Infidelity

[Done1111]

My story is long and it has broken me.  I have been through an abusive marriage, come from a broken home and an un loving mother but what I am going through now is no comparison. 
I was with my partner for 19yrs we have 2 kids (who are now teenagers) we built our farm together and worked well together, really no major problems. 
Until a year ago, he knew a woman before he met me who he had feelings for but she never entered into a relationship with him, basically just strung him along.  Then a year ago she hunted him down, said she had been trying to find him for 7 yrs.  When she found him they began a 7 mth affair. 
He left me for her and they are now planning their life together with her 3 kids (7,11&12).

I’m not asking for sympathy.  I just don’t get it. Why do they get to go and be happy? Why am I the one who has to work on myself (which I have) why does someone else get to tear someone else’s life apart and there isn’t one consequence for them.  They are off living their best lives and I am picking up pieces and trying to glue them back to me while more pieces fall off.  I just don’t get it. The crazy part is I still love him and please don’t judge me for that.  He was my everything and we had a good life together.  
I don’t want to be judged or told to just move on or go do something you’ve always wanted to do or join a group.  I just want to reach out to anyone who may have gone through something similar.  I am also looking for anyone who has gotten back with their ex after a break up.  

[Sparky79]

@Done1111 I'm sorry you're going through this,

I was with my wife for 17years before she did what she did.

I don't judge you at all for loving him still, I loved my ex wife for a while after the split.

I eventually realised that I had been in love with the idea of love and all its beauty, I was left with the dream, the dream that we obviously didn't share towards the end.

For me the priority was the kids, as long as they are cared for and happy she can do what she wants. I'm thankful for the lessons she taught me, for giving me 3 beautiful children, but I don't care or want to know what she is doing in her life, I want to focus on my life, build something beautiful and if the life that I build makes her jealous, that's a bonus.

I had left my wife for a week 4 years prior to the divorce, we spoke, I said I would only come back if we had marriage counselling (she eventually agreed, but she thought I was the only one with an issue so why bother), yes it was good in the beginning, but soon enough she fell back into her old ways. In summary getting back with an ex is never the same, the trust will always be lost, hurt and resentment can linger for a very long time and they will always go back to their true nature.

Stay strong, focus on yourself and the kids, you've been through a lot and need to heal. I know I didn't heal enough after the split and that led to issues with others.

You're not alone, many others have been through similar things and we are here for you. don't be afraid to reach out. 

[Bow]

Hi @Done1111  welcome to the forums. I’m really sorry your going through what you’re going through. 

my marriage ended due to infidelity and a number of other things, but that was the start of it. I married a ‘good Christian man’, he was in positions of leadership and everyone spoke very highly of him. I think due to my own history of childhood abuse and sexual assaults as an adult, I was a very suspicious person. I lacked trust and second guessed a lot of things and when I started catching my now ex out in lies, my mistrust grew and grew and I was suspicious of everything he did. Small things did not add up, he started lying about food, exercising, health issues, then it was money. Then it all came undone by be night when I went looking for answers and I found out that he had been having homosexual affairs, including when I was in hospital having our child. He would invite randoms to our family home. The things that I found, the things that he did. I had no idea who he was anymore. He was absolutely not the ‘good Christian man’ that I married. Our marriage was a rather unhappy marriage, but this, this absolutely broke me. But because we had a now 1yr old I wanted to make it work. I didn’t want my daughter growing up in a broken home like I did. My parents divorced when I was about 7. And I didn’t want that for my daughter. I chose to give my ex 6mths yo sort himself out. To prove himself to our family. But unfortunately/ fortunately? He didn’t want to, he continued to lie and I had had enough. We separated. 

Then, or shortly after that my mental health deteriorated rapidly and I’ve struggled ever since. I’ve developed an eating disorder and have been a victim of yet another sexual assault. I’ve had massive trust issues with leaving my daughter with her father due to the things that he does. She’s 10 this year and I’m still very thankful that she still doesn’t do sleepovers, but day visits with her father. 

I don’t think people talk enough about the effects of divorce. And how very broken people become as a result. I lost a lot of friends and carry my scarlet D around my neck. Some ‘friends’ I still see and talk to, but they treat me differently. I have zero desire to get back with him and don’t talk to him only to things regarding our daughter. 

like you ask… why do they get to go and live their best life? His off working full time, earning an income/super and I’m at home, caring for our daughter (im not able to work due to my disabilities, but I’m the one responsible for school, school holidays etc). I don’t think my daughter understands it all. I don’t even really know if she knows that we were once married? 

how are your teenagers coping? 
how are you taking care of yourself too? 
💜