Don’t want to accept the pain

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I want so much more with life, but sometimes it’s hard to see beyond the chaos in my mind. I want to not feel broken. I think I had become so career focused last year, I didn’t slow down enough to take care of myself. I wanted the degree over and done with, I burnt myself out in the process. This year I had to look within myself and try to manage the burn out symptoms. My new psych has been amazing, but healing is hard. I’m not even sure what made me crack last week, maybe it’s the healing process, I don’t know. I’m going for a forest walk tomorrow, I’m hoping to clear out my head

[Jynx]

@creative_writer I'm glad you've been able to recognise what might be going on hun, and that you've found a good match with the psych! 

Aww yes that sounds sooo nice and good for the soul!! And hopefully you and your psych can unpack these feelings together and make a bit more sense of things 🤞💜

I shall bid you nighty night! 😊 Hope tomorrow is chill, and you get plenty of rest tween now and then 😌

[AuntGlow]

Good evening @creative_writer, I just wanted to check-in and see how you are tonight. How was your weekend? ✨

[creative_writer]

@Jynx @AuntGlow my sleep has gotten better and I’m less agitated. It’s just going to take a while till things settle down. I’m feeling pretty ill right now physically, I had a migraine attack suddenly come on during the morning. I hope you are both doing well 💖

[AuntGlow]

@creative_writer I am so glad to hear that your sleep has improved and the agitation has decreased - big win. 🥳

I understand things taking time to recalibrate, this is very normal. 

Ow, migraines are the absolute worst... I used to get them a lot, with the auras too. I hope you are finding some time to eat, hydrate, and rest some more. 💛

[creative_writer]

@AuntGlow migraines don’t help with mood. Probably not in that mixed mood state anymore, but more of a depressive one. Mixed mood state is worse than just depression. I am also flashbacky right now.

I get auras too, thankfully mine are short lived and mild. I get blind spots. Though probably still not safe to do certain activities when I get them

[creative_writer]

I’ve been thinking that I’m scared to tell my whole story because I don’t know if people will believe me or think I’m overreacting. I’m afraid it’ll open too many wounds. Is it possible to heal from trauma if you don’t go into details? I can’t get myself to do it again, too many bad experiences. I am mindful I only have 5 psych sessions for the year, I don’t want to open too much and I’m too scared. This craziness is lonely. I feel crazy. I’m afraid if people knew they’ll think I’ve lost my mind

[AuntGlow]

@creative_writer experiencing a lot of flashbacks would be immensely triggering, I am sure. I think that really slowing things down, especially with your migraine, could be helpful tonight. What do you have planned? 

I get being afraid that you may come across like you are overreacting, but trust that you are not. Your feelings and experiences will always be held here. 

I think the best way to go about this is by slowly sharing your story in safe spaces. Unlocking all of our trauma at once can flood the nervous system, so we want to make sure we're sharing intentionally. It is absolutely possible to heal parts of your trauma without delving into all of the details. My psychologist is a big supporter of somatics, and encourages following the feeling, expressing it, and allowing it to shift organically - of course some narrative might come about with this too, but it comes from being held in the experience of safely expressing the feeling first. Does that make sense? 

Please know that you are not crazy, you're just learning as you go. It's okay to take your time sharing. Can you let your psychologist know that this is how you are feeling?

[creative_writer]

@AuntGlow I’m going to have dinner soon. I think I need to chill tonight. I have prayers, skincare and may also listen to music.

I am in the process of slowly sharing, but I don’t know if I’ll get to the point where I can share the entire story. It just feels too much. I can speak to my psych about my concerns. Maybe different therapists have different expectations. I do feel like some prefer if you share details. I’ve found talking about it over and over again just keeps me stuck, I can’t do it again.

Sometimes I struggle to express emotions sometimes, especially when I am overwhelmed. I think somatically express myself may be helpful

[AuntGlow]

@creative_writer These sound like really lovely ways to take care of yourself this evening. What music have you been listening to lately? 🎶

Honestly, I think it's amazing that you know yourself this well. You have wonderful insight, and I believe it will only grow the more you listen to it. 🥰 It's okay to not share everything and to be honest with your psychologist. A good therapist will meet you where you're at and only challenge you when it is appropriate and you have developed that sense of safety/rapport with them. 

I would love to hear how you go with exploring this. 💛