Living with Ourselves

[maddison]

You know @tonys after I posted it, I thought of you - & me too.

[tonys]

@Sophia1    O  K,   thats realy cool ..   I have just spotted your periscope,   so you are still at the wheel.    Down periscope.........  make depth 200 mtrs,    and no need to surface again till you feel like master and commander.........   Silent running.    .... Over and out..... tonys ..moon base one 

[tonys]

HEY  @maddison .   Thanks mate.     I went to buy a colouring book with the rattlings in my busking tin.....  ......    Then i had an inspiration guided by an alignment of the stars.....     There was a ripper clearance sale on hair colour,   (shops here are incredible}...    By my calculations ive got just enough to do the goats and one of the calves in rainbow colours when i get back for Christmas.   That will get the valley talking.  better get to bed now,  im a bit too excited about the whole plan.  Crystal karts of caramel tarts.   Tonys at moon base one     

[tonys]

@OH ! i just saw the pics of those sharks...       DID YOU DO THAT.!    you are very clever.  Its nice just to be big kids hey...      I have also learnt that a lot of pictures dont come through to my home page.    I have to log into sane to see all the pictures properly .....   Im still learning to ride this beast...     Ill busk again tomorrow,  not get side tracked ,   and come home with a colouring book this time.  Always look forward to your pics and posts ,       we'll   change the worlds looks,   in our colouring books,............ Tonys moon base bed time

[maddison]

HEY @tonys you sound so happy! It makes me happy. Wanted to let you know I'm getting all your letters. I wanted to reply properly... It's been difficult. The creativity & fun& love you put in your words... Well, it makes me feel like I don't need Christmas presents.

Thanks for letting me know that you don't see the pictures - I will add a note, to let you know.

I can't write as much as I would like... But I keep your letters & re-read them. You know how the letters come through your email? I have a tonys folder (sort of) where I can keep the words that are meaningful to me.

I'm glad you let me know that your went past my house on the train. I was thinking 'why is the light so bright in that carriage?'💛

I know you have an enlarged heart. I'm really hoping it not serious & those very smart doctors will use magic heart healing powers for you.

Ok. I'm posting a picture. This a chicken in Kenya. The farmers decided to colour the chicken purple. They use organic food dye. It keeps the chickens safe from being hunted by predators. The hawks get confused & ignore the chickens.

Haha... Colour wins 🌈

Thankyou for my Daisy chain. I'm still wearing it now, like a crown.

May child tonys, & grown up tonys have more fun each moment.

Photo of chicken here.

 

[maddison]

@tonys I used to dye my hair lots. Pink, purple, blue, green. - not altogether! 

A year ago I decided I will leave it natural now, before time takes it away from me. My natural colour is unique! 

Not typically red, nor blonde, nor brunette. It's funny not fitting into any category.

You might have inspired me to change it again. I'm tempted😬

I would maybe choose a purple red pink that looks different in lighting. I will look thru my hair supplies box & see what I have. 

Wish I could watch you busk. We have local buskers here. So many people walk past like they don't notice. Maybe it's my imagination but I swear they play louder when I walk past! I love them. Even the not so good ones. To stand on the street like that, & unveil your art to the world (offering a true service for a financial donation) there is a realness & vulnerability in buskers & I think they know lots - like they have a secret.

I'll give the next one I see , my gold (you probably all know each other, right?)

[maddison]

Hi @Sophia1 

I have only caught up on your post now. I am so sorry for what is going on for you. Similarly, I have had to take a step away over the last week or so & will likely have to in the future too - not because I want to.

The chaos in my life at the moment is at extreme levels.

When I read your letter, I could have written it myself. I am right there with you. 

Did I understand it correctly that you have a twin - who is treating you badly? This hurt my heart. The confusion & disbelief - that is what I am experiencing.

I could try to tell you lots of positive things. I can't. I'm scared. I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed. I am only existing one moment at a time. Right now, this moment I can write these words to you. Later, tomorrow I can't say.

I heard & felt every word you wrote. I think tonys response & warmth was so beautiful. I don't care what the diagnostics are - he is the smartest man I know!

