i really know what you are talking about @BlueBay - and I wish the same - I want my bad memories to go away - and I know they won't
My Father died in 2011 - I wish I could tell him that 2011 is a prime number and he was a mathematician and would have loved to know that. We were on good terms but I could only see him when my mother was there and I had to stop going to the place because of her cutting and cruel remarks.However as it turned out Dad was failing and had to go to hospital and in those few weeks I did see him alone a few times and we had that wonderful conversation everyone should get with those they love a lot - and he was gone
I had been afraid that this would not happen - but it did
I reallty do understand how it is with your mother - I refused to visit my mother after that - I did not like being snarled at and to this day I feel no regrets or guilt that I did not visit. However I wrote to her often - abd sent many cards - and always said I wanted to see her and if she wanted to see me to let someone know - and left my phone numbers - but there was no response
So I do get it - she has gone now - and whatever happened to her mind or in her mind was nothing at all to do with me - however - I have a terrible sorrow that will not diminish - and this is something I cannot change and would not if I could. Your mother is chosing the way she behaves toward you - and keeps you from your father - and this is a horriblty heart-breaking situation - one I know well because I have been there
And people - eg my psychologist - tell me I need to get past this - but no one is telling me how. It blocks my thinking - and although I understand your need for revenge - and I really do understand.this - I don't have those feeling myself. Maybe one reason is that I see my mother worked her way toward her own suffering - she could not see how successful my life has been - maybe she didn't want to - but she had to suffer the consequence and she did.
But - I don't know how to turn my own sorrow off - so I can't tell you how to do that. And I can understand that people - your psyche - really don't know either - and maybe he lost patience - or maybe what you said hit a nerve - who knows
How I wish there was some way I could take this from you. Your mother will die in time - and I had this thought that my mother would never know how I was - and for years I wrote my feelings in cards I never sent - and after she died I threw them away.
I would like to tell you how to stop letting your mother hurt you like this - she has no right - and you can't change her. But I would never say anthing trite to you -
But with your Dad - crash every fence - every gate - every wall - walk over your mother - and see your Dad. I was lucky - my mother was too good at driving me away - but he was in a different place when he got really frail -
Some of your anger is that you can't see your Dad - if you could see him - or just speak to him - I really think you would have less anger
That's enough for now - but I really do get it Sadgirl - I have been there
Decadian
