Bpd without splitting?

[3v3ryday]

Hello!
I am for a while now sure that I have bpd. I currently do not have the means to go to a psychologist, so I have to rely on the internet. I suffer from depression since I'm a teenager (I'm 22), so I always thought that those symptoms are depression symptoms. But I stumbled across a support group on FB and they posted memes about bpd and I could relate to 90% of them. Then I did some research and I realised that bpd sounds a lot like me... I have zero personality, I even went that far, that everytime i saw a character on TV that I r ally likes, I'd try to be them (cat from victorious is the one I remember the most. I was so obsessed with her). I literally don't know what I wanna do as a job, I don't think I have any talents, really. Some days I think I'm pretty good at drawing and then next day I think I suck at it and I can never make a loving out of that. I do have tendencies to abuse drugs and I'm suicidal and I've been self harming for years now (even though I'm clean for half a year now). But I know those are Symptoms of my depression, too. Now here's the thing, I don't really split. I do have a fp and I've been crushing on people really really hard, all my life. Like I get completely obsessed with a person, no matter if they like me back and I would not stop thinking about them and when a boyfriend is also my for and they broke up, I'd fall really really deep. My first real love broke up with me 2years ago and the relationship lasted only 3months but it took me a year to get over them. So I don't really split, like I idiolize people and if they really do me harm, I can hate on them, but it's not as extreme as I think it is with most people who have bpd. So I just wanted to know, if there are people here who have bpd and don't split either? I feel like I'm not valid and I know a self dx is pretty valid, but I'm not sure about this.

[Former-Member]

Have you seen your gp about this before diganousing yourself? Google can be your best friend and worst friend. I wouldn't label your self until you got a professional opinion. I've read many articles and if I listened to google 90% of my body is covered in cancer.

All the best.

[3v3ryday]

I've been to a psychologist a couple years ago and that's how I know for sure I'm depressed. So my self dx was 100% right. But he was really no help, we tried to work on my insomnia but I never got meds, even though I really needed them. Back then, it didn't occured to me that I'm suffering from more than my severe depression and ED. So now I'm just stuck with the internet, because I currently can't see a psychologist, but I'm definitely planning to.

[Former-Member]

Hi @3v3ryday - it can be quite confronting seeing aspects of ourselves when researching different types of diagnosable conditions. Even if there is no diagnosis or there's a delay for whatever reason, it can be helpful to talk through these things you've noticed about yourself such as your view of others and relationships, your lack of clarity about your future career, and your mental health history.

Glad to see you're keen to get back in contact with a psychologist about these concerns. What do you find helps when these feelings or thoughts become overwhelming for you?

[3v3ryday]

I like to write down my feelings. I keep a diary since I was 6or 7... And I like to vent on safe spaces on the internet. People there can tell me I'm not completely cr*zy

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @3v3ryday Welcome to Forum Land.

I have BPD, diagnosed about twenty years ago. I have never really understood the whole splitting thing, although others would say I do it. I do develop extremely intense attachments to people and I grieve long and deep when anyone I have had a close attachment to leaves my world. The most important person in my life (who was a father-figure to me) walked out of my world in 1997, and I have sent him a birthday card, Father's day card, and Christmas card every year since, and will continue to do so until one of us dies. All the psychiatrists etc told him that if he cut all contact with me, I would "get over" the "fixation." Yeah, that didn't pan out so well...

So...I guess I'm not all that helpful. My hospital records certainly contain numerous statements about how I engage in splitting, but as I said, I've never really understood the concept.

I hope you find it helpful hanging out here in Forum Land.

[STORMGRL101]

Hey @3v3ryday just wanted to say when I starting reading your post I was thinking OMG I can so relate.  I  have recently recieved my diagnosis of BPD.  I don't believe I engage in splitting, infact I had to google what it was. Of course, its possible the professionals have a different persepctive than me.  Hope you can see a psychologist soon.

[3v3ryday]

Thank you! That reply was really helpful and thanks for the warm welcome 🙂

[3v3ryday]

Thank you for the helpful reply!! 🙂

[3v3ryday]

Oops, idk how to edit posts here, the last 2 ones were meant for @STORMGRL101 and @Phoenix_Rising 🙂