SANE Forums

[Li00]

Hi Everyone. 

My Husband and I are struggling to know where to turn. 

In Jan this year his mother passed. Unexpected but not if you understand, she was not very healthy and many issues. But anyway...my husband is the second oldest child. We have know for a long time that his brothers would " disappear" and not give two hoots about their younger sister. 

She was diagnosed as a child with adhd, a few years later BPD.

We knew she would take mums passing hard, she dealt very well emotionally but not so much physically. 

We live about an hours drive away and can't constantly be on the phone to talk her down, we work and have our own child to look after too. 

Now our biggest problems are, she isn't looking after her health, weight has gone up a lot. She isn't washing regularly, cleaning or cooking. She does get meals on wheels but doesn't use them, leaves it on a bench to go yuck. Constantly calls us for money, lies about what it's for, we know she buys uber a bunch. Doesn't like to leave the house, doesn't attend appointments. Doesn't answer telephone appointment. Takes herself to hospital because she is feeling awful. Mostly I because she doesn't look after herself well. 

This is affecting my relationship with my husband, he is constantly worried about her. We don't want to upset her as we know it can cause a breakdown with self harm threats.

What do we do?? 

Sorry for the novel. It feels better just getting it out but would appreciate any advice. 

[Ru-bee]

Hi @Li00 and welcome to the forums

I'm glad that you've been able to find this space and have found some relief in simply being able to share your story here.

It is so challenging trying to care for a loved one who struggles to care for themselves. Ultimately you can't make an adult do things they don't want to do, like going to appointments, which I know can be extremely frustrating. 

I know you live an hour away, but I wonder if perhaps it would be possible for you or your husband to offer to attend some appointments with her?

It does sound as though discussing some boundaries could also be helpful regarding the support you're providing. Such as letting her know that while you can provide some financial support, it comes with the proviso that you need to know what it is for, and she needs to attend her appointments. 

As it does sound as though she needs help in looking after herself and her home, I wonder if your sister-in-law would qualify for NDIS support due to psycho-social disability?

Lastly, do you and your husband have supports, and ways to manage the worry and stress of taking on this caring role? It's not an easy thing to do by any means and it's important to ensure you're looking after your own wellbeing first. You can't pour from an empty cup, as they say.