Paranoid partner

[Ahsirt]

Hi I have been with my partner for 12 years. Looking back I think he has had problems the whole time but now they are getting worse. He used to blame everyone for setting out to grt him and now he is blaming me. Examples include arranging for gay couples to sit next to us at restaurants, organising who sits next to jim on planes so that they annoy and stress him out, organising the shop he bought a tv from so that the indtalling technician could monitor what he is watching. He is getting worse. He had booked in to see a GP to talk about how stressed he gets when these issues arise but has now pushed appointment out for another 3 weeks. Tonight he has made more accusations saying i am deliberately causing him stress by lying. I am actually scared of him now. We have been in separate rooms for about 2 months now. I really care and worry about him but am unsure how much more I can take. I think I need to leave. Is this a bad thing to do?

[NatalieS]

Hello @Ahsirt

Only you can decide whether to leave your partner or not.

Please keep yourself safe.  You are your first priority in this relationship. Your own physical, mental and emotional health comes first.  If it means you leave your partner, so be it.  You are not responsible for what is happening in your partner's life.  You are not responsible for his declining mental health. Please try not to feel guilty about leaving this relationship if that is what you decide.  From what you've written about your experiences these past 12 years, you've coped, and are continuing to try to cope, within a realtionship with someone whose mental health issues are escalating, which is no one's fault.  No one asks to have any form of mental illness.  Mental illness just is, and affects all kinds of people, and we can't change that.  What you've done and continue to do is amazing.   But first and foremost, you need to look after yourself. I only wish the best for you.

Please continue to post as there are so many supportive people on the forums.

Hugs, if you need or want them.

[Ahsirt]

Thanks Natalie just reading your reply makes me cry. He is still so angry and he fully believes that i have been destroying his life all along. After reading your post i believe i will have to go as it is just getting worse. I will miss him dearly and I really hope he gets better one day. Now we will need to discuss selling the house. I am scared for him also as he has no friends and no family here. I am not sure what he will do. Thanks for the hugs. I wish I could hug him 😢

[Former-Member]

Hi @Ahsirt - a warm welcome to our forums. I've just moved the thread over to a different area, and perhaps some new people might see and pop in to say hi. If you feel able to, introduce yourself in the social threads too, here you can write three random things about yourself and what brings you to the forums…..

It sounds like it's a tough week, and with Valentine's Day just passed I'm sure it was really hard. I hope you're travelling ok right now.

It can be difficult to support someone who might be going through mental health crisis, but it's important we are safe too. Let us know how you are going....

[NatalieS]

@Ahsirt

Here's a big hug for you.

We can't help who we love.  You sound very caring.  Your situation sounds similar to mine, however for various reasons I choose to stay in the relationship.  In a nutshell, my husband has had numerous health issues for many years, and has been diagnosed with two illnesses that there is no treatment for. I work full-time and care for my husband.  We have been together 30 years. We have had issues the past year and I know that he almost hates me but I constantly tell him that I will not leave him.  I will look after him.  He is so angry and is forever bringing up issues from the past, and is constantly criticising me.  It's a difficult time but it is difficult for both of us.  He is a human being.

Take care.  

[Ahsirt]

But how do you cope with the accusations and anger. I am going through the anger stage atm. He has asked me to go to a real estate with him to talk about selling but I have told him that I can't as he will just assume that I am colluding with them to get at him. I had to tlak to my boss and told him I will move back to Brissie. He has offered for me l to work remotely. I am lucky so lucky in that regard. I am struggling

[NatalieS]

@Ahsirt, I haven't been on the forums for a while so missed your post.  The accusations and anger wear me down as it's difficult to even want to care for someone who treats me like c......p.  Last Monday hubby and I had a visit from a palliative care doctor and nurse.  They wanted to see and chat with hubby.  The Friday before, I'd had a 30 minute phone conversation with the nurse, telling her how things were and how they had been living with hubby over the years.  She had decided to call me, having spoken to hubby who could charm the birds from the trees but living with him has been h...ll on earth, so of course he is totally charming when others visit. When the doctor asked to check the medication list, I took her aside to tell her confidentially about our life together.  I told her I would never leave my job to care full-time for him-its not just the physical aspects, I just don't want to look after him any more.  If he needs to go into care, that's what will happen.  Fifteen years is a long time to have been doing this gig.  The past few years have been h..ll for me as I've struggled with mental health issues, and there were times I was so low because of trauma issues that I often considered hurting myself. The doctor encouraged me to stick to my beliefs as I said I was in a much better place psychologically

[NatalieS]

....and now hubby believes I'm having an affair with my friend Andrew, who I catch up with a couple of times a week.  He is 20 years younger than I am but we talk about stuff that I'd completely forgotten about and used to enjoy : books, poetry, music, art, drawing...and he has a very high IQ and takes the time to explain words and ideologies if I don't understand. He is kind and thoughtful and I call him my brother...I miss him if I don't text or talk to him a couple of times a week.  Like having an affair of the minds.  I care for him alot.  And I feel calm and safe with him.  But he actually cares about me and listens to me.

Anyway, back to the doctor visit, she said not to feel guilty about admitting about what I'm not prepared to do.  My health is the most important thing to me, especially my mental health.  There is no way I'm letting anything come in the way of feeling better, or continuing to improve, because the journey is not over yet.

I wish you all the best.  None of this stuff is easy.  Sometimes we over analyse things or make excuses for staying. And sometimes thinking about leaving is super scary. But often staying with a paranoid partner makes me wonder about my own sanity and starts me second-guessing my own beliefs.  All the best.  

[Appleblossom]

I lived with a very paranoid partner for 16 years. For the first few years it was me helping him against the world, but then he turned his paranoiac focus onto me.  It was hell and I nearly did not survive the experience. Now separated for 16 years. I have worked very hard to regain some health back. My heart goes out to you both.  Honestly, I did love him, did my best every which way, and cannot regret the marriage and children, but when paranoia crosses a LINE in intimate relationships ... distancing is necessary in order to gain any balanced perspective on life. SOMETIMES THAT MEANS SEPARATION.

Today we sat on the grass with our son. It was peaceful and calm for a brief period for my son, but paranoia is very destructive.

Take Care Both of you @Ahsirt @NatalieS

APPLE

[NatalieS]

thanks @Appleblossom