I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I can try that @Ru-bee. I instantly go to the worst case scenario as that’s always been my life. Everyone has always thought bad of me and I was always put down or left out. I was always told that I was never good enough. I never got compliments or any respect. I’ve never even been told ‘I love you’ in 48 years. It’s hard to change the feeling of not being wanted when I’ve never been wanted or cared for by anyone. Especially when everything I did involved punishment, not the being sent to your room kind.  Mum always tells us her life would have been so much better if she never had the horrible kids she got. 

Whatever I did I always got into trouble. Everything I do I feel 

like I’m going to get into trouble. I stress at work that I’ll do something wrong and get into trouble. The digger operator pulled up early the other morning and I was scared I was going to get into trouble for not getting the last load, for putting my truck computer system into a delay 15 minutes early. Everyone does it but I’m scared I’ll get blamed. On Friday night a guy called me up and wanted me to go to a different channel. He got there and my first response was ‘what’d I do?’ 

I know this has happened to most people but it has stuck with me. It’s so deeply engrained that even whipper snippering the lawn had me stressed just then as I’m worried mum and dad will say it’s not done properly. 

That’s my fear of being constantly in trouble. That’s why I have reacted so badly. Getting the email to ban me was me in trouble. I get the guidelines and understand that they are important but also when you see others say more inappropriate things it feels personal. 

I hope this puts into a little context of why my brain goes where it does. I know and understand I’m not the only one and I need to get over it but it’s hard. 

I know people think I’ve had it easy as everyone else has been through so much worse so I shouldn’t complain. 

It is good but I’ve only done it in still water. It’s hard work but relaxing at the same time, actually paddling and balancing is tough but when you just stand out there watching the fish under your feet or the dolphins close by it’s amazing.

So far I have cleaned my entire house and whippet snippered the backyard and now I’m about to go and mow it. It’s taking a massive amount of self talk! 

[Ru-bee]

Thank you for taking the time to add that context @Captain24 

I know we all come in with unique backgrounds and challenges and it helps when we get to understand these a little better. 

Also I just wanted to highlight what a huge change it is that you're able to go out and mow and work in the back yard. Massive progress from months back. Go Cap!!

Paddle boarding with dolphins sounds absolutely magical! I can't remember if I've ever actually seen dolphins in the wild, if I have it would've been in the distance

[Captain24]

Thanks for understanding @Ru-bee. It’s going to take a long time to undo 48 years of conditioning especially when it’s ongoing. I often wonder what it is like to be loved and cared for. 

I’ve done half the back and now to do the other half. That’s another hour to go. Then whippet snippet the front, go for coffee at 5 and then come home and mow the front. It has to be done as there is too many snakes around already. I don’t want another one in my backyard, it’s to scary. It is a huge change sometimes I can push myself to get things done. But then other times I just can’t. My last block of days off work I couldn’t do anything. I just slept and hated myself. I know I’m pushing myself too far today but that just means a little less to do tomorrow and maybe I can find some time to myself. Hopefully not go back to bed though. 

We see dolphins all the time when we go away. It’s a dolphin breeding area, which also means a great white shark area! But the dolphins come in close to the shore especially along one of the dog beaches. I went to Forster once with Pix, it was just the two of us, we saw dolphins up close and Pix saw them. She wouldn’t take her eyes off the water. I know she saw them as her body lifted up and she looked surprised. 

[Captain24]

I’m not really sure anyone will check in but if you do I’m going to bed. Im feeling really sick and have a pounding headache. I think I dehydrated myself today. 

[rav3n]

hey @Captain24 i'm about to head off for the night but i did want to pop in and say hi before i go!

i get headaches when i'm dehydrated too. if you have hydrolyte/other types of electrolytes, they might help you recover a bit quicker? please do get some fluids in and rest up 💙

[AuntGlow]

That's okay @Captain24, I am glad you listened to your body. ☺️

Hmm, I don't know if it's a matter of you being lazy, but rather, exhausted? It sounds like you're doing a lot annd working nights can make functioning during the day so much harder! 

So I am going to remind you to be gentle with yourself where you can, okay?

I wish I could give you a big hug. I am so sorry this is all coming up for you in such a big way. Know that we care about you and ensuring that little Captain feels safe here. I know that fear and rejection are feeling prominent right now, so what would help you with a sense of safety tonight? 

It sounds like working on this inner dialogue could be really helpful (I know it's so much easier said than done, but we can try some things out together!)

What do you think your psychologist would say to reframe your thoughts? And what do you think she'd ask you to do with these bigger feelings?

We're in this with you and want to support you, okay? 🥰