Supporting a friend with terminal illness

[Zoe7]

A little bit disorganised and a drop in motivation!!!! - sounds like you are looking at me in a mirror!

I try to be really organised - and am usually really good at it - it is the only thing that keeps me on track at all. I don't cope well with change as it messing up my structures - not ideal for teaching but I can cope when I am feeling ok. My depression has been around - diagnosed - since I was in early 20s. There have been some periods that I haven't had medication and been doing really well - then something has happened and I've slowly (sometimes quickly) slipped down again. 

I've now been on medication for many years. GP changed it late last year and I certainly got worse before I started feeling some improvements. 

I have already told you (but just in case you don't remember LOL) I haven't slept properly unaided for over 20 years. Without the help of meds I can't sleep.They stop my mind racing and the fears subside slightly. Why did you start taking sleeping tablets yourself?

And I can understand what you have been saying about being happy and then you come crashing down. This is how I explain when the same thing has happened to me: I push myself to achieve so much and I feel that I am truly happy in life and then I start to let my guard down because I can see the future and see me being happy. I start to let off the overachieving and let people into my life and then the smallest thing happens and I wonder why I started to feel secure and safe.Then I crash bigger than before and all the hurt and pain is amplified. What has kept me going in the past is blocking out my feelings and being alone. Easier than the constant torment and the wondering when the next hit will come and where it will come from. 

Hope that makes sense to you  @Former-Member

[Former-Member]

@Zoe7 sis

Have u been taking sleep aids or meds for approximately 20 years, I do remember about your sleep issues and your struggles with sleep over the years.

I took the sleeping pills and that is so usual for me because I never take medication, the reason I took them was to get me through my placement because I was not sleeping or I was afraid I couldn't sleep and I really needed to perform. But they had a negative effect on me- it really affected my memory and I had slow movement etc, it was terrible and the memory has not gone back to where it was.

I think I told u, I went to a clinic in Sydney and when I was there they told me that they don't prescribe  ie those sleeping pills even though its an inpatient facility. Its the one that has had a bad rap in the press. When I went into the clinic they said I should have been in there 12 months early and I think possibilty when I needed the sleep meds I should have got help.

Don't worry I did read what you wrote but I have to go back and reread because of my concentration/memory. Going back to the clinic in sydney they said I had MDD and Dsythmia - even though I have the severe depression I am tackling that without meds. But in saying that I have no judgement for people who may choose a different treatment plan to me, we all have choices & options.

Since going through the severe depression I don't push myself like I did before and I am grateful that I am coming out the other end because some people don't recovery or don't get to the stage I am at, I have a lot of gratitude for that.

Do you think your depression is contributed to the fact that you live alone and you don't feel safe and to me that seems to have gotten worse has I got older we tend to have more fears and anxiety as we age. Because has a kid I was pretty fearless. Just thinking out loud..

[Former-Member]

@Zoe7 How many red bulls have u been drinking???

[Zoe7]

No I haven't had meds for all of those years.  I have had meds on and off over that time but like you I never wanted to take any. It was only when I became severely depressed that I started. There have been a few times I could see where I was heading and asked for help but that was rare. I have only really taken sleeping meds forthe last few years - but again on and off. My old GP was very good at knowing when I was in too deep and not sleeping and would give me the option.Usually if she suggested it I knew I was in 'trouble' and took her advice - she had known and treated me since I was 19 so she had been through a lot with me. I have had meds for about 3 years now.My new GP changed them because she didn't think the old ones were working any more - and I tended to agree with her. The new meds seem to be working a lot better but I stil have trouble sleeping without help. And I know I can'treturn to work until I get that sorted - I would go backwards and not forwards.

I used to be really physically active - heaps of sport, trained all the time, not a day that I wasn't doing something. Then I hurt my kneck and had to give up everything I loved. That was really difficult. I felt like I had lost yet another part of who I was. I have never really been able to do anything since.

What I do know about my depression is that I can get so low that I really don't want to go on. I can't fight my way out because I can't seea way out. I have had two serious attempts to end it and been found. Not a place I want to be again!! So when I can see myself  heading towards this place again I now ask for help. That is in itself a positive.

