My Mosaic

[Jynx]

My mum has this hectic skill @Bow of being able to completely forget information she finds too distressing! It's a mental defense from her own childhood trauma she never dealth with - repression. Reason I bring it up is cos I wonder if like... there's some repression going on amongst your supports? This is not supposed to be an accusation towards them, nor a criticism, and I might be very wrong, but honestly it is a topic that we are socialised to never talk about, and sometimes humans have a habit of blocking out stuff they don't feel capable of thinking about safely. Because it is also something that can carry particularly intense trauma for women and uterine-bodied individuals too. Even MH professionals can be uneasy around a topic and not want to bring it up unless a client does first. 

Of course, all of that becomes deeply unfair and problematic when it results in you feeling like you both can't talk about it in a lot of spaces, and that you also have to continuously educate folks around you about the experience too - and sounds like doing so is to satisfy their curiosity far more often than it is about them actually holding that space for you.  

I think some of that is unavoidable - I mean, we can always work towards social change but in the meantime we still gotta play by the crappy rules. We can't force people to be understanding or open-minded, only protect ourselves from those who prove to be the opposite. 

Curious, was it all of your supports? Is there anyone you're feeling super let down by? Cos I reckon it's definitely worth a conversation with em - but maybe in a few weeks when your system has hopefully settled a bit? 

[Bow]

Doesn’t matter @Jynx 

deleted it all

and just gonna disappear 

[Jynx]

Even if it doesn't matter to you right now @Bow it still matters to me. But you do what you need to hun, if writing it out is too painful then it's not a helpful task to focus on. 

I'll be here till 9 if you feel like re-manifesting after your disappearance 💜

[Bow]

Tired of trying @Jynx 

@tired of nothing working 

tired of working so hard and it being for nothing 

I’ll leave a space for someone else 

maybe it will work for them 

[Jynx]

But no one else could fill the hole you leave @Bow because it is Bow shaped. You may have come to the conclusion that the world doesn't need you, but maybe the world has other ideas? 

[Jynx]

Also just sending some hugs, I feel like my post above was a bit cold and I want you to know I am hearing how hard and exhausting it is @Bow 

Hugs hugs hugs 💜