Moving forward

[TAB]

Hi @utopia ..I was a bit muxed ip soz lol

[utopia]

Hi @Former-Member. I was feeling down for last 2 weeks. What I call flat or restless. When I know something is not right, but I cannot name it. I expected this with my change of meds and starting a new therapy CBT - that I still can't get my head around.
But I was invited out to dinner by my bf tonight. I'd just woken from a nap and I'm thinking "it's too hard. I'll have to get changed. What if I get anxious". But then I thought - I don't want to cook dinner just for myself and it's been ages since I went anywhere with my bf.
So I got dressed. Drove to the good pub in town & had a great night. Reminisced about what we got up to as teenagers. Had such a laugh. I'm so glad I made the effort to say yes, when I would normally say no.
I'm proud of myself and we are planning another night out (without our kids) for next month.
Feeling positive.

[Former-Member]

Hi @utopia, 

Im really pleased you had a great night out which picked up your spirits. Good on you💜😊 Hopefully your change of Meds will settle soon and CBT will make more sense. Don't forget you have plenty of time to work through it. 

I'm not sure if you know the significance of Monday but it's when I'm supposed to give up my security blanket (my stash that I use to SH or worse) and make the choice to live as everyone involved in my care says I've been sitting on the fence too long and that therapy won't have a chance if I don't commit to living. I'm petrified of giving them up but know to move forward and for my therapist to feel safe working with me I have to commit to this as well. She has committed to working with me as her charity case until the end of the year and longer if necessary and I guess her faith in me has helped me come to this point. I hate being a charity case but can't bite my nose off to spite my face for my kids sake and I know how can't make it without assistance so I have finally come to accept her help. 

What do you think helped you the most to move forward? 

[Former-Member]

Thanks @TAB too😊💜

[TAB]

myeh nah no chippies for brekkie for me today thanks ..pass .. lol @Former-Member

[utopia]

@Former-Member. Not a charity case - a special case - because you are worth it. Sounds like she knows that you will really put in the effort and that you have a great chance of recovery. Focus on that. She believes in you. WOW. It's amazing how healing that can be - having someone believe in you (ignore any negative self talk - just keep remembering her faith in you).
I didn't realise how hard it has been for you. I may have read it - but short term memory is still an issue for me.
I'm bloody impressed that you are giving this a shot. It's a huge step but one I'm certain willbe a great ssuccess. Have your Comfort Box ready at home. It will help with any anxiety.
I think the point that I finally got all the 'guru talk' of "just move on. Let the feelings come & accept them. Let any thoughts just drift by" - which were just phrases that I couldn't do. Didn't know how to do.
I was in a group therapy session when I was in the hospital & thhe therapist was talking about our negative self talk & it just snapped. Felt like I finally got it. At the time the loudest negative self talk was all about parenting guilt. What a terrible mother I was. How I was neglecting my son etc. But normally thought with worse words - you understand that. I turned to the therapist and said "I wouldn't let anyone talk to my son or my best friend the way I talk to myself. So why am I allowing myself to say these hateful things to me".
I went to my room and decided to write a list of what type of mum I really am. The good mum. On one side of a sheet of paper I wrote down about 5 or 6 of my negative self talk comments. Now to the positive side. I couldn't think of any. Not a single one.Shit. What to do. I didn't want to not complete this task. I new how important it was. So I thought - maybe I'll write some phrases that others have said to me. But who. I thought about my mum. Then realised her positive comments always had a BUT attached to every sentence ("you're a good mum but you need to .....). Then I thought of my best friend of 38 years. Her comments were always good. I started writing them down - "you make sure your son gets to do his sporting and music activities that he loves, regardless of money, you always find a way". "You try to keep him in regular contact with his dad". "You go to every game & performance he's in". "You tell him every night at bedtime that you love him" etc etc. I wrote over a page of these positive comments. Then every single time I heard that negative parenting voice - I would read through my entire good list. Sometimes I would read if 10 plus times a day. In less than 5 days that negative parenting guilt voice was gone.
That's when I was able to move on & work on my depression and anxiety and my 'issues'. It had been blocking me from getting to my core issues. But no longer.
This is what I hope will hapoen with you when you see your psychologist next. By removing your SH tools - you will be able to get down to the nitty gritty of your 'issues' & start healing.
And because you will be successful with removing these SH items - it will literally give you the confidence and knowledge to know that you can do the next step of your therapy.
It won't always be a smoith journey. Parenting guilt reared it's head on Friday, but I was abld to shut it down quickly.
One step at a time. Have diversions in place ready for when you get anxious or restless - craft, art, puzzles etc - your comfort box.
But just like your psychologist, I believe you can do this!!!!!
P.S. I can talk under water. lollipops

[utopia]

That was meant to say lol not lollipops.

[TAB]

is that like an underwater 'lol' re lollipops @utopia lol

[Former-Member]

It's done, handed in to my therapist who sat there with a huge grin on her face @Former-Member, @Faith-and-Hope, @Former-Member, @Former-Member, @TAB, @Decadian, @Appleblossom @Former-Member, @Former-Member, @Mazarita, @eth and anyone who has been supporting me. The plan is when I'm passed all my SI and SH mentally my therapist and I will dispose of them in a ceremony, for now they are locked away in her premises. I dont feel relief yet just still strangely fear but I suppose I'll get used to it. I didn't find it all but most, forgotten where I'd hid some of it in the new place.

I'm hoping that this is the beginning of moving forward. I'd like to write watch this space but I'm actually still very chicken and insecure about what comes next. Whatever it is as long as I'm no longer stuck it has to be better than where I am now.

[Former-Member]

Hi @utopia. I had this in the last message and then moved it but then forgot to tag you. Please read above message too.
Thanks @utopia for your support and response about how you got through. I think I have decades of unlearning to do and new learning to replace it.