Living with Ourselves

[maddison]

Hi @tonys thankyou for your reply. I always enjoy our communication & to me your words are interesting. 

I have had a big morning. I think it was productive. I'm feeling drained & spacey. I will recover in an hour. I thought I would mention - to give you background on the tone of this letter.

I have read you recent reply. Thankyou so much!! I loved it!! You have a profound way of giving people what they need at the right time I think.... You didn't know I had big things on this morning - & when I read your kind words 'that too many people love me, for me to fail'... Well...it was a wonderful gift you gave me❤️ thankyou. 

So as you don't worry too much - today's event was centred on providing more support for myself. I guess, in a sense - the paradox of asking for help & support, relies on uncovering the origins.

So when you wrote that, you see me in deep seas...I saw a picture of myself touching the bed of the ocean floor.

Support & help =good 

And reading your letter now...I feel worthy.

I will reply again.

This is a quickie thankyou & connect.

💚

Yep I did the deep breathing.

[maddison]

Hi @tonys me again. Stopping by quickly to show you this 👇

Look what arrived in the mail today....

  

I thought it was - not surprising!

We are having a nautical themed day.

It's a colouring book for adults - questioning if I qualify. 

About to watch tv & veg out for the rest of the night.

Please say hi to Sophia, maddison, crystal, swamp thing, rabbit& cat, horse & all your other cool friends at mb1.

Thankyou, again for the amazing letter you wrote me. I have lost count how many times I read it❤️ you have so much love& kindness in you. As you say - it's a keeper.

Brain off - tv on.

Enjoy your night... Till next time..

[tonys]

@maddison Hello maddison..    Makes me happy knowing my words found you and helped a little bit.  A warm soft blanket that envelopes and comforts you.   It fixes something broken in me,  when i can feel like ive been part of your sunrise.         MMMMM,   i want to open that book and  play,   I love colouring books and big fat pencils and crayons.  I hope that you are winning your battle with the system.   Theres power in numbers,    Dont try to do it on your own..   Back in the big smoke.    Have to see the heart mechanic.  Mines a bit enlarged...   Wonder if he can swap mine out for a lawn mower engine or a pigs bladder.... Sew my head onto a donkeys body... ..I have a much longer christmass story letter,  but given your struggles i filed it back in the dark room.   All things at the right time i say....   So ....... please keep me posted your battles,  when time permits and take comfort in the knowledge that you are in the thoughts and prayers of me, the animals,  even the bookkeeper says hello...  wild honey from wild flowers ,,,tonys moon base one

[Sophia1]

Thank you for your reply @Appleblossom 

I sense more of a formality or perhaps that is not the case at all and a mirror of my current state of mind.

"Medically more compromised." I am not quite sure what you mean by this.

Perhaps you are referring to my operations and rehabilitation?

No matter.

Rehabilitation has been interrupted anyway.

[Sophia1]

This will probably not make sense.

Here goes.

Regardless.

Life seems to keep on throwing up at me.

I imagine many on here feel that way.

I have been away having time out and also taking myself away physically for time out for me for the very first time in my life.

This is the first time I have ever been away on my own for time out.

I have been overseas on my own prior to this to travel and catch up with family.

A mixed array of unexpected behaviours from a person I least expected to behave in such a way occurred on my trip to my destination. A person; I met through carers; yes another carer; turned out to have narcisstic traits also. Yet another.

They must be lining up to meet me.

An awakening of new emotions arising whilst I was away.

An overwhelming sense of what and how to deal with new emotions on returning home.

A huge effort to control enacting out such emotions on my undeserving husband on returning home.

How is putting myself first for the very first time in my life such a big effort for me and now such a nightmare that I am left trying to not only contend with but manage without upsetting anyone? Through no fault of anyone else. Only myself dealing with my life throw up.

Throw up impending Christmas; still coming to terms with not even being sure that I am aware that my mother passed away in September let alone begin starting to feel!

Finally not responding to twin who yes I have been told definitely has narcissistic traits.

Why could I not have been told this a zillion years ago; life might have been a tad easier to deal with? Learning about myself? Trying to help my son whilst he escaped from and landed back in a broken system on and off over the years to leave him living life in fear now.

How can I grieve when I have a backload of grief to still accept; acknowledge; confront??

I am not handling the concept of the word "anger" let alone the immense feeling of such an outrageous emotion that is so foreign to me.

I was taught to count to ten.

I have only ever felt that I was mad at something or someone despite all of the horrible treatment received from others.

I am reeling in just being present at the moment.

I no longer feel that I even belong here.

There are several members with whom I have connected and feel a strong sense of caring for.

I feel guilty for not being here for them and if I leave that they will feel that my words have been insincere.

I am at this moment, totally lost within the real world and this one.

I feel that I have reached out to so many on here.

Some of you I have upset over my time.

Some of you have responded with overwhelming kindness and thanks and for this I will be eternally grateful.

Yet now I feel so alone with all of this.

I do not know what else I can write.

I am sorry for those of you whom I have been close with if I have missed your latest posts.

It is as a result of being away.

I do not receive notifications on my phone. I only receive them on my desktop computer which of course I have to log onto and be at home to do so.

