But hey - maybe being caught in this proverbial limbo is the best thing? Because you're well aware of what the problem is and you've been given enough mental wherewithal to figure it out. The struggle is the point in other words and without it you'd be stuck.

Work is actually hard. It feels somewhat toxic. Feels like I'm targetted out for some reason. I'm hyper self conscious. Reminds me of when I worked in the court's. Seems like I've come unstuck. I came home on Friday because I was constantly distracted by feelings of trauma and why why why this happened to me. I raised it. Went home. They thanked me. But I don't see much from it.
I feel it may be a dark time ahead. But as long as I remember that my light is made brighter by darkness that surrounds me then I think that's all that matters.

So many ghosts and ghouls lie around corners for me. I told the psych that I struggle because I remember things coming up from years ago and there's no reason for it. I guess by placing thse things in the forefront of my mind in a therapeutic context will help me.

In the words of Coldplay- nobody said it was easy, but no one ever said it wouod be this hard..... I'm going back to the start....

I had a horrible dream the other night about someone taking their own life. In the dream someone witnessed it and they were distraught.
I woke from that and had to calm myself down.
I remembered that I had defied that. I beat suicide. I found meaning. I found purpose.

As sharp as the cold crisp air hitting my face now as I type this outside, the meaning and reason for my life becomes clear - the reason for my life is whatever I make it to be. It's not something that will be given to me, but it is something that only I can find. And that is why I stuck around because Mt story continues. Ultimately those times I went to hospital were cries for help. And there's no shame in that.

There is only shame if am dishonest and not authentic.

So, in regards to work and the weird vibe? Embrace it. I'm so far past caring that it's not even concerning for me. I'll keep flying.


As neitzche said:
"Those who danced were thought crazy by those who couldn't hear the music"

Can youbhear the music?

[lavenderhaze]

Hi @MDT 

It sounds like you've been through a lot, and I really admire your strength and insight. It's great that you're starting with a new psychologist and taking steps to deal with past trauma. It’s totally normal to feel overwhelmed by it all—just remember to be patient and gentle with yourself.

Your thoughts on the struggle being part of the journey really resonate. It's a tough process, but it's where growth happens. As for work, I am sorry it's been that way, it must be difficult.

I'm glad to hear you're sticking with your art, even if it's challenging. Art can be a powerful way to express and process what you're going through. You're absolutely right—meaning in life is something we create, and your story is still unfolding.

Keep dancing to your own music, no matter how others might see it. Your resilience and honesty are truly inspiring. If you ever need to talk or just want some support, I'm here for you.