Living with Ourselves

[tonys]

@Appleblossom     hey there ,  and thankyou.     Coming from any one thats a very nice compliment.   From you....    Its really big,    I think you know the streets,  the places,  and institutions that shaped me,      Carrying the weight,    .....     another  day.

Any way I really hope you are enjoying the day,   and the seasons are kind to your gardens.

Tractor is giving me a impatient look.

                                                           Very best wishes..........    tonys    MB1 

[maddison]

Thankyou @Appleblossom love you. Don't know if I deserved the comfort you gave me. God I feel horrible if I have hurt tonys in any way or SANE. I am hiding away today. In hindsight I can see what was going on with me. I am so sorry everyone, anyone I put on uneasy ground. Computer conversation is new to me. I appreciate you all so much. Why did I have to go overboard!!

@tonys please don't reply - I feel like I've opened a can I wasn't meant to. I only wanted to say that as a community guide - I absolute do not have access to ANYONE'S personal information. I am a volunteer. A regular member like anyone else. The peer support workers have access to our email address (at least as far as I'm aware) that is why I'm not a PSW - my behaviour is totally unprofessional. I have lots to learn!! I have a PSW who I keep in contact with on a monthly basis. We don't know each other's real life names. I started my role as CG at the beginning of last year. Before that - I didn't really have any experience with online forums. It was an amazing opportunity that landed in my lap & I am so grateful for it. As, CG we are given access to online training modules. I am about half way thru. It got quite difficult. I want to get back into my study, after taking a break. Our role as 'Community Guide' is to support the community (I really didn't do that for you did I - I'm so sorry) this can be things like welcoming new members, guiding members to topics etc. The peer support workers do all the big things (training & get paid) & CG is volunteer, 2 hours per week minimum. There are PSP 's here who started out as CG's & loved it. I hope that possibly gives a tiny bit of clarity.

Thankyou @Sophia1 for supporting tonys. I am sorry to you too for any upset I have caused.

[Appleblossom]

No worries mate @tonys 

In some bizarre ways I have been lucky and lived a very RICH LIFE.  

[Appleblossom]

Dear @maddison There was no need to apologise to me.  I have felt similarly within myself when particularly vulnerable and raw in my own crises.  Never sure when people were being real or teasing me and sometimes taking things said in a general manner as if they were personal. Some of the time people were having a dig, or simply not aware of their own fixed attitudes. Mostly I never discussed it at the time, but further withdrew, which can be a good strategy sometimes but causes a lot of isolation. Then a lot of things do not get sorted out or cleared up in the back and forth and tumble of life. 

I was a CG for a year when they first started it without the trainings.  I have done various trainings over my life, but felt it was more important for me to stick to my own full authenticity than adopt any narrow "support" role. I was glad that I could "become" an Elder rather than totally withdraw, it was good middle ground for me.  I felt that Sane were breaking new ground itself and that there is no fixed way of being on the forum. as it is about being human and sharing some deep stuff, which leaves us wide open and tender.  The whole field of gender and sexuality is going through so much turmoil at the moment.  No easy answers, but I believe and hope it is worthwhile being brave and real and working through it all.  Even CGs are allowed to be human.  About 15 years ago I realised in some ways I was a perfectionist, but that making mistakes and being able to recover with an admission and an 'oooops' was helpful in my work.

Love Apple

[Sophia1]

Hello again @tonys 

I was going to give you some space for a while as all of this is quite draining for you.

I wanted to respond to a couple of your thoughts that you shared with me.

You need not explain your absences although I realise that I do the same.

You are probably on the computer more than me.

I need to have time away as a form of looking after myself.

Real life comes with it's own struggles as you are only too familiar.

Also you mentioned that you did not know what you were joining when you signed up.

A bit like enlisting in the forces laugh.

The trials and tribulations.

It is a very overwhelming experience and when I joined the site was half the size and nowhere near the number of threads.

These days people start a new thread when a new thought pops into their head.

It is a maze.

So do not feel that confusion is you.

I still struggle remembering where I have left a reply or where a certain person writes most of their thoughts.

Especially when they have several threads.

You are doing extremely well and I seriously believe that you do not need to continue to mention your autism as a reason for whys.

Having said that if you want to mention your autism as an advocate that is a totally different scenario.

You have every right to feel proud of who you are as a whole person.

You have also handled this matter very well and that is to your credit.

So please feel proud of how much you have achieved.

Please keep on being you.

I have taught both of my sons to be:

true to themselves

follow their values

do not lower their standards to the level of another; instead hold their head high and know when to let go

This I follow myself.

A big hello to all of your farm friends; workers and animals alike.

Take care of Tonys

yes stability and trust are paramount in friendship

Sophia1

your friend

[Sophia1]

Hello @Appleblossom 

Apologies in not getting back to you sooner.

It has been a busy day in real life without replying to a few people.

I truly did not expect a reply from you and that is why I hastily tried to word it as I know that you would understand.

Yes the silent approach worked well.

Yes you did what I needed.

There has been more drama today and I have not even rang the hospital.

So I am about to head off of here.

Good news about your acquaintance returning after seven years and a new friendship forming.

I know that you are heading away at some time this month. Not sure when. If I miss the post please know that I wish for you to have the best time. You deserve this.

Love you Bella.

A long time since I have used that.

Sophia 1

yes your friend always

[maddison]

@Appleblossom I value you. I could not have expected that you would connect with & support me in the way you do. You have a really beautiful Mum quality, I'm seeing clearly for the very first time in this message. 

I loved everything you wrote. I really loved how you mentioned that this deep sharing we do on here, no matter how stable & strong we might think we are - it does leave me feeling raw & vulnerable. You know the thread I started yesterday - I am exposed, paranoia creeps in, defences rise. We all need to start being a little more gentle with ourselves. ... Am I saying enough?.... Did I say too much?... It's really hard.

You & so so many others, are real cornerstones to the online community as we evolve. Especially you I think. To have your backing when I'm contemplating my vulnerabilities is unexpected, & I'm not sure I've really experienced a lot of. You mention that you love my posts & I have helped you.... It's Adagio for strings to my soul... Now I know I've said too much again. I'm so grateful for your wisdom & for acknowledging me & my flaws.

[maddison]

P.S I hope you know I meant my message in a real way - your message really touched me. I'm not ready to fully trust yet & can come off jokey or defensive❤️ I need @@Appleblossom @o marinate

[Appleblossom]

@maddison 

Me too,  I can be a bit jokey and defensive, and unsure how much to share.  

I have been triggered by similar thoughts in the past.  These days I am slightly more at ease about all that stuff. I felt your current circs and sharing on different threads meant you were pretty raw and brave.  

Adagio and strings is right for many moments too. lol

I do feel a bit motherly about the people on the forum (long term people and newcomers) and the whole concept of the SANE community. I have plenty of flaws dont worry ... but I wont list them all ... lol

[maddison]

You & me @Appleblossom confident & raw.

Adagio for strings is where I live.

Maybe one day you will share other places you think might appeal to me.

I honestly don't know what to say. I feel humbled & thankful.