Hello @Former-Member,
My interests are: fracture mechanics, numerical analysis, Australia's natural environment, conservation, bushwalking, cricket, running, cycling, research, studying, writing, speaking, mental health, personal development, and religion.
Overall, the best strategy I've found is to participate in activities in my interest areas, as there I am most likely to find others suitable and willing to communicate with me, and to meet as many people as possible hoping that eventually someone suitable and willing will form a friendship with me. However, I found that, despite meeting hundreds or thousands of people, I am still looking. I found lots of people who were willing to participate in the interest activity with me but unwilling to form a friendship outside the activity.
- I've attended more than 150 Meetup events in the past six years, including about 75 events I've organised myself, and I am the owner of one group. The closest I've come to making a friend was one person, but they apparently lessened interest in me because of their commitment to existing family and friendship groups and because our interests were slightly misaligned. Most members are older than me and a high proportion are from a different culture, which also reduces the likelihood of shared values and perspectives. Sometimes I organise events for which other members register, but then no-one shows, leaving me to sadly complete the activity alone. Usually I do so while trying not to cry because my efforts to organise interesting events were apparently wasted and I don't understand why people deceive me. My events are free.
- I've been a member of four recreational clubs (soccer, cricket, bushwalking, and Toastmasters), but can't say I made a lasting friend. I've known people for 2.5, 5, 10, 15 & 20 years through these clubs, but again found people are willing to participate in the interest activity with me, but when I try to develop a friendship outside the activity they are not interested.
- My work colleagues seem to have different interests and beliefs to me. When I have invited them to extracurricular events I enjoy and have organised myself, I have received only three attendees to more than fifteen separate events. My work is apparently so competitive that that those I sit next to in my office are actively in opposition to me. Employers closely control employees seeking others in their interest area as it normally conflicts the employers strategy. I am traumatised by past experiences of criticism, bullying, and exclusion.
- I have been a member of three professional associations. I attend regular seminars and workshops, but the people I meet have attitudes like my work colleagues. Sometimes I've attended networking events but left distraught when I felt deceived by the events or treatment by other people. I asked two of these organisations whether I could advertise my own events that I would find interesting in the hope they would help me attract similar people. But the organisations didn't allow it. I don't understand the purpose of the associations if they won't allow paid members to seek and connect with other paid members. I organised a discussion group last year with the third association, then attended three out of five events by myself because the registrants didn't attend.
- I found an online forum about one of my technical interest areas but the people are almost all from other countries and appear to have different motivations to me. I asked two leading subject matter experts in my city for their advice, and one of them allowed me to volunteer to supervise a student, but they are both from different cultures and age groups to me and I feel were not really suitable a friends, more collaborators.
- I have attended church periodically my whole life. Almost all other attendees are much older. I have attended two courses at my church in which the participants were younger but I seemed to have a different theological understanding to them and therefore didn't make a connection.
- I have used online dating. In three years all I have achieved is three phone calls. The people I send messages to often don't respond or respond only once of twice, then stop abruptly. I really don't know why or why I am not interesting enough to others to at least engage in one phone call. Those who spoke to me then said they were not interested in speaking again.
- I tried to receive professional help. One counsellor suggested I try laughing therapy and proceeded to demonstrate, but I didn't find it funny and felt I was being laughed at, that was after telling me that she was unable to help and I should consult a different practitioner. A psychologist told me he believes I have a recognised mental condition and recommended I attend events for people with the condition, but when I attended I found the others were different to me. I feel let down after visiting practitioners because I feel the costs are disproportionately high in comparison to purchasing a home, food, and basic living expenses, and I believe practitioners are conflicted in forming friendships with patients due to codes of conduct. I have participated in this online forum and other mental health online forums. However, the forums are anonymous and I've found it hard to make friends with faceless people.
- I once saw someone very interesting on a train and found their contact details. However, I received no response to my messages.
- The act of forming a friendship is apparently so trivial to most people that organisations such as Relationships Australia mostly have resources for people in relationships, not those trying to form a friendship.
The second strategy I've found is to analyse my interactions with others in the hope that I may identify deficiencies in my communication, which I can then change. I've studied assertive communication and empathy but either I am apparently not using it correctly, am unable to make sense of the feedback I receive, or the other person simply stops communicating with me for reasons I know not. Sometimes I practice empathy with imaginary friends or people with whom I would like to form a friendship in the hope this will give me some satisfaction or telepathically influence the other into forming a friendship with me but it is not the same as actually having a friend.
The third strategy I've found is to use psychological treatment methods such as cognitive behaviour theory and acceptance and commitment theory. The trouble I've found with these is that they seem to focus on cognitive rather than practical techniques. I am able to suppress my desires and distress by intellectual activity but this just increases my feelings in an accelerating cycle.
There is more discussion about the topic in my following forum thread. Independence-and-Friendship
