I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Yep.. when I’m with them I'm that 8 year old again. The one in the veranda trying to be good because mum was saying she didn’t want us, she never wanted to see us again, she didn’t deserve to have such horrible children. I’m that 8 year old that is trying to be loved. @Jynx. This is the memory that got rescripted 

I know it’s different but my mum still says some of that stuff. If I don’t make sure everyone is happy or if my brother and I disagree it’ll all come out. I hope that makes more sense of the situation.  I am that little girl trying to do the right thing and appease everyone. 

Hopefully I get strong enough in the next 12 months. My psych will help. Hopefully she can help at the next session. Just to get me through. She is deeply concerned as she said I very rarely talk about my brother and she obviously knows the situation with my parents. 

Im not sure I’m in the right head space. My head space is really dark right now. Dangerously dark. Worse than last night dark. 

[tyme]

Do you only work on rescripting one memory at a time? Or is this something you learn to do more of yourself later @Captain24 ? Sorry, I haven't had too much experience with rescripting.... only a bit.

[Captain24]

At this stage it’s only one memory @tyme. I think it’s only one at a time as there is a lot of work in it. We had to redo it during my appointment yesterday and probably again. I think she has to do it. She inserted her self into the memory. She took me away from the situation and took me to Nan and pops. I guess after doing more I may be able to attempt to do it myself.

It’s actually really interesting. It feels like voodoo. Like my mind is being altered. 

[tyme]

Can you tell me a bit more about it if you feel up to it? @Captain24 

Does she ask you to think of the situation and then talk to it like a running commentary and ask you to imagine it?

The one I did was just a one off... I hated it at first, but the way you have shared it sounds so different.

Also, I think I hated it because I wasn't ready for it.

[Jynx]

@Captain24 Aye hun if you're still copping the same horrible abusive stuff from them that you've been catching since you were little, it's gonna make it that much harder to process and move forward. You're still just surviving them. That's not a personal failing, that's a normal human reaction to ongoing distress.  

I gotta go hun, but I will catch you tomorrow if you're about. Many hugs 🫂🫂🫂

[Captain24]

Ok @tyme 

So I had to focus on that memory. I had to put myself back there as the 8 year old. I could see where I was standing my brother on the slippery dip and mum coming out the door saying it all. My psych comes into the back yard and introduces herself as S and that mum doesn’t know her but she tells mum that she will be my psych in the future. My psych asked the current me what mum would say. I said she would accept it. So in the memory she gets out her magic wand and freezes mum. She takes me out the side gate and we go for a walk. She walks me to Nan and pops house. We walk in. My psych says to pop that she is S and would be my psychologist in the future and I need their help now. She told pop what was happening and pop hugged me then nan came in from the kitchen and held me to. My psych checked if it was ok for her to leave. I was wrapped up in a hug sandwich from Nan and pop and I said I was ok.

I have to keep reprocessing it everyday. So writing it out has helped me do that for today.

Thats why I think it’s just one at a time and it would have to be under her supervision.

Does that make sense? Does that help? 

[Captain24]

Thanks @Jynx

it’s still ongoing and I’ll never get past it. 

[tyme]

It's so so powerful @Captain24 . No, I have never gone into that depth of rescripting. Mine was more surface level (because I rejected it).

It makes so much more sense. And yes, I can see how you'd have to reprocess that repeatedly.

And yes, maybe that is something you can do in the future.

One more 'strange' question. Do you have to close your eyes to do it? This is the part that freaks me out!

[tyme]

Do you think your psych can share any websites or info about it? @Captain24 

Totally ok if she can't. It just sounds so valuable.

But you know what? In all this, I think it's super important to acknowledge that YOU are taking the big steps to do this. 

As I mentioned, when i did it, I wasn't ready (or willing). But you are. And this shows that you have progressed, even if it doesn't feel like it.

[Captain24]

Ask away.. I’m happy to answer anything. Anything that helps you understand. @tyme It was an interesting experience. I was a little hesitant at the start but she just has a way about her and I have a lot of trust in her. 

I had to set my gaze on something. I just stared at it. It was just a sticker on my laptop. I could just hear her in the background. I had to answer questions throughout.