. I'm not smart enough to fix you, but there are some really smart people around.. they have already paved the roads we travel... so i don't sweat the small stuff. i just pester them for answers. and stick to the basics. Just don't try too fix it all yourself 

I think he is clever for recognising that we are the same (you& me) - now I don't know if that means we are good for each other!! Or the opposite!! I don't consider myself deep - I'm only me. Although, tonys is certainly not the first person to say that about me. So, I'm not sure what happens when 2 deepys like you & me get together! We might create a new universe? (Or a black hole🕳️)Who knows?

That quote above, from tonys, stood out to me. It is true I think? We can't be the first people in the history of  existence to feel so .... Betrayed... Bereft? Can we? 

I wanted to also acknowledge your strength and courage in laying it all out like you did. I have done it on the phone to counselors, I couldn't write it like you did here. Maybe we have places that feel more safe than others. I think what you wrote was unbelievably brave & I support you. Like.....I REALLY support you❤️

I don't mean to cross any personally boundaries, because we have hardly spoken - I only wanted to say I am sorry for the loss of your mum. I thought the way you explained where you are at with processing the loss was really insightful & intelligent.

If you are like me - you probably don't realise the clarity you are actually projecting.

I felt like I understood everything in your letter - despite your intro as 'this might not make sense.'

I think what happens to me, is that the thoughts become so entangled & too many, that I genuinely lose grip on my surroundings. All the information comes too fast. The best, or only way I know to make sense of it,  is to express it - one way or another. I think maybe that is what you were doing. To us, it feels like we are not making sense, our brains feel jumbled - & then when a mean, or narcissistic person takes advantage of that state & lies to us, or manipulates us - then we become more confused. Eventually, it feels like the messages in the brain are so scrambled - there is nothing left to do. And we are paralysed.

I don't know what it all means - but your letter made perfect sense. I can't make any sense of my life right now - & it terrifies me. I understand what you wrote.

[maddison]

@Sophia1 @tonys is this the song you have been busking @tonys ?

https://youtu.be/6XUeB3eO9qU

What an awesome song. So good. Love it.

[tonys]

@maddison  yes and true to my word i thought of you when sang it to the streets.  My hands are too big feel those strings like he does, Big octave jump slices through your soul like a sword, and i give it my all with every breath. .... i only busk a couple of weeks a year,  Helps bring back to life the friends i lost on these streets when i was young...     Back then it fed us.    now,.....  well i tipped my coins into some other dudes hat today,   and remembered a time when i had his look in my eyes.    Thankyou maddison,     I know you did more than play that song.    You really felt the place it comes from..          How are you,    ?     well i hope..      I skipped a couple of days and when i logged in,  Oh  boy !  . the mail box was full.     Fell asleep last night listening to ,  Best of birdie 2021 album on U tube and flattened my battery.  I luv em...   As you can see i love walking the streets at night an get in late.   Type and crash.  You've past me many times on the street maddison.....   always a whisper away from the same dimension, or time phase.  We see each other in the eyes of of all the others who hunger for more than just what we are told....    there will always be those who are the vessels of our message......   find each other,   .....    love each other ...... and  cherish all the gifts of this life......tonys     moonbase one    

[tonys]

@maddison   Wont keep you up.   How are you my friend.   A very special piece of your self went in you're letter to sophia....      What moves me is that you have your back to the wall   and yet you are still  are in her corner to help........    Special stuff...And thankyou for your kind words  about me.   All the kindness pools together,  thats how new stars are born.     You have to colour your hair now ,    Its part of a sequence of events,    all culminating in a major realignment of your universe....   a door will appear and ......   well ,   chance it.....   change comes when you least expect it.....     Going to send a long email to someone called word man who sent me a kite.   I dont know him and the more i wrote it,  ....   the more i realized that only you,   Maddison  sophia and me will see the reverse side of the mirror its written on,  so i do hope its ok that i send it to you too.    Even when your head is back together i will still worry about you mate.   so do take care.    dragon flies,  with pink bow ties ,  do curls and swirls and paint the skys......     tonys moon base one