Thank you for your well-considered response, @SmilingGecko. I can assure you, I don't have any mental illness. Instead, I have my fate, and try as I might, I just can't change it. My ex-psy has seen to that and he is always on alert, intricately woven into my life, identity and life path. He could have changed it, but he just dug a bottomless pit for me and I didn't suspect a thing. No-one can be betrayed by everyone and come up smiling. It takes your soul and destroys your hope and trust. I hang on to life by the slenderest thread. 'They' just won't let me out while it benefits them to keep me here.
I remember when I first saw ex-psy, I said that I had a deep, subconscious memory of being suspended in a vacuum. I had thought it a pre-birth memory, but he said no. It was my subconscious recognition of what had been done to me. I had been singled out to 'take the rap' for all my relatives' sins. The loser of the tribe although I am not the only one. It seems that my relatives had an early understanding of scapegoatism...and I was it. It was an abusive path where I was ridiculed, tricked, belittled, stripped bare—where I was not allowed to have self-worth. They sure made a mess of me. And I am still suspended in that vacuum.
I see you've been through hell in the system too. I am truly sorry. I have been in contact with Alt2Su and it was very helpful on those several occasions to be able to speak my mind without sanction. I keep meaning to look into it again, but I don't know whether I truly forget or whether I just don't want to stay in such an environment. I want a good life so desperately.
I had an email from a cousin who grew up with me. We are 3 months apart in age and lived next to each other. People don't just reappear in our lives after decades without an ulterior motive in my world. It was hard growing up alongside her. Her parents, with hindsight, regarded me as a rival to her and they too were always trying to belittle me and my family, but when everyone does that to you, you believe that's how life is, how 'relationships' work. My parents didn't play that dirty game. They had tribal mindsets. But isn't that healthy? Proper? As it should be? Or am I/we naive? Is dog-eat-dog the only way? Never give anyone a chance to prosper, always be rude. Anyway, I know my cousin and I know she's heavily involved in the one-upmanship movement—some of the others leave her in the dust—and she'll want to know all of my business and one-up me. I'm such a target. It's intrinsic to their personalities. You take someone who has been robbed blind and constantly remind them of your imaginary superiority and successes. I'm not gullible these days and if there is any chance of a future relationship, it will have to be on my terms. And it would also be necessary to air grievances to clear the deck. If she could handle that, there might be hope. We're not friends. She makes me bristle when I think of the harm that was done to my birth family and their part in it. None would be contacting me if they were doing well, and wished me well. So, I'm left with a cousin I would like to like but who has such sharp edges on her personality that just associating with her is bruising. Perhaps they are coming to Melbourne and need free accommodation—again.
Sorry for the outburst, but I'm losing all hope in the intrinsic goodness of people at the moment.
I hope we get an astronomical break soon. It's our turn. I wouldn't swap my birth sign anyway. I like it.
