My Mosaic

[Bow]

I just had some kitty snuggles @rav3n  Boq is my favorite, his the only boy. 

 I let them out around 7:30 and they went crazy last night. So expecting the same tonight. 

I told my psych last time that I was just keeping myself safe…. People don’t seem to understand that. Like if I’m way outside my window of tolerance is it wise to go to a place that’s gonna make it 10x worse. Some days it doesn’t matter what I do…. I can’t get myself back into a safer place in my window of tolerance. I just NEED to stay home. I need them to understand that. 

I’d really like to discuss with them calling my mum. Like I’m what situation is it appropriate. If you can’t get hold of me for one day is not sufficient concerned to call my mum. 

I often struggle with words @rav3n  like verbally saying things. I just can’t find the words, or struggle to get them out. I often prefer to write stuff down.  And it works well with some of my supports…. But my psych and CM is against. Which sometimes turns me off them, off therapy. There are some parts of what I have experienced that I simply can not say. It’s too hard. I’ve tried. And if they aren’t going to let me write stuff down in a way that is going to be helpful and allow me to somehow process stuff and work with them…. Then why? Why bother? If I’m not comfortable in being able to share my story and my truths in a way that is safe for me then how can I work through it??

I’m watching some tv at the moment on the couch. Gonna go back to my room once this show is over. Survivor starts tonight which I am excited about. And I let the kitty’s out to play. 
My SW will no doubt call tomorrow morning. I have a day at home tomorrow maybe she will have time for a home visit. So much dread though 

[rav3n]

STOPP BOQ IS SO ADORABLE @Bow omg looks so much bigger than the last pic i saw, i forget how fast they grow!!

i'm so sorry that your psych and CM don't seem to understand. it's so great that you've figured out your window of tolerance and you know what works for you. it really does suck that they don't get it yet, and i can imagine that talking about it out loud is quite nerve-wrecking. hmm i don't see why they wouldn't let you communicate through writing if it helps you? i would think that writing would help you feel more comfy, and that over time you'd eventually feel a lil more comfy transitioning to verbal convos around those topics? gosh it really sucks to not even get the most out of that support. is your SW okay with you writing?

ooo hope you enjoy the survivor episode!! does it run every weekday or is it a once a week type of show? just realised i've never watched a full episode of survivor... all i know is ppl get eliminated and they're in the jungle!? what's it actually about?
fingers crossed SW can visit your home tomorrow, i reckon chatting with her would be a good step to calming some of that fear around seeing your CM and psych. also really proud of you for working on staying safe, i know it's not easy at all and i can really see your efforts 💜

[Bow]

got stuck couldn’t get out of it was scary and needed it to stop sorry

really don’t know why they don’t allow me to write stuff down @rav3n the coupleof times that I have taken stuff in for them to read they have been really hesitant and really really pushed for me to read it that it made me feel so unsafe and I don’t know ashamed. I also wrote something really significant down and took to a pdoc appointment knowing that I needed my pdoc, CM and SW to know something. My pdoc was really rude and really pushed for me to read it, here I was with tears streaming down my face really not coping with the situation at all. My SE stepped in and took the paper and read it to everyone.  Now I no longer feel safe… or even allowed to write anything down. My CM says I am perfectly capable of verbalising stuff. 

my SW is perfectly happy with me writing stuff down. I can text her too. 

you know sometimes I only need to be able to write something down and share it… basically open up the topic and then I am ok to cautiously talk about it. This has often been the case with my support workers. I just need help to notify them of something and then we can talk. 

Survivor has been around for so long. They pretty much film all the series in Fiji now. They have tribes, challenges, immunity, rewards and then yea they vote people off. The Aus series started tonight and it’s brains vs brawn’s. The US version has had 47 seasons and I haven’t missed one of them! Aus one hasn’t had that many. 

[Jynx]

@Bow hey darlin! Just popping in, was reading your post and it occurred to me that maybe you're just like me - in that the written notes perform the function of broaching the topic, kinda? Like I sometimes get so anxious I physically cannot speak - unless someone else actually brings it up first, or asks me about it directly! Do you reckon that's it?

I'm wondering if you explained it a bit like that - that you probably can talk about it in the end, but it's opening up the topic that causes so much stress, so maybe they could let you give them paper with like, the topic or issue on it and then use that to start asking you stuff... do you think that would work? 

[Bow]

That is often exactly what it is like @Jynx 

I may be desperately needing to talk to someone about something. I may need them to ask me certain questions, like check in safety questions, but words will not come out of my mouth unless they say them first. 
I even made a set of particular cards for this very purpose. 

like why is that unacceptable????

A piece of paper with a few words on it could be a matter of me getting the right type of help or me walking out and going home and doing something permanent 

why???

[rav3n]

ugh that really sucks to hear @Bow being pressured and pushed to the point of tears just for choosing to express yourself in written form doesn't seem fair at all. i'm really glad your SW gets it and gives you the space to write things out. what you've mentioned about notifying them and then feeling a bit more open to chat about topics - sounds super reasonable to me. i wonder if your SW would be able to help advocate that to your CM and psych? really wish you didn't have to advocate for that but receiving support that makes you feel safe is definitely important.

woah 47 seasons! sounds like something you could use when someone says 'what's a cool fact about yourself?' 'oh yeah only just watched 47 seasons of survivor... and that's not even including the australian version' 

also incase i don't get a chance to chat more with you tonight, just wanna say - you're so right in looking after your safety and i'm really proud of you for prioritising that. i hope that chat with SW goes okay for you tomorrow. rest up and take care 💜

[Jynx]

@Bow maybe you could ask them for their reasoning/justification for forbidding you from handing over written stuff? Like really demand to know their logic, so that you can better advocate (with your SW's help!) for your needs. Like maybe even saying that sure, one day you'd like to work on not having to use written communication, but for right now it's not your priority and being able to communicate that you're unsafe is much more important.

I will be heading off soon so I'll say g'night!! But maybe catch ya tomorrow. Rest well hun 💜

[Bow]

When you wake with that overwhelming dread. When you want to be left alone. When you just want to shut the world out. But you also have that anticipation that your SW will call today and maybe just maybe you will answer her call and perhaps she will have time to come and do a home visit and you might just might feel like being a little bit vulnerable and talk some. But your SW is away. 
😩

[rav3n]

oh no, i'm so sorry to hear your SW was away!! @Bow i know that a part of you really wanted that chat with her, sucks about the timing. do you have any idea when she'll be available next? 

i recall that in the past when supports have cancelled, it was a bit overwhelming to process the sudden change and calm yourself down. i imagine you're feeling something similar now? just know that i'm here for you, you're not sitting alone. 

[Bow]

She ended up being away last Tuesday as well @rav3n  yeah it sucks when I had kinda prepared myself and psyched myself up and then for nothing. I don’t know if she’ll be back in tomorrow? Guess I just have to wait.

My whole day has been thrown out to be honest. Dropped daughter off at school and started doing the kittens… have to weigh them, give them their meds and then I was going to clean their playpen out. I then had my routine set to go about my day with a list of things I wanted to do. But my SIL and niece came over and they stayed for 2 hours! Would have been rude of me if I disappeared and did my own thing. So I just hung around. Secretly wishing and waiting for them to leave. That put everything I wanted to do, out. So I have been annoyed and irritated all day. Yes it was nice to see them, but yeah.