Over The Edge

[Zoe7]

@Former-Member Your daughter is not just 'making the same mistakes' she is continuing along a path of learned behaviour. As you have said - she continues to enter into abusive relationships - that is how she has leaent to live and in a way is 'accepting' of that behaviour as the norm - no matter how much she is hurt. I definitely get that  It is an extremely difficult mindset to 'escape' and even more difficult to get out of. When it is all that you have know - you can't actually see another side - no matter who tells you or how many times you are told there is another side. It then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy - you don't know any better and don't seek any bettter - you don't seek any better and then you feel even worse about yourself and are unable to look past the nightmare you are actually in.

I can imagine how distressing it is for a mother who cares so much about their daughter to watch - and I can tell you it is very difficult to look back myself and know that is where I was and I didn't have a way out - it took me a long time to try recognise I could get out and to 'set the wheels in motion' but then it got so much worse. I am lucky to be alive - I don't see it as anything more than that! How have I 'coped' since - not well! I did shut-out everyone - family, friends, colleagues - and continue to do so. It is an easier road to travel to stop any more pain - but the pain doesn't stop there! 

As horrible as this may seem - there may be absolutely nothing you can do but wait for her to 'fall' and be there to help 'pick up the pieces' - if she allows you in. As difficult and as hard as that would be to accept - you will not be able to live your life while you are waiting for her to 'get hers together'. As hard as it is - maybe letting her go is the best way to support her - so she is totally on her own and doesn't have a 'safety net' to fall back on. Sometimes it isn't until we really do hit 'rock bottom' that the light begins to shine again - my hope is that your daughters rock bottom isn't final for your sake as much as for hers.

Zoe 

[Former-Member]

Hi @Maggie

The quote that you posted just became visible, so I have only just read it. How beautiful it was. I have heard the term "Empath" and I possibly do fit that description. I think mainly born through my own suffering. If I hadn't of suffered I would not relate to others suffering. And the compassion I gained led me to volunteering and giving back the community. 

Dont know what I touched but the text is coming up bold Lol. Sorry, can't figure presently how to undo this. Very interesting - I will fiddle around with it later and work it out haha.

I think the world has become a much more stressful place to live and to easy for people to become absorbed solely in survival. It's becoming a greedier place caused by a minority. And others become disadvantaged. I do get very emotional when I witness the resulting misery caused - I see it where I work a lot. But the good part is putting smiles on people's faces and giving them some worth and dignity back which they were robbed of. Yes, I must be an Empath lol.

I know what it is like to be stripped of dignity and worth at a young age. If I can ease that pain in some hten my journey here has been worth it. Love you @Maggie

[Zoe7]

@Former-Member I quite like you writing in bold - it echoes the strength you have despite your vulnerabilities - without you even saying anything 

[Former-Member]

Hello my dear friend @Zoe7 It pains me to read that you have been through similar to my daughter. I have seen the nightmare she is going through. Such darkness. She is also shutting us out. And all other good people that were in her life. But she allows in the abusers - I see what you mean by mindset. I was too angry at my abusers to let them near me - but I reacted negatively in other ways (alcohol etc for awhile once 30 yrs ago). And it did take reaching that really low place to find my way back up. I can relate to that. 

My daughter is very lucky to be alive also - similar reasons to yourself. The doctors kept telling her that.  To see her like that was an unmentionable pain. She was in despair. I was very strong at the time thankfully as she needed me then. But I am just not enough. That's okay - as long as she finds a happier path....That's what I wish for.

You are right, I don't think anything I can go on like this. Waiting to live my life when she finds hers. That is what I have been doing. And it's not working. You have read my situation well. I have to emotionally detach - I am trying to learn as she was my world for so long. And I feel her pain...

What you are saying is the truth. She will have to hit rock bottom similar to @Faith-and-Hope's husband - for her really to see the light again. I just wish it didn't have to come to that as I know of the pain. Oh @Zoe7, I have to ride this out. The pain is so great but what else can I do? Thanks for being there. I have to remain strong so I can be there to pick up the pieces 💕xxxx

[Zoe7]

You keep hanging on to your supports @Former-Member - keep talking, keep doing the things that you find that little bit of light in, keep loving your daughter but from a distance, keep on knowing that you are there when/if she does hit rock bottom. You have to be strong for yourself to be able to help your daughter too @Former-Member and I feel the best way for you to do that is to stop 'blaming' yourself for her situation and start to 'live' your life. I can hear alot of grief (and a little sense of self blame) in what you write - but that is definitely not the case. Your daughter has also not made a choice to be where she is - it has been forced upon her by circumstances and her self-esteem being continually driven into the ground - and that is not a place that one can easily escape or come back from. Maybe - like me - she is so 'beaten down' that she doesn't know what it is like to feel safe, to be safe - and her 'default setting' is to go with what she knows because she doesn't believe she deserves any better - again - a very, very hard mindset to recognise and get out of!

[Maggie]

@Former-Member I can identify well with your daughter going from one abusive relationship to the other, as I've done it all my life. A strange thought though, the abusers find me. My childhood was violence on every level, I have DID thanks to that. I ran straight into more abuse trying to escape, then an abusive marriage that only ended with his affair and dropping me at the mhu, that was the last I saw of him and the so called friends. I didn't have the strength to leave, somehow I found a way to blame me. But after years in and out of the psych ward I'm free of that side of my life. I can look for healing now. What I'm trying to say is I hope something will happen for your daughter to realise that she is worth better. How you cope yourself I don't know dear lady, find ways to be good to you and take breaks. We are all here for you...always....you are an earth angel. Rest well.

[Zoe7]

@Maggie 

[Former-Member]

Hello my trip was wonderful. I saw so much of England and Wales....beautiful spots

I walked a lot myself and discovered more about the places than my relatives who lived there knew

my son was very delusional and many nights I would hear the ping of more and more horrifying messages about his welfare and my own.

I think that he might have felt threatened, frightened that I had left him.

I responded most times the odd time I was terrified about how to reply.

this is such a dreadful way to exist, reach out and live in fear.

feeling such despair and helplessness, not sleeping and long daylight hours, eating late, going to bed routine

disturbed along with underlying depression and anxiety had it's toll.

I feel as though I am in a huge void, upside down, nauseous and sleep deprived.

I have also gone on about this too much. I am not one who is used to talking about myself, more an empath myself, born the sensitive child. Talking about myself feels so selfish yet I easily encourage others to do just that.

So I shall leave it there.

thanks for reading

[Adge]

@Former-Member ×××

You're not talking too much, I'm thinking of you.

I couldn't work out how to put those hearts in this message (from my phone) -otherwise I would have.

I'm sensitive too, & was always expected to look after other people's needs first, before my own.

Adge

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Former-Member .... ❤️💕