Listening to triggering music

[rav3n]

honesty that makes a lot of sense @creative_writer seems like the talk therapy part is hitting a wall for you and trying something 'out of the box' might just be what helps you on your healing journey. and if it doesn't work out... well at least you're a step closer to finding what does work for you. 

have you tried somatic therapy? i haven't myself but the concept of it intrigues me.

[creative_writer]

@rav3n I looked into psychs online, I found a clinic which is a bit of a distance (1hr by public transport) but has neuroaffirming psych and have options like EMDR and therapists that consider polyvagal theory. I’m thinking of shortlisting some psychs and then I’ll figure out who to go with. I can let the therapist know I don’t want to focus on CBT and exposure therapy for trauma. It did require researching into options. I just hope this ends with something good and isn’t a dead end. I’ve seen a lot of dead ends lately for me

[rav3n]

@creative_writer oo yay this is exciting, so glad you found a neuroaffirming psych!! i really hope this one works out for you too... but worst case scenario, if it's not - then maybe back to the art therapy sort of idea?

also how are you feeling today? has the stomach pain gone down?

[creative_writer]

@rav3n finding a psych is a tedious process. The thing is I’m still struggling, and I don’t like admitting that maybe I still need help. But I’ve been in therapy for years on and off for so long. Maybe it’s the chronic nature of bipolar and cptsd. I also have ND brain on top of all that. My brain is wired differently, it makes me more prone to experiencing distress. Getting support goes against my fundamental desire to be independent and free of need of support from others. Maybe it’s my attachment style, I crave emotional connection but avoid it at the same time.

The stomach pain is better. I have a bit of a migraine, maybe I should eat. I can’t have pain relief because the stomach pain may have been triggered by those pain reliefs I took when I had a sinus infection

[rav3n]

i can definitely relate to the 'crave emotional connection but avoid it' @creative_writer  i think the hard truth is that there's often no reward without risk. having social anxiety and realising that was definitely tough, and honestly still is. knowing that i have to risk being vulnerable, risk being rejected, risk being told 'no', etc., all for a chance at connection, to feel understood, to learn about to cope and to get closer to the life i want. KNOWING that there's 'no reward without risk' doesn't make it easier to take risks though... but at least it gives you the space to plan things and figure out where to take those risks.

you mentioned wanting to live independently - is this because you enjoy your own company? do you prefer living alone? or do you feel like a burden to others? 

everyone needs support, but identifying what that support looks like might be easier for some than others. and maybe trying a bunch of different avenues might help shape that for you?

[creative_writer]

@rav3n my brain often tells me I’m better off alone. When I’m alone nobody can reject me. Other people won’t judge either when I’m alone, they won’t think I’m overreacting nor will they pathologise me for struggling with mental health. I also hate feeling misunderstood. A lot of people don’t feel comfortable with strong emotions either, so I avoid burdening them.

I think a part of me even wonders if the right support exists. If only I could make myself believe the trauma was a dream and none of it happened, then maybe I wouldn’t be so broken

[rav3n]

i hear you @creative_writer it's like being alone is a lil protective bubble. feeling misunderstood is a big one. do you reckon it's possible to be fully understood by one person? in my experience, the only person who'll 100% understand me is... me. everyone else might get me 1%, 25%, 88%, maybe even 99% but unless they've walked in my shoes and lived my life... maybe accepting the 88% or 25% could be enough? maybe it's about finding someone who gets different parts of you - when it comes to romantic relationships, i have one person i go to... but she doesn't get the family complications side of me so i go to someone else for that, etc. totally okay if you disagree with me here! i think this was my way of accepting that people will misunderstand each other at some point. even my most understanding of friends have, but were able to talk about it and learn from each other.

you're not broken for not having found your support yet. and you're not broken for having experienced trauma. i'm so sorry that your experiences and society has made you feel that way, and i know your journey of finding the right supports has been long - but it is out there. maybe the support you need is unconventional! maybe it's something you haven't heard of yet! you're not alone in that, there are so many people who have found mainstream services or therapies as 'not a fit' for them, but then suddenly discovered something new whether its art therapy, naturotherapy, etc. 

[creative_writer]

@rav3n maybe I’m the only one who can understand myself the most, but I’ve had times where I felt more heard. Not feeling heard is where the feeling misunderstood kicks in. I think it’s natural to crave validation and wanting to be believed too. Once someone tries to question what I experienced, my brain goes on defensive mode and I feel like I need to explain things. Those experiences have made me second guess myself and wonder whether I’ve just made a mess of something that wasn’t as traumatic as my mind believes it to be.

I probably wouldn’t even say I understand myself 100%, sometimes I lose my words and feel paralysed. Not sure what to do about the paralysis, I wake up feeling emotionally paralysed everyday and don’t feel like getting out of bed.

I just hope I’m able to find a more holistic therapist. There is so much I can’t express with words, but I need to get it out somehow. This icky feeling follows me everywhere. The dirt can’t be washed off and I feel stained 😢

[creative_writer]

OCD thoughts are a pain 😢

[tyme]

Agreed @creative_writer !