Being triggered when people are rude to me since I have c-ptsd from being bullied

[Anny101]

• I can't stand when I get spoken to so rudely (subtle rudeness) when I kindly ask where things are or how much they cost. I don't ask in a rude way, I wanted to double check at counter and she was so rude when I asked how much it costs. I feel like I was treated like shit and I feel sorry for myself about the injustice, fair enough if I asked rudely first, but I didn't I'm just a bit slow but there's no reason to be unkind and rude to a customer who doesn't mean any harm it's not fair. She could have answerwd me without the backhanded rudeness I feel so sorry for myself not gonna lie. I am traumatised from being bullied years ago and get triggered when people are unkind to me it's not fair. It's not fair...she spoke to me like I was dumb and deserved to be scolded. I kindly wanted to double check how much something was at checkout and she condescending and subtle covert angrily looked me deep in the eye and said "well it says $2 on the box so it's $2". It was in a $2 box but I wanted to double check as sometimes something was placed wrong. Some people have the attitude of getting angry and annoyed when customers ask "dumb questions" but to be mean to a kind customer who is asking a "dumb question" who doesn't mean harm and just wanted to double check, it's really not fair. She did not greet me just started scanning and only looked up to look into my eyes and put me down "well it says blah blah". Just say "it's 2 it was actually in the dollar box" I guess I could have said "I know that, but I want to double check as sometimes things are missed place" my lack of social skills mean I fail to stick up for myself and it makes me feel traumatised from being bullied years ago.. feeling triggered and really upset..

This also stands for other situations people are unfairly mean to me not just retail obviously 🙂

[Former-Member]

Hey there @Anny101 🙂

I think its very understandable to feel triggered with this kind of confrontational approach to a curiosity about uncertainty - I can relate because I ask a lot of confirmation questions myself, because I have vision differences now, and a former brain injury, so I like to be sure what I am doing. 

Sometimes people can be really blunt, and view me from the perspective that I am just being lazy, or trying to annoy them, rather than just seeing a customer who may have invisible disabilities. 

I do very much relate to not knowing what to say when confronted with this kind of behaviour, and it really does tend to shake things for some hours afterwards.

Please know youre not alone xx 🙂

The way I got around this was to remember that if I go into a store, maybe not all the service staff have care at the forefront of their mind, and that they may be coming to work with some other things going on (maybe they are working while not feeling well or have had an argument with someone before coming to work). Regardless of what it may be, I then try to bring that extra perspective to my engagements with staff, which helps me notice the body language and demeanour of people, and then that sometimes informs me about who is best to ask questions of, and who best to not acknowledge. Not everyone takes heed of their customer service training at all times (which may be for a multitude of reasons, and everyone has a bad day here and there), so I try to take back some of the insight, control, and interactions by remembering that not everyone might be kind in that moment, and that helps me see that extra observational perspective which in turn helps me see who best to ask questions of, and who to just say a brief hi to 🙂 

I hope that helps in some way? xx

[BossBaby]

Thank you @Anny101 for speaking your mind with us. Those people are inviting you into a dynamic, an invitation you don't have to accept. I have spent the last almost 20 years learning/practicing how to not be intimidated by people and you will too. When I was 26 I was at an airport and it was after 911 so the screening process was super vigilant except I had my physiotherapy knee tape in my carry on and the screening officer asked if I needed the tape during the flight. Technically I didn't but it was special physio tape and I didn't know if I'd be able to find the same while overseas. I was too intimidated to say any of that or even show him the tape on my knee in case he wanted me to remove that too! So I just said no and he took it off me and then I had basically no physio tape for the whole trip - and there was a lot of walking. So from that point on I knew I needed to be less intimidated. That doesn't mean I necessarily confront people more, although there certainly has been a lot more of that. It was also about learning how to anticipate/avoid conflict, defuse tension with a lot of counselling and spiritual training and walking in a direction towards what is important and what I can control and letting go of trying to control what I can't. I just also want to offer some perspective of supermarket staff. Imagine you work at a supermarket and your name is Bruce and there's a product called Nutty Bruce almond milk and every day of every shift someone asks where Nutty Bruce is. After a while you're just in permanent defensive mode even when the questions are being innocently asked. This is an extreme scenario to illustrate how we all end up a bit more suspicious of each other and it's hard to mask this defensiveness amid so many intentional and unintentional collisions. It takes incredible discipline and practice and self care and something bigger to inspire your attention. I find a posture of basic trust and then when defense mode is activated to then do what you can to lift the conversation. Where this gets exhausting, find some reprieve where you can. You are going through life slowly and carefully and that does not need to change. I think you will find that eventually as you do speak up for yourself it will be in moments that you can anticipate and the result of clearly defined mental health boundaries and not in self-sabotaging ways. Good luck!

[Hope2Recovery]

Hello @Anny101,

Sorry to hear you are going through this, I am one of the Peer Guide volunteers, and I can relate to what you are saying. I know too well the frustration of dealing with rude people, why couldn't everyone be polite and treat each other nicely? In my experience I expected everyone to treat me nicely all the time but soon realised the world doesn't work that way, and we can't expect everyone to be happy and nice all the time, it would be nice.

The lesson I learnt from my therapist is,

1) Don't let external factors affect how you feel.

2) If we always expect everyone to treat us nicely, we will be disappointed. 

3) That rude person/people could be fighting their own battles, sometimes they don't even realise that they are being rude, so don't take it personal. 

From now on I hope your experience dealing with people will be a pleasant one, please don't be too hard on yourself, take some time to engage in your hobbies and things that bring you joy, don't hesitate to reach out, take care.