ever wonder why

[tonys]

@maddison    Oh Maddison ,   big men cry too...     It was almost as hard to read as it was for you to wright.   I hope everyone reads it and has a good think about what we loosely call society.    Why cant there be some one right there to just hold you tight and make it right.   If you could see my face ,...  well you would know that i think you....   are special.       People are put through trials to test those that are in a position to do something,  to step up,  give comfort and shelter.     For those that are close,   Know you,  have shared words,  the frame work of your community,.....   NOW IS THE TIME. ...   Your hour of greatest need.

I could say your letter came as a surprise,   but we both know thats  not true..   The fabric of your depth ,........    you have to cut your lips on chipped tea cups to to know the land of nothing.       That is why you are special to me mate.

Now.....   we both know im to damaged to offer all sorts of answers.   That is the realm of sane workers,     A  good advocate ,  and medical professionals....   

What i can do is tell you some things i did . and do to survive,   and i am one tough  S. O. B.

You see i never had friends,  or family either.    Most of us that live on the wrong side of sanity dont.       I  never ever live my life expecting my home to still be there at the end of a day.    I always buy a car that i can put a mattress in,   Its my last line of defence.  Old wagon , van, whatever.   Sounds  like over reach,   But at the end of the day ,  flood often follows rain.

If even the smallest whisper in my gut says run...     Then I   RUN..      Keys , wallet,   Phone...

I even sleep with them under my pillow.    Knocking on doors,    I just keep on being a serial pest till someone give me the right answer.     I  have rented out my cottage and have boarders

from time to time but sharing a home,....    Thats a book for another day.   

A PROBLEM.        I deal with problems straight away.   other wise you have to endure them for another day and then you will still have to deal with it.....  .....  Deal with it......   Put it behind you...  Get on with the next thing...             ICE..    the hand grenade of all addictions.

That would put me on a war footing.  Remember everything you have to carry you through this battle is inside you.......   maybe a suite case and some cat boxes well  ok.   When you go to war,

pack only what you need.      There are the   'lucky Australians'   Then there are us and I live life on a war footing everyday,      Its that thinking  that keeps me happy.   Use this to build your armour,      Always Know that even when you are alone,  you are not.   I'm there.

I'm Going to feed the pigs and chooks ,   and   ..... what is that trying to break my door down.

Oh No,   the goats got loose.   I WILL BE BACK LATTER TONIGHT.     tonys mb1

[maddison]

Thankyou for everything. Sorry I made you cry. I was bawling as I wrote it. Wanted to let you know, an hour or so after writing - the really bad trauma lifted. I think I really needed to get all of that out. Thankyou for reading. I'm so sorry I made you sad. I'm going to do colouring & drink my tea! now. I will reply properly later. Still sending you big hugs. THANK YOU @tonys 

[tonys]

@maddison   Ok Maddison ,   Well Im pretty relieved to hear you sounding a little better,    the dust is settling with your sunset,  .....  but i know a little bit about how your heart works, and how the world works.  I really worry when i see  smoke coming from your forest ...    Please may i ask you to do something.

Can you pretend   for a few days that things are not ok...    Make a list for a contingency plan, and work it like a job,   See and do every one and thing you have to,  so that the ejection seat handle is there if you need it.......    at a moments notice..

A little story.    When i bought my little farm ,  i inherited some selfish neighbours that thought it was ok to ride trail bikes along my boundary for hours on end.   Every so often i would get a poor offer for the place from one of the real estates in town.   They used to keep turning this place over and the people behind the bike noise would get a kick back from the agent.

What they didnt know is that a person would be happy to dig a big underground hole and be more than happy to live in it.. 

A person has to train there mind to live with less than nothing,    then they will happily live with nothing.       Most people a very spoilt in this country.   and that is how i beat them.    After 5 years of trail bikes paddock boms and parties ,,    they gave up...

I live here now,   have stuff,    shinny junk,   but the most happy times in my life was when i lived in the back of a camper,  on the road,    and nothing worth stealing.  I wish i had never stopped.         Everything has a lesson in it i feel.    Love on the spectrum,  on telly in a few minutes  ,  It puts warmth in my old bones,....    Maybe give it a go ,and im going to check in on you later tonight my friend.   

