@Former-Member, I was looking around to see which moderator was on this morning , and here you are
Thank you for at least being here with me in the virtual world @Former-Member @Shaz51 @Zoe7 @Faith-and-Hope. I keep getting giant waves of panic about how alone I am in the real world. I feel so confused and so scared. (A) went on and on, on Monday about how much she CAN'T be there for me. I am so confused. Every friend I've ever had (and who consequently went away) told me at one point or another that what I was looking for/needing wasn't friend stuff and that I needed professional help. But then all the professionals (including A) seem to shame and criticise me for trying to get friend stuff from them. So...friends say I need professional help and professionals say I need friend help...and consequently I am utterly alone. I am so glad you are there. I am particularly glad that @Former-Member has made it onto my safe touching list. I will try and snuggle into your hug and try to feel safe @Former-Member. 
Hey @CherryBomb,
You'll watch over the ocean while I fall asleep won't you? I was going to write out all my feelings but I got sidetracked on other threads and now I'm sleepy. It feels like I'm never going to come out of the ocean ever again. I know the big feelings have passed a bazillion times before, but this really seems different now. I don't know how to ever find any hope again. It's ok isn't it. I can just keep bobbing around in the ocean can't I. Ok, well I will snuggle in my shell knowing that you are right there. Night.
You're watching over the ocean tonight aren't you @NikNik? It's so dark now. I haven't been in this big a muddle since the muddle started twenty years ago. I don't know how to keep going now. I am in such crisis and the only support I have here in the real world is my GP. I saw her today and we talked about how my psychologist (A) is doing harm. We talked a bit about my GP starting the search for someone else. If I start over with someone else, that will be the ELEVENTH therapist that I have seen since January last year. I can't do this @NikNik. I don't know how to start over. Part of the problem is that I super like (A) and I have formed some sort of attachment to her. But she is doing harm. She keeps on triggering me in sessions and now I am at the point where over the past few days I just keep dropping to the floor and screaming. I'm SHing, I can't think straight, I am crying constantly, I'm not eating or sleeping, I keep breaking out in a sweat. I'm getting this huge flood of trauma reactions...and it's all because she keeps triggering me, over and over and over again. She seems to be totally oblivious to my whole history. It's like she knows it intellectually, but somehow she doesn't REALLY get it. I have a feeling that empathy isn't one of her strengths.
The plan my GP and I came up with is that I will take a medication which is highly addictive and shouldn't be taken too much, every night for a week. She assures me that this is safe. I've never taken so much of this drug in my life. Even when I'm super struggling, I limit it to twice a week. However, she says it will be fine for a week. The aim is to "re-set" my system so that I'm at least sleeping.
How can this be @NikNik? How can I be in such total chaos because of my damn psychologist? I feel so very very VERY scared. I super wish someone invisible could sit in on the sessions to see what is going on. I don't know how to trust myself. My inside tells me that what is happening isn't right...but (A) goes on that therapy is supposed to be difficult sometimes. Er...yeah...difficult...not traumatizing to the point where the client can't function! My inside says it isn't ok...but I don't know how to trust my inside anymore. Can I REALLY have had eleven worse-than-useless therapists in twelve months? How can I know it isn't me? But then...I know how super well I worked with the uni counsellor, and I know how well I connect with my GP.
I'm frightened @NikNik and so very very VERY confused. I was so much safer when I was with my abusive therapist. Yes, he was verbally abusive and occassionally physically violent, but he was THERE. I could count on him to be there. I should have just stayed with him. Getting away from him was supposed to herald a new chapter in my life, where I thought I could truly move beyond my muddle. But it has now been two years since the final major incident that led to us parting ways, and I am in a bigger mess now than I ever was when I was with him.
I don't know how to keep going @NikNik. I simply don't know how. I am so very very VERY grateful that the forums are here. I am so very very grateful that I can know you and others will hear me. I feel so utterly alone and so utterly afraid.
I so badly wish someone was here in the flesh. I so badly wish I had a safe person to curl up beside and feel safe with.
Ok, well I will snuggle deep inside my shell and just be still. This is the biggest longest storm ever. My brain is so fried and I am so afraid. You'll watch over the ocean? Even if I am so far adrift, I can't see the lighthouse or Forum Land or anything. I can still just snuggle in my shell and know that you are "there" can't I. I can know that even though you are just words on my computer screen, there's a real live person behind the words, who cares. I so badly BADLY wish I had someone here in the real world right now. I don't even want to talk to anyone, I just want to curl up beside them and feel safe. The thing I want most in the whole wide world is to simply feel safe.
Super big thank you for listening @NikNik and anyone else who happens to be passing this way.
Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.
SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.
SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.
Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.
SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.
SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.