I cannot any longer give so much to so many.

I am out of steam.

I am so very bereft

I am lost

Please forgive me those who read and care.

I am going

Goodbye Sophia1

[tonys]

@Sophia1   Hey mate..... early morn ,  just got in and bit bent outta shape ,  but first thing to say is short version today,.... and my best effort tomorrow when my i can find my jaw...... it dropped of when i read your letter..... Theres a lot to unpack here.............  O K...  First you and i are mates,    You never have and never will offend me...  Im a bit lower functioning than you so im a bit nervous of what i say , given your very fragile condition,  but im very worried about you so i just have to say something.     My rule with family is,.... if they are not the kind of people you would choose to be friends with in the normal coarse of your life, then if they keep taking more than they are giving.   Then you have to ask your self the tough question .  Is blood really thicker than water...?         You just cant be all things to all people......    There will be nothing left for you...      Its ok to be selfish and..... well.... step in peoples porridge when youre not well mate....    Your real friends will get it and get over it.   Because you are high functioning on the spectrum you will over think things and react,......   You remind be a little of maddison..      Intricate,   complex.    deep....   People love you mate,   Just gotta remember they get lost in this crazy world too....Please please  before you go of with the fairies,   thinking too deep,  tomorrow talk to @Appleblossom   And   @  nature lover...   the wiring in their heads is more reliable than mine..   then ill send another kite down there.   If people are looking for perfection in people,   well they are never going to find it...    Just go with love.....   So it would make my day if you would do one thing for me.   Find a view looking out to see tomorrow,...... let you hair out and let the wind and ocean flow through it.,,,,  Think back to the sophia that shared all those beautiful thoughts about the richness and colour in the world,   and yust have a you day.   think only of the goodness in you.... Im up typing at 2 am with a hang over so im telling you mate,  you must be top of the pile of people i admire cause i dont do that for just any one.  part 2 of letter in a bit just let me take a drag. tonys moon base 1    

[tonys]

@Sophia1 part to of last letter  o k ...im back ... a sip,    a smoke ,   and the loo ,,,   now where was i.   Yes ,, tomorrow and you,  and the people who don't suck energy from you.   The man you with, so blessed are you to have that.   ,  just think about that for a minut.   A 3rd of people live alone .   They are lonely...    And then theres all the other beautiful things that are just waiting for you to touch smell and see...   There is so much beauty, it overwhelms me.  just go back and look at those letters you sent me.  I know you see it too.   Like many people on this site,   you have your' eyes down days '.... I'm not smart enough to fix you,   but there are some really smart people around..   they have already paved the roads we travel...  so i don't sweat the small stuff.   i just pester them for answers.  and stick to the basics.   Just don't try too fix it all yourself..   Take a break from thinking..    I have no shame .  i let them sort my undies drawer,      Now i did have another post i did about a week ago ,  a big one...   ,  but  in light of  your woes,  i'm really really glad i didnt send it.    I think ive said this before , but people are inherently selfish,....   western society has created that .    I have been much happier since i  lowered my expectations regards people..    You      ... and Maddisson are both very deep which is a great thing until it overwhelms you.  Get out of the deep end for a bit,   be a bit selfish,    and only get back in again when you are right as rain....    I  finally learned to play Collin Hayes, over cill,  song,..... When i busk tomorrow i'm going to think of you when i play that piece of art...   Thinking of you always  my friend Sophia,... tonys moonbase one .  hope this rocket gets of the pad ,, im getting a top heavy warning light from sane

[tonys]

@Sophia1   forgot to say,  please let some one on sane know your ok tomorrow.  hopefully me ,  but some one because, if you havnt tripped some circuit breakers there,  i'd be astonished..  also i had to swap the K   for a C in that Colin Heyse song, sane grounded my rocket till i fixed that... no no... word up.   think you get it.    and sophia my calf i named after you sends her love too.   so remember ,  you are god mother to my calf now .....    hope all three kites land at your door in the morn.....   tony moon base one

[Emelia8]

@Sophia1 👂👀 🌷🌻💔🌟💖

[Appleblossom]

oooh @Sophia1 

I was so sad to read your general post about what is going on for you. You express yourself so well, but it is also utterly heart breaking.  

As an older woman I have been thinking of "me at last" as finally reaching a place where I had the time to focus on myself.  So I can relate and feel you deserved to treat yourself and sad you were not treated well by others.

I really value your story as a mother. How you opened up your heart and home and the difficulties faced by your boy.  I will never forget you both.

I was very happy to see your name pop up in the notifications. I am sorry if my formality put you off.  It is not meant to distance or mean anything, but mainly part of the way I was treated as the positive aspect of being a ward of the state (apart from the bullies, rejections and abuse) and by my mother who was preoccupied and distant and struggling with English so very formal. Then I treat myself that way. Then being told off for going around the point and not wanting to ramble, so I self censor and may seem abrupt.  Apologies if that upset you.  I have valued the opportunity to get to know you and relate about female mother things and learn to soften a little in my old age where basic life issues are less tenuous and chaotic.

Whatever happens about the forum.  Take Care of YOU.