Big hands   made just to give you the biggest hug ever.

[maddison]

Try not worry about me @tonys I have been spending months organising my contingency plans. I'm already packed. I have all the numbers I need. I have my own case worker helping me with housing etc. Watching love. I really like this girl who talks lots. 

[maddison]

I think you are right & thanks for the good advice. I need to call my people tomorrow & update them on severity of situation. 

[Appleblossom]

@maddison @tonys hope you do not mind me butting in.

Just had to say I felt deeply touched by your sharing and poetry.

Also worried about you maddison but glad you have people to help you.  There are times to forgive and times to move on as @tonys suggested.  Your friend has to figure out his life and if he cannot, YOU do not need to go down the gurgler maddison.  I have often had to stand between various people on Substance abuse issues, I do not like to be judgy, its hard, but enough is enough bella.  

[tonys]

@maddison   I am glad you are attentive to all the warning lights flashing on the panel.                               I may sound like i know what i am doing but its only because i have time to think because I'm typing.  I know only a little about relationships.

You are in the drivers seat,    all i can say is ,  better to err on the side of caution.   You can always go back,  but you cant always get away...      If it looks like a duck,.. and flies like a duck.......

I forgot to say the most important thing in my last letter...    Stop saying sorry...  If you don't tell me,   then i will be upset.    We are mates.     We eat from the same lunch box and share... All  our lollies .............. OK.

I  have always been emotional ,    Dam   i was even mopping my eyes watching  "love on the spectrum"   .  Are they not just the best.   Close to home that show,  is it not.  If not for my book keeper making all the arrangements and being so  thoughtful i would never have known.

Now I  have got ...   all sorts of people ,.......  wanting me,  to go see...... all sorts of people.

There are some good people around.   

The goats think the rubber on the fly screens  is spaghetti.    One more job.    The place looks pretty good.      I'm i might start another underground room tomorrow.   The less I'm in this house,     The longer it will stay up right,        They have done such a good job while i was away,  I'm  feeling a bit redundant here...........   It feels...    wonderful..

You keep both eyes open and at the slightest bump.....   i want to know.

I will pop the door later and make sure you are safe and asleep...   tonys moonbase 1  

,

[tonys]

@Appleblossom   Now why couldnt i just have said that,    See.....   You knew i was a bit out of my depth.    Like a good mum you sort things quick.

Thankyou so much Apple blossom ,  You sleep well too.

tonys moonbase 1

[maddison]

You are the sweetest @tonys I understand it takes time to process your thoughts & writing on the computer helps you to do that. I am a little bit the same. Also the advantage of reading back & deleting, rearranging so one can say what they actually mean. Can't do that in real life!

I can be articulate. Not anywhere near Taya on spectrum. Lots of times my words are stumbley. The worst is when the other person gets inpatient & talks over the top of me. I can make eye contact. It is much easier for me to focus if I don't. If I feel uncomfortable - eye contact is zero.

I haven't had the chance to be properly assessed. My psych only told me I have it & ADHD. I tried doing the medical tests online & I scored at the very top of Lvl 1. 

It's difficult for me to know how much of my difficulties are because of autism or autism + lack of opportunity.

I think you are the smartest person I know... Maybe there are times you don't quite know how to say the right thing (umm hello) I am fine with anything you say. It's like you said before - laying it all on me, connecting - that's all I want. No pressure. We both know who the other is, I think?

You are fortunate to have a book keeper that cares so much about you. You deserve lots of love & care.

Thanks for saying that you want me to keep telling you things. I did feel guilty this afternoon - I think it's only natural (for us!) to worry about how our boxes affect others. Agreed - all lollies.

I'm keeping my vision that I saw for a special time. Hope that's ok.

Now - I never got to to tell you how amazing your poem was. It's my 2nd favourite - trains can't be beaten - ever. I couldn't properly absorb it this morning because I was so heavy. It still reached me. That's how powerful you are to me.

You are a dream.

Looking forward to my night words.

If you forget, or fall asleep that is ok too.

I like this goat.

[Appleblossom]

ah @tonys Do not underestimate the power of your words just as they are @maddison is trying to tell you that too.

I often worry I am too brief veering towards blunt or abrupt, so I like both of your longer writing styles.