@Dani1981
Hello Dani
“Everything is good”, which is not an expression that I particularly like or normally use, but it says how I feel. In an association/friendship/relationship where I would like to think the middle reference applies in our case, despite the anonymity, we work through issues that arise. There is never going to be an association of any type where problems or issues will not arise or, in some way, need to be addressed, qualified and balanced. It's how we deal with those issues that make for a positive association or otherwise in any context.
In our case, you stated your concern, I responded and we've dealt with that and I hope that our friendship is that much stronger for the exercise. I just hope that I am not being too bold in calling our association a friendship. However, that is how I would like to think of it. We find many other linkages on these forums where people have very good associations at varying levels that would be viewed as mutually supportive friendships; again despite and sometimes, dare I say it, because of anonymity. Who knows how we (collective we) might react if we were ever to meet. I can only hope that the meeting and experience would be pleasant and positive.
Your first comment in your reply to me yesterday sounds like you are beating yourself up regarding being a “hypocrite”. It may be that you are sometimes over critical of yourself in friendships. You think the other person is not responding the way that you think they might. Then you somehow blame yourself for the difference. Once we start blaming or passing judgement on ourselves or others, we have taken ourselves to that judgement stage on a point of difference, without going through negotiation, arbitration, etc., as you and I have done in our recent experience. Once we are at judgement stage, whether of ourselves or others, it is difficult to go back to basics, the point where we would like to be in a friendship. I guess what I am also saying is that we need to be as forgiving towards ourselves as we might be toward others.
The issue of rejection. WOW, it is a big issue for most of us. And it is from this fear that arises our self-criticism, the idea that we may not have met the “standards expected of us” whether our own or what we believe others expect of us. And when our criticism of ourselves becomes intense, it not only becomes a matter of high concern to ourselves, but that very same self-criticism becomes a barrier between us and others. The barrier is one we have built ourselves. It is a form of Self-exclusion.
Yesterday, I was talking with someone about what they described as “an unusual fear based dream” that they had. I suggested that they
“sit down in a comfortable chair, relax as completely as you can and allow yourself to consider the possibilities and implications that the dream may have for you and your relationships with other people. Remember that the dream is what your mind is offering you. Be kind to yourself and others during this reflection. Notice that I have not mentioned the perceptions of anyone else. No-one else is involved in you having a dream. The dream is your story and only yours.”
The reason I mention the dream response is because I would like you, if you would, to set aside ten minutes when you will be on your own to do exactly the same thing, with the only difference being to replace “the dream” with a “friend” in your mind. Again, sit in a comfortable chair and consider having a conversation with a friend. My guess is that during that conversation you will find yourself leaning forward to emphasise a point or ensure that your friend does not misunderstand you. At that point, I would then like you to quietly make yourself aware of your tenseness and gently ease yourself back into the comfortable chair and continue your dialogue with your friend.
I have deliberately said gently because there should be no self-censure, criticism, reprimand, or anything that might be considered corrective – just gently relax back into the chair and continue the conversation.
Remember the conversation is your conversation, and only yours, just like the dream story.
This activity may seem somewhat theatrical at first, but if you can do it a few times I think that you may become aware of the enjoyment you can have in a conversation while you are completely relaxed. Not expecting anything of yourself nor of the other person, but simply enjoying the participation and exchange of ideas in the conversation.
It is indeed, the fear of rejection and/or abandonment that causes us to over-invest in our interactions with other people. And when the response doesn't match our investment we think that we have somehow failed. This is where self-criticism and self-blame begins. This process begins a cycle that eventually wears us out. We then become emotionally exhausted from the constant heavy drain on our personal resources. This is why I am asking you to participate in the “conversation between you and a friend” on your own a few times, and then gradually bring that exercise into your real-life friendships. Remember also, to practice the same relaxed demeanour while you are standing or moving around. I do believe that you will be very pleasantly surprised at the responses that you receive. However, my caution is that you do not seek or try to initiate the responses, simply put what you have practised into play and allow whatever happens, to happen. You will also feel far less stressed at the end of an evening or any other gathering.
I believe that one possible reason that you “gravitate towards friendships with males” may be because you feel more at ease conversing with men. Okay, I acknowledge that there are differences in communications between men and women of which I still have no understanding. However, I do think that there is a slightly more competitive element among women than among men. Now that is only my belief, yet to be confirmed. However, if you do what I have suggested, I believe that people will soon be saying,
“Hey, Dani (insert your name) how come you're so chill? What is it that's happening in your life that's brought this difference.”
And remember that it is you who have changed the way you interact with others.
Just don't let them get too carried away with the possible reasons. That might not be a good thing.
And it will difficult to convince them it was all in a dream.
I am pleased that, while your father was, as you say, not the most responsive to your needs as a child, growing up, that you still regard him favourably and fondly and recognise the love he had for you and that you love him also.
Thank you for your comment regarding the enjoyment of reading my messages. You see, this is a mutually rewarding relationship, and I likewise look forward to your responses.
Be assured that I am happy to continue our correspondence, Dani. I likewise enjoy the opportunity of “speaking” with you. I find your messages interesting, sometimes intriguing, challenging and I enjoy responding
Thank you
With Best Wishes
HenryX
