TW: it feels like I'm drowning

[creative_writer]

@hanami just have to try to get through it in the meanwhile. Things are so hectic right now. I got triggered the other day, things went downhill from there. Uni pressures are there too, already got the maximum amount of extensions.

[creative_writer]

Feeling like damaged goods, feeling dirty and disgusted with myself. Maybe I do deserve SH. I don’t think I can stop now that I’ve started doing it again often since last week.

[Former-Member]

Morning @creative_writer,

It sounds like you're having a rough time with those SH thoughts 💙

I'm just checking in that you're in touch with your professional supports at the moment, i.e. a GP or therapist? As you've so perfectly described here, these kinds thoughts when they settle in can be pretty challenging to sit with, so I want to make sure that you're safe today. I'm going to send you an email now to check-in, but in the meantime I hope you're able to pull out your coping skills toolbox and practice some grounding techniques or anything that has worked for you in the past, just to get you through this morning at least.

Be in touch soon,
Rhye

[creative_writer]

@Former-Member I’m still seeing my psych, I had an appointment on Wednesday and I am scheduled to see her in a few weeks. But she has told me to reach out if suicidal thoughts become too much. I am safe right now, it’s just SH. She’s the only professional I really talk to about this stuff.

[Former-Member]

Hi @creative_writer,

Thank you for checking back in. I'm really glad to hear that you have a therapist that you can trust and who is supporting you through this.

Do you have anything planned today that's nice for yourself? I don't know whether you have one or if you're a fan of them, but baths are my go-to for a healthy escape. Getting out for a walk helps to break things up too, and there is nothing more comforting than snuggling with my dog. I hope you have a list of things you can use to help feel a little more grounded today.

[creative_writer]

@Former-Member I have an assignment to submit today. It’s pretty much done anyways. I just feel like a shitty person. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough. Maybe I’m too difficult to help. What’s the point, creative_writer has lost her mind.

I’m sorry. I just got triggered into thinking about a psychiatrist I once saw. I was too worthless to be given full attention, her phone was very important to her. She said it was like I copied my symptoms from a textbook. That I wasn’t trying hard enough. That I was purposefully keeping information and smiling about it (like I enjoyed it). Even if I put a complaint in, nobody would believe me, because I’m mad.

I’m sorry. My brain is full of memories of SA and memories of how old therapist treated me, like a pathology not a human being.

[hanami]

Hey there @creative_writer 

I'm so sorry you're still having a rough time. Those thoughts about your old psychiatrist won't be helping at all. What an awful experience for you. I am thinking most people would have felt the same if their psychiatrist was too busy looking at their phone rather than paying attention to the person seeking help. You are most definitely worthy of help and didn't deserve what they did to you. It's hard when we get stuck in thoughts about experiences from the past. 

It's great your assignment is almost done. That's an achievement in itself. 

Hugs to you and keep reaching out,

hanami 💮

[creative_writer]

@hanami had a shower and my cousin texted me to check up on me. Feeling a bit better. I think I was just annoyed because another psychiatrist at the same clinic rejected me at a new client, I was afraid she had read the notes of that psychiatrist. Im still on the search for a new psychiatrist, since sadly my last one (who was really amazing) has retired. At least I have a psychologist. I just hope I can find someone who will be patient, and willing to help. It’s hard for me to trust people because of my trauma history. I don’t keep things from people for malicious reasons, but because trust issues (that psychiatrist had completely misinterpreted me) .

[creative_writer]

A 19 year old girl lives somewhere inside creative_writer’s. She wants to be acknowledged for the pain she went through, but feels like it wasn’t valid enough. She didn’t have a safe space to talk about her feelings around what was going on in her life. She is constantly fighting with the present creative_writer, trying to invalidate the present day creative_writer’s feelings. This 19 year old felt invalidated, confused and lost. This 19 year old used disassociation to cope, because she didn’t know what else to do, because it meant she didn’t need to accept or process what was going on in her life.

[Eve7]

Hello @creative_writer @hanami @Former-Member @TideisTurning  and anyone else passing by. I hope your day has treated you well.

Much love

💙❤️💙❤️💙