My Mosaic

[Jynx]

@Bow let me know if/what you score!

It almost sounds a bit like, 'oh hey mum's away, time to misbehave!' - like there's a lil teenager Bow taking over. So if it feels like an opportunity, perhaps it's about finding ways to make the 'opportunity' less appealing, or less opportune, I guess? Hmm not sure how... Just getting the gears turning haha

When do you see your psych next? How've things been going there?

[Bow]

I will indeed share what I score @Jynx 

yeah if looking at it that way, yeah it’s a chance to be naughty 🫣 do what I want. 

Last weeks appointment with my psych was particularly rough. My SW and old SW were there while I waited and talking away and I was really not in a state to comm. All got too much and I up and walked out just as my psych came out to get me. She followed me out and I eventually went in with her, but I don’t really remember much of what we talked about. Disappeared a lot. Last Thursday was the ann of when I lost it. 
she wants to do some trauma work. Exposure therapy/emdr. My flashbacks continue to greatly impact my days. Terrified of that. But something has to shift. But was thinking about it today…. Not an ideal time to start it with mum away I’m thinking? 

[Jynx]

@Bow hard to say tbh - I was chatting to my cousin recently about EMDR and they absolutely raved about how helpful it was. They said they'd come out of appts feeling really raw but waaaaay lighter. Actually inspired me to consider trying it for myself! 

Point being, there's probably never going to be a 'perfect' time to start. Not saying that you should just barrel ahead as though your mum's absence is not a factor, but more that I don't think it's an automatic 'Don't do it!'. Deffo worth chatting it through with psych to see what they reckon. 

Have you and your dietician worked out meal plans and stuff together? Maybe having that all set out prior could help you with sticking to a structure rather than just winging it, which might make it a little easier to keep yourself accountable. 

[Bow]

Yeah my psych said it’s really good @Jynx . They all had training in it last year. Think she was really trying to sell it. Was suppose to give me some info to read last week…. But last week was a disaster. I think from what she was saying there is a lot of processing outside of sessions yourself. Will definitely speak with her more about it Thursday. 

I have an appointment with my dietitian next Tuesday. Which is good timing being the beginning of mum being away. Mum being away will be something that we do talk about. 

im gonna head to bed I think. Feeling heaps tired. Thanks for your input tonight @Jynx  appreciate it as always. 💜

[Jynx]

@Bow you're so welcome hun, hope you have a restful slumber 💜

[Snowie]

Good morning @Bow 

Since it's Wednesday today, I think it's 'Art Club' day. Hopefully you are able to add to your already impressive art work.

Sending lots of 💕💕

[Bow]

Yeah @Snowie  i had art group. But it did not go well. 

I had an extremely bad night. Horrendous nightmare that woke me at 1am and I did not sleep again until 4. Then awake again at 6. 
I wasn’t going to go, but had to drop mum off somewhere so decided I’d pop in for a bit. Big mistake. SW called me when I didn’t show… couldn’t get out of the car. Panic attack. One particular person there has been really triggering and I seen that she was there. Was cranky with myself that I allow this person to affect me so much. SW came out and chatted with me for a bit and then walked with me inside. Really should have just went home. But I’m so bloody useless and pathetic. 
I sat, didn’t really know what to do. There was noise, people were talking. And then this person started talking stuff that she should have just shut up. I was so angry with her. It triggered me and things just got worse and worse. I ended up outside my SW and old SW came out when they realised I was missing. I was really not in a good place. What that person was talking about just pushed me over the edge. I was saying things that I will not repeat here don’t wanna get in trouble. But they were on the verge of calling an ambulance on me. I begged no. 
I have to attend my psych appointment tomorrow and answer calls from them. 

but why even bother. There’s no point no one can save me. I’m beyond any of that help. @Jynx ?

[Snowie]

Sounds like a really crappy day @Bow I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that, especially on little sleep.

Glad you had your SW there to help through it all.

Sending lots of 💗💗hon. I hope this afternoon goes a little better for you.

[Jynx]

Here w you @Bow - just in a meeting but I'll respond properly in a smidge. 

Hugs 💜

[Jynx]

@Bow Omigosh darlin what a spectacularly difficult day. I'm sorry to hear about how things unfolded. I know you're probably swimming in regret about your choices but I wanna point out - I see you making the effort. I see you trying to persist despite wanting to have left earlier. It may have blown up in your face today but you still deserve acknowledgement of the difficult steps that you still took. 

What are you up to now, hun?