BPD Struggle

[Peonie5]

I've never written on anything like this before but I feel so helpless and that if I reach out to others who struggle I might make some more sense of what I feel right now.

I've had a long history of depression and anxiety but more recently was properly diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I'm also lucky to be be one of those people who have an insanely weak immune system and I have so many health issues I can't write them all out! I thought I was doing ok but I just keep crashing down. I have these huge highs where I see where my life could go and feel hopeful for my future. But majority of the time I'm in this low numb state where I don't see why I should go on. Sometimes I feel like I'm invisible, then other times I feel like every person I see is staring at me.

I can't talk to my friends about this, many seem to be of the 'depression isn't s real thing' mentality and sometimes say why can't I snap out of it if I say I'm low. So why can't I snap out of it? I've seen so many different specialists and talked about everything, tried so many medications but I know think the problem is me. I can't change who I am or what's happened to me in the past that's shaped me into whatever it is I am. So what do I do?

I've had time off of work because I broke down. All the noise and drama I can't handle. Everyone is so self consumed in this society and I sit here and think if people don't really see me or understand what I'm going through, why am I here and why can't my brain just be what I feel like normal should be?

[Emily]

You've really done a great job at writing out the struggles of BPD! I can relate to everything you've talked about. I hope writing it out helped somewhat.

The only thing I can offer is hope. A few years ago I had the sorts of things going on, most noticably the bad health (seriously how can emotions affect you so much physically!) but I did finally get over that hump to happiness. Not to say I don't struggle with mood swings and bad thoughts now and then, and sometimes the occasional break down, but I'm free of bad health and depression. 

The good thing about being diagnosed is that you can figure out where things are coming from and what you can do to help them. You might try a different counselling thats better suited to BPD (I like Acceptance and Commitment but thats because I can't afford DBT) or approach the way you look after yourself differently. 

I get that its frustrating and seems so hopeless when nothing seems to change. I found Moodtracker.com helped a bit with my recovery because I could see that I was actually getting somewhere. Its not you, its the disorder. Sometimes its hard to distinguish, but the more well you get, the more you will notice which parts are really you and which are not. I wish there was a off switch I could give to you, but otherwise, I am sending my hopes to you that things will improve.

[Carefulyet]

Hi there!

I too was diagnosed with BPD about 4 years ago. A doctor once described the diagnosis as having the mind and actions of a child. I absolutely hate that description and struggled with the diagnosis for a while. After doing some research of my own I learned a lot and got my medication sorted, see a regular phycologist leading about all my stigmas.

I really good book I ready was called " I hate you, don't leave me" it's brilliantly on point with how I feel sometimes and helped me Understand why I feel them!
My mum and a few other family members ready the book " Walking on eggshells" this helped them with dealing with me. Especially when I'm having an episode of trying to manipulate everyone and everything.

As I say this I agree with what was said about professionally therapy is always the way to go.
But these are just a few extra thing I did to try help and understand myself

Hope you take the time to read " I hate you don't leave me"
It's such a good BPD book!

[Former-Member]

Hi @Peonie5, @Emily and @Carefulyet. I have BPD traits and can identify with much of what you all said. I think that what @Peonie5 said particularly rang true for me.
"I have these huge highs where I see where my life could go and feel hopeful for my future. But majority of the time I'm in this low numb state where I don't see why I should go on. Sometimes I feel like I'm invisible, then other times I feel like every person I see is staring at me."
My medication has helped with the highs but when I'm really down the medication doesn't make a difference. I did DBT but for me it didn't help. I don't think I was in the right mindset when I did it though. I was still in denial about it I think but I found it too prescriptive. I think we have to find the right therapy that feels right to us. Currently I'm doing Schema therapy and I think this is helping me😊
It seems that you are doing well @Emily, that's great. I like to hear about people who are ahead of me and on the road to recovery.
@Carefulyet. I'm glad you found something helpful too. It's great that you are getting on top of it while you are young.
Best wishes to you all 😊💜

[Peonie5]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for the posts and your stories. It's made me feel like I have people I can talk to that are going through the same. I think I will look into that book for a read to maybe open my mind to it a bit more.

Emily, your post really resonated with me and thank you for your words and the website suggestion. When you said "Its not you, its the disorder" that's the real thing I'm struggling with and I never looked at it like that.

I've been seeing a psychiatrist but think I need to explore other therapy methods because I don't think I'm getting real "help", just a bump up of medication and told to take more
Time off work which stresses me out even more, even though I know I shouldn't owe my employer anything when my health is in jeopardy.

It's good to know others offer hope and have stories where they can come out the other side it at least better manage with the minds we have.

[jamesle2015]

I have agoraphobia and anxiety.

i don't have any 'friends' - because of my agoraphobia problem.

i might have some OCD i'm not sure.

I am stressed because it's not getting better -  I tried to go for a walk a couple of weeks ago

but I didn't get far.

I feel really discouraged but I haven't been trying lately.

I have trouble with my thoughts - I get strange thoughts - it's hard to explain

it feels like the world is spinning out of control

I have to see my psych next week but not looking forward to it as

I haven't made any progress - I'm not sure why I should go when nothing seems to change.

have you had bad thoughts from the past - images from the past that you don't want

but they are suddenly there then you can't get rid of them - i have a lot of trouble with that.

if you read through my previous posts I have posted a few times

[LustStarrr]

Hi @Peonie5, I'm a fellow BPD sufferer, & have only recently received a concrete diagnosis despite mental health issues since adolescence (a good 15 years or so ago). I've been medicated for the best part of a decade, with a series of different antidepressants, & have found them to be mildly effective but nothing more, although of course your experience will be individual & different from mine.

The most hopeful thing I've found, & have researched quite intently, is the Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) treatment route, something which has proven to be very effective in studies which have been conducted over a number of years. DBT therapy is ideally administered in a group therapy environment, although individual sessions with a psychologist or counsellor trained in DBT are also effective. Often, a mental health nurse may be available at your local GP &/or specialist practice & those who need it can access free appointments under Medicare which are useful for learning such techniques as mindfulness (the first module of DBT) & for the welcome additional support. And finally, if there's no treatment program, or DBT-trained therapist, & you don't have access to the mental health nurse program, you can always learn via the self-help option: a wealth of DBT information exists on the internet, & with sites like http://www.dbtselfhelp.com , you have the resources at your disposal to teach yourself the skills needed to recover.

Good luck hon, I'm really happy you're hopeful for your chance at recovery. Keep that desire to get better foremost in your mind, & stay hopeful for something better, & you'll be OK. And keep reaching out for support, both here at Sane & elsewhere, that's proven valuable on my journey so far, & I hope it is to your too.

[LustStarrr]

A couple more resources:

https://ilovedbt.com/ (loads of links, media & resources)

&

https://www.coursesites.com/webapps/Bb-sites-course-creation-BBLEARN/courseHomepage.htmlx?course_id=... (an online training course!)

Hope they help you all. . .