Good Morning!

[Patches59]

@Appleblossom  based on things I remember my mum saying, when she was alive, I’ve thought about doing FOI for records relating to my birth. Based on information on my birth cert I’m not sure if would find anything.  Even if had official paperwork that said I had twin that was deceased prior to birth I doubt would change anything.

My fears of abandonment goes back to when I was 9 to 13 years old, death of 4 different relatives, 3 of which I was very close to,. First of which was death by suicide.  As an adult I don’t let people get too close any more and am mainly a loner.  During last 50 years I’ve had 12 people who had big positive impacts on my life die, 10 of which were very special to me

[Appleblossom]

Thats a massive grief load @Patches59 I can understand why you feel abandonment from it. 

For me it was weird, but I had separate events.  FIrst the abandonment and then the first death was when I was 11, which was dad. I did not take it as another abandonment til much later, when I did the griefwork of figuring out what his presence and absence actually meant for me, beyond other people being mean and saying he was mad, which was no way to support me thru grief.  Naughty mum.  So their marriage was a bit like that newspaper article, with the pop keeping the letters from the kids, my mother made always said she was "beyond reproach" but that we were better off without my father.  Weirdly enough I never felt better off, cos it just meant more bloomin work for me.  I also was very frightened of having schizophrenia and tried hard to learn about it.  When I finally did get my ward file, it said both parents had the same diagnosis and my mother was outraged, but she did have a few hospitalisations.

I keep trying to find friends and groups where I can just be me and feel like I belong, but also being a loner has been safest.

[MDT]

I recall a girl in my class at primary school whose mum was mentally ill.

She would always act up at the school- every knew her as "Sarah's mum"

Sarah was a bit weird bit also quite immature.

Funnily enough after high school somehow we were reunited again. Sarah had grown up a lot. But her mum was still ill.

My point is that whenever get to chose our parents. But it doesn't mean they don't love us. And it doesn't we don't love them.

In the end mental illness just an illness. Nothing more.

[MDT]

Also when I went to hospital it was self initiated. My choice to be admitted. Was a good choice because I had SI.
Didn't tell many people. But family supported me. Remember feeling like I had let them down. But I didn't.

Where I am now is completely different

[Patches59]

@MDT  your words about not choosing our parents and love between children and parents struck a chord with me.  Due to medical issues I was born approx 10 years after my parents were married and was a much loved and wanted child.  I was Daddy’s girl and, for majority of the time, had a fairly happy pre teen child hood.  Even after finding out the cause in my dads behaviour, it took me a long time to find any positive feelings about my dad.  Day he died I was devastated, partly knowing this wonderful man who I had once loved had been taken from this world with the bond we had shared was broken forever.

@MDT @Appleblossom my dad had a stroke when I was approx 12 that over time changed him from very easy going to being verbally and physically violent.  About 7 or 8 years after the initial stroke a locum dr got my dad to self admit into local psych ward where scans, plus various other tests done, and my dad finally got treatment but damage done was irreversible.  I’m thankful I’ve got great fun memories of my dad prior to my teen years which I hang onto.  Memories from approx 12 yo to 20 yo I wish I don’t have

thanks to local gp who I have seen various times since Feb this year who listened and took me seriously I’m finally starting to get some help and was diagnosed with PTSD few months ago.  Having this site where can chat about lots of things with people with lived experience is so helpful

[Appleblossom]

@Patches59 

Having your father's personality change due to stroke is a very sad and a difficult thing to come to terms with as a child.  Another loss before his death.  Doubly painful. Sorry to hear of your experiences.

Good Morning ... (well its noon now)

@MDT @Former-Member @TAB @tyme and all reading along

This is sad and current.  We rely a lot on expertise ... I looked at ABA about 10 years ago but thought it was a bit Pavlov's dog style and we already knew about.  Yes the NDIS and NDIA do need to some regulatory teeth to prevent people taking advantage.  Ah ... regulation ... a gentler DBT modified approach may have yielded more humans treatment.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4MNM_0lnjOE

[MDT]

glad to hear that @Patche59

I think I am at the stage where I see parents as fellow humans - not so much "parent" as "mum and dad". guess what I'm saying is that I'm growing. I used to make a joke about how the school they sent me to wasn't good - but it's a truth masked in a joke. If I try to talk to them about it, well it gets met with a certain level of hostility. I think the parental love bond is so strong. My partner works in childcare and she found out that one of her kids there lost her baby sister. Its nothing short of harrowing. I even said to my partner that I hate it - I HATE that it happens. It's so unfair. So so unfair. But when you realise that life is by default unfair I guess one has a sense of relief that it wasn't personal. it's not like I did something wrong to lose a sibling, be sent somewhere I didn't want to go etc etc.

what I've also realised is that no one is immune to some type of traumatic experience. doesn't matter what it is - if it's traumatic then it's traumatic.

I am saddened to hear about your past my friend but happy you resonated with what I said.

[MDT]

Happy day off folks
Hope you're well

Grateful for where I am at in life. Struggling to let myself realise it if I'm honest

But I'm only human too

See you around

Hams

[Former-Member]

I'm grateful for where I am @MDT just keep being grateful moment by moment to let the good stuff in.

[TAB]

Good Morning @Former-Member @MDT @Appleblossom @Patches59 @hanami @Eve7 @oceangirl @Dimity @Oaktree @RGB @Kyle1 @Owlunar @NatureLover @Emelia8 @Clawde (saw you around this morning..)

Have a good day Everyone. very quiet day here. home again. Detoxing and recuperating. In peace. lol ..😎