I know I live alone to feel safer. I don't do relationships - haven't even attempted to since early 30's- when ended in hurt - again. I think the depression has had a major impact upon me in this regard - don't know who I am so how can I expect anyone else to know me.  Plus I am just so scared of what could happen if I had anyone else in my life.

I was pretty fearless too until I was 9.

And I've only had 1 red bull - I did sleep most of today though!

Do you think there is hope for you to develop a relationship or are you too scared of what that may bring with it for you?

 @Former-Member

[Former-Member]

@Zoe7 

I thought you might have had a few because of your lack of sleep the last few nights. But I think you stayed up because you wanted to anyway. I do understand your struggle, and I wish that you will experience more peace in your life. For me I need to get myself sorted first before I have any relationship, and the way things are I doubt it will ever happen.

I truly understand your fears, and why you feel safer alone I do too. And I feel safer having Kira here, and that is why it took me so long to go into hospital because I couldn't bear leaving Kira. Plus she was keeping me going through my severe depression, and I have no idea how I did it because Kira has so much energy, she has slowed me down in the last year or so but prior that she never stopped, and now she has bursts of energy but I have never seen a dog with so much energy like her. She had 250 batteries going at once.

I'm sorry for putting a downer on things tonight, I just feel a lack of energy atm. I understand the serious nature of depression, and the impact it does have. I am sorry you have been through so much and even though I have not walked in your shoes I do understand some of it but not all of it. But I truly do feel for you. I just hope you can learn to raise above the negative emotions.

Have you tried lighting candles at night that does help with energy levels and it makes you feel good too- it might me worthwhile trying

[Zoe7]

@Former-Member I have definitely stayed up because I wanted to . Our conversations have been a real  joy over the last few weeks - at times you have really kept me going and looking forward to something. But over the last 2 nights I think we have really helped each other. Last night I could have easily fallen asleep early but I could sense that you were not quite yourself and I wanted to be here for you as you have been for me. I just really enjoy chatting with you -doesn't matter what about- you actually get me! As you say - you may not have walked in my shoes but I haven't walked in yours either - but we seem to be wearing the same brand LOL. I actually mean that seriously. I have been able to connect with you like no-one else in my life - I find that pretty amazing and that has just as much to do with our similarities and experiences as it has to do with the type of person YOU are. 

I think that everyone in their lives has been through some kind of pain.  I may have had to deal with a lot more than most but that does not diminish the impact pain and trauma (to whatever extent) others have been through and the effectsof it on them.  

I hope I can one day move forward -even a little.

One thing you have not done is put a downer on the night. You have actually lifted me up a bit. I am sorry you feel a lack of energy - but I get how easily that can happen. Do you think the situation with your friend yesterday has had a bigger impacton you than you may have realised? 

[Zoe7]

@Former-Member

I'll try the candles 

ps: what phone did you say you had - was it a galaxy6 - just checking some out on internet before tomorrow

[Former-Member]

@Zoe7 I thought you stayed up because you wanted to. It makes me happy that you are so comfortable with me and that I have been able to lift your spirits. And thank you for thinking of me last night but in future please look after you too.

I am not sure why I am so tired but its probably a combination of things and plus it has been so hot up here for quite a few days and it might have caught up with me. I don't think it had anything to do with my friend why I was so tired today.

I believe you can move forward and I think you already have, keep going.

Remember the things you once enjoyed and I mean things you were passionate about start doing those things again and most of those things would most likely come from childhood- start off slow and built from there.

Let me know if the candles make a difference. I think its time for bed- its 3am and I really should try to get some sleep. Thank you for our discussion tonight it has been great as always sis.

[Zoe7]

Anytime little sis  @Former-Member

and for the record - I wouldn't have missed our conversation last night - I was also feeling a little low (probably because I hadn't been out all day) and talking with you actually helped - and I was so over tired last night I wouldn't have slept any earlier anyway!!!! 

Get some sleep sis - tomorrow (today) is a new day and you have shopping and masters swimming to organise 

Talk soon (hopefully from my new phone!!!)

Luv ya sis 

[Zoe7]

Morning lil sis @Former-Member 

Just checking in this morning. Had 6 hours sleep - yea!!

I am going to be a bossy big sister for a minute 

Today you need to:

1. do the shopping

2. sign up to masters swimming

Hope you had a sleep and have a great day. Talk later.

your wonderful, amazing, motivating big sis