Soul sister

Zoe7 · 22 Dec 2016

Hi buddy. No problem - I've been out and about a bit today so catching up tonight myself!

Me think Tassie is a good place to move to -plenty of PE jobs lots of beaches close to the major cities and beautiful waterways to throw the kayak in (and the dog!!!).

I didn't ask you the other night - 'cos I was struggling so much myself - and you don't have to answer - do you know what intially triggered your depression?

Former-Member · 22 Dec 2016

I wouldn't mind moving to Tassie- I hear you have great walking trails. I have been down to Tassie only the once for ten days and I loved it.

I am not sure what caused my depression but I have few theories- and you can tell me what you think.

Some background information

Trauma

Low grade depression (dsythmia)

Anxiety

Stress

Hormones

My depression slowly developed more from 2010 from the more milder former which I was not really aware that I had but I did know I had anxiety. And part way through 2012 it became much worse and I became to have episodes of depression, and each episode the depression became deeper, and that happen until half way through 2013, and then I slowly came out of it. In saying that at my worse it was severe, and I would say I have only improved a little bit. But slowly getting back on my feet and lighting the spark within.

I am kinda still in a bit denial in having depression just in severe it was and much it affected me. I think I had a lot of physical symptoms and I still struggle with this and the worse bit is how it has affected my sleep.

I think it was mainly stress was the major trigger for my depression because I know when anxiety dropped off so did the severity of my depression.

Zoe7 · 22 Dec 2016

@Former-Member

Here's my very specific diagnosis - your @#$*ed. LOL

Sounds similar to some of the stages I have been through but I know exactly what has triggered my depression and anxiety over the years.

Can you elaborate on the trauma -or is that too personal?

Zoe7 · 23 Dec 2016

@Former-Member

are you ok? Hope I didn't say anything that has upset you - worried about you. xxxxxxx

Zoe7 · 23 Dec 2016

@Former-Member

I think I may have crossed the line earlier by not being serious. I am so sorry.

Here's what I know from personal experience:

When you have suffered from depression for years there are certainly times that seem better than others. Often these times you are holding your head above water but not really swimming. In the most severe times you are constantly going under, struggling to tread water and even to breath. With every breath you take in, the more water you swallow, and the harder it becomes to stay alive.

Anything that places undue stress on you (mentally or physically) can only be tolerated when you are doing ok. If you are not it just adds to the drowning feeling.

Sometimes it feels as if the world is passing you by and you are just holding on. Other times you try and be a part of it then something else will hurt or anger or fail you - and you go under again. Often it is the smallest things that happen that break you. This is often a culmination of many things that you haven't been able to recognise and you do deny that you are sinking.

Depression can have a really negative affect on sleep. I haven't had a really good nights sleep (without meds) for nearly 20 years. Lack of sleep certainly doesn't help my depression because I can't function effectively and everyday is as a struggle to keep on top of things. That heightens my stress and anxiety and the depression worsens.

In my case there have been multiple traumas and many triggers. They often come from seemingly nothing - and sometimes I can cope and move on - but other times they are debilitating.

I know why I started not sleeping and it has become a long running fear. My fear is that if I sleep I won't wake up. So I have constant anxiety about going to sleep and constant nightmares as a result - which then also wake me - quite suddenly and in great distress.

Not knowing the exact trauma you have suffered I cannot speculate on how it has affected you - only that it has severely.

I have been struggling with 'keeping secrets' and dealing with my traumas on my own for so long that it has affected every aspect of my life. I'm at the point now where I don't even know if I'll be ableto go back to work. Now I have started the process of dealing with it all I am constantly asking why?

Why did it happen to me?

Why can't I deal with it?

What did I do wrong?

Why did no-one know?

Why couldn't I tell anyone?

Why can't I move forward?

Do I want to keep going?

I don't know if any of this helps but know I am still here and still care and hope you are OK

Former-Member · 23 Dec 2016

All good @Zoe7

Zoe7 · 23 Dec 2016

@Former-Member Is it really all good or are you just putting on a brave face?

Former-Member · 23 Dec 2016

@Zoe7

I'm still awake- not looking at going to bed anytime soon

To be honest I am still trying to understand my depression and why it happen. People that are close to me know that I went through significant things growing up, and I have me told by others if that happen to them or that they had to experience what I did they wouldn't be able to cope.

I think I was able to push myself for quite some time before the depression got really bad (debilitating). I am determine to recovery from this depression and to be able to function like I did beforehand. One of the worse things for me is how it has affected cognitively and memory. I would have to say that has been the hardest thing for to deal with because not having good memory, I feel like it has really affected me and my quality of life. I really thing that is the cause of my depression and it seems to be quite a vicious cycle.

Some of the sleep stuff started in my earlier 20's but I kinda out grew that and it was not significant but it has only really affected since 2012, and other times when I was stressed and I had deadlines but once that passed I was able to sleep again.

I am okay, thanks for checking in