My Mosaic

[Bow]

Hi @Snowie 

been a really rough day here unfortunately 

hope your day is ok

[Snowie]

Sorry support button not working @Bow 

Not great here

We can sit together

Am here if you need to talk/unload/sit

[Bow]

Facebook unfortunately reminded me of our spontaneous trip interstate that my D and I took 9yrs ago. My D was 1. We had been married 2 yrs. We went interstate cause I needed to get away from him. An escape I guess. I’d just found out who I really married.

I thought I had married a good Christian man. A leader in his church. He was very highly regarded. We were now leaders in our church.

But I now had no idea of who I married. He lived a secret life. A disgusting vulgar existence. I knew he had a porn addiction, but he told me before we were even engaged that he had dealt with it and was nothing to worry about. He shared this with me straight after I had told him about my trauma history- was like he needed to compare something. Should have noticed that then. Should have been a red flag. 

I felt physically sick uncovering everything I did that night on his computer. His small business that was taking in thousands that I had no idea about. His porn addiction that he had apparently dealt with? His homosexuals meet ups. At. Our. Home. Hundreds of emails using such disgusting vulgar language, terms that I’ve never heard of before, language that made it very clear that he had been doing this for a long time.  Photos he had sent. I was repulsed. Who was this person?

I didn’t feel safe anymore. I didn’t feel safe with this person. And I didn’t feel safe knowing he had let randoms into our home.

And that’s where my mental health started to spiral. I reached out for a psychologist to start processing all that that stuff but it was too late. My eating disorder was too far gone. And now look where I am. Everything is a total mess.

[Jynx]

@Bow hey hun. Sounds like you have been emotionally side-swiped by the social media memories - that is such a mood. Like, you didn't need this right now hey. 

How are you feeling? Did it help to get a few thoughts off your chest? I know that it's a hugely painful part of your past, carrying a lot of hurt and betrayal. I want you to know that we see you, we hear how heavy it all is, and we're here for you 💜

Would some pics of my kitties in their new sweaters be good, or you not in the headspace for it right now? (so valid) 

[Bow]

It’s been a huge friggin slap up the side of the head @Jynx  like it’s often not far from my thoughts which is utterly stupid. I should just forgive and forget eh. His a monster though. And I know I should blame others for where I am at. That’s something I gotta work through and take complete responsibility for. But if he didn’t do the things he did I would not be where I am now. 

did I tell you…. A couple of days after I found out all this stuff, I went to see a couple from church. My pastors and best friends and second family, they were away and this couple is who they suggested I talk to. I just needed to talk. Anyways, a couple of days after I find out what he was doing, who he was, like not even everything had come out yet, this couple told me I needed…. NEEDED to forgive him. I went along with their little prayer but there was absolutely no truth in it for me. And I put a wall up between me and them ever since. Like I knew that at some point I would need to forgive, it was the Christian thing… the right thing…. To do. I think what they said and did had an impact on me moving away from the church sadly. 

feeling a huge heaviness tonight Jynx. A sadness. You know it leads to thinking about all that crap that has happened since. I’m a total shell of the person I use to be. I’m so broken. No one wants to know me. I’m alone. And my life absolutely sucks. It has lead me to doubt myself so much. I thought I was marrying an amazing man. An amazing man of god. I was so very wrong. I was so stupid to think I had found someone amazing. So very stupid. Stupid little girl. So much regret. Tsk tsk

id be up for some little pics of course 

[Jynx]

@Bow I don't think forgiveness can be forced, so I do understand how that would potentially have felt like pressure - to just suddenly be okay with it or something. For me, forgiveness takes time to reach; first I have to sit with and let myself feel my grief. I have been betrayed before too, and whilst in that very early stage, the rage I felt was astounding. To have forgiveness suggested to me in that moment would have been horrifying, so I can understand why it impacted you so deeply. 

Also in my experience, forgiveness is something we arrive at when we're ready. I'm sorry that happened to you. 

I'm hearing how hard on yourself you're being for what happened back then - and I'm worried about how intensely you're thinking over all of these thoughts and memories. I thought I'd encourage you to maybe take a little pause, maybe 30-60s of breathing, and just check in with yourself, see if you feel lighter after posting. 

Here they are, little cuties! 

She is so GRUMPY!"Why do you torment me so?"Such grandpa vibesTryna lick 😛

[Bow]

Sorry I won’t say anything else @Jynx  

They do look very grandma/grandpa in their new jumpers. 

[Jynx]

@Bow I just wanna let you know I didn't want you to stop talking about it hun, I wanted you to check in with yourself. I wanted you to figure out what YOU need in this moment - I was reflecting a little on past conversations we've had where we kept talking about heavy things and I didn't realise how upset you were getting until you were spiralling hard. Sometimes we need to vent, sometimes we need someone to stop us in our tracks when we are in that rumination space. We can only process so much at a time, and finding that balance can be tricky. 

I'm not physically with you, so I can't read any body signals - so my next best option is to ask you to check in with yourself, so that you can decide whether you want to keep talking about it or not. I know that having your agency threatened is really triggering for you, so I wanted to be clear that you still have choice as to whether you need to lighten your mental load, or move to a space where the focus is more on grounding and settling. 

[Snowie]

Afternoon @Bow 

Just coming past to see how you are going today

Leaving some 💗💗 for you

[Bow]

Just had a really heavy home visit with my SW. lots of talking. Hard stuff. I was already heaps exhausted. But even more now