Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[too-supportive]

hi, im just wondering if there is anyone else out there that can hep shed some light or help me with ways of dealing with a BIPOLAR partner!?

We have been together for 9 months now and I think he is absolutely amazing - when he is his normal self!! he has had bipolar-II since his father passed away when he was just 17! he has never had this handled very well as he doesn't settle in one place long enough to get a structure mental health plan up and going and make him feel like he is worthy! 

his previous relationships have never lasted because they 'haven't had the time" or "can't be bothered helping" so he feels like he is constantly a burden on me and anyone else!

where i am going with this is, he is currently in a low mood, hating on himself because a few things haven't turned out the way in which he would have lied them to over the last couple of weeks.

i know living with someone that has mental health issues isn't easy, and i don't want to sound like im trying to make myself feel better, im ok! im studying psychology at the moment so understand whats happening a little more than what someone who wasn't really interested would!

what i am struggling with is te constant lying thats happening. im ok with dealing with the moods, but am struggling with the lying - which is usually where the trigger of his moods comes from.

has anyone else experienced this and what ways do you deal with it? obviously not confronting him while he is in a mood is the best thing, how do i make it known that its not ok, but i understand?

[CherryBomb]

Hi @too-supportive

Thanks for contributing your first post, and welcome to the Forums.

You sound like an incredibly patient and caring person. From what you've written in your post, it seems like you're pretty clear with knowing your boundaries: You are ok to supportive him during his mood, but the lying is not ok.

Is this something that you've had a chat about? If so, how did it go?

I think confronting him when is not in a great frame of mind is wise. Choosing your timing when you are both feeling calm can be helpful. Another thing that might be helpful is to remember to identify him as a person, not as the illness. Within this, are behaviours and symptoms. I say this because little nuances in how we use language like, 'he is bipoloar' can sometimes overlook the other characteristics that make that person who they are.

Regardless of his illness, lying is a behaviour that is having an impact on you. Naming this (and providing clear examples of when he has lied), and describing it's impact (how it's made you feel) can be a way of raising his awareness of his actions. Relationships Australia has some resources about how to have conversations that might be useful.

We've also had a new member @KatieG join the Forums today, who also having some difficulties caring for her partner who has MI. You can read about it here. Also @mountain also had/has a partner with bipolar. You might find reading their experiences helpful. Feel free to contribute to their threads too.

Again, welcome to the Forums!

Hope to see more of you around.

CB

[NikNik]

Hi @too-supportive

I second all of @CherryBomb 's suggestions. Her point around 'behaviours' is a great one.

I think many of us struggle with the question 'when does the illness stop, and the person begin' It's really tough.

Just to add to CB's suggestions - here is another discussion you might find helpful - it's called 'wives caring for husbands' This isn't bipolar specific, but it sure does show you're not alone in this. @zipper asks some thought provoking questions in the discussion - maybe you want to contribute?

@cheersquad also talks about the her experiences with her husbands illness within the same discussion, which you might find informative.

Welcome to the Forums - If you need a hand with anything just ask 🙂

[cheersquad]

Hi @too-supportive

Welcome to forum great first step for you. My husband has MI and I agree lying is so hard to deal with. Trust is fundamental to any relationship and lying takes that away. I won't repeat my post from above but will say that you need boundaries and to look after you. I have a wonderful relationship but even since the post last year there have been down times MI can be managed but it doesn't go away.

Have you worked with your partner on managing his illness better. Lying is one part of it. Better management with professional support would help reduce it. I know in recent times this is not a factor in my relationship but it was a few years ago and nearly broke us up as all trust was gone. It takes time to rebuild.

Also try and continue to look after yourself as you will be a better support as well.

Who are your support network your cheersquad as I like to call them. The girls/family you can fun with or cry with and remind you how wonderful you are when you need it most.

Love the ideas and the conversations above so important to find a way to communicate. Very important for all relationships but even more so when one person has MI.

Hope some of this helps.

Cheersquad

[Attahua]

Hi, I understand how you feel as my partner has schizoeffective disorder which is schizophrenia and bipolar all rolled into one diagnosis. Definitely hard for the person with the illness but equally if not harder for the person living with someone who has this diagnosis. We have our struggles and for us lying about taking meds one of them!! I have learnt after five years that you just need to set clear boundaries (when the timing is right) and say that it is NOT okay to be untruthful as that is how trust is lost and in any relationship trust is the foundation (I believe!!) When I have not felt that I can say these things to my partner's face I have written them down and given him my thoughts that way. A relationship takes two people who have to work hard at it and it is important to let your partner know how his actions affect you!!! You have to look after yourself first so that when he really needs your support you are there to support with a healthy mind!!

[BPBear]

@CherryBombwrote:  'I think confronting him when is not in a great frame of mind is wise.'

You are actually advocating it is wise not to confront him when his mood is low arent you @CherryBomb.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @BPBear

What I meant when I wrote: 'I think confronting him when is not in a great frame of mind is wise,' is to choose your timing as best you to have a potentially difficult conversation with your loved one. Ensure that both you and them have as best a capacity to be able to participate in the conversation together. For instance, if either of you are in a low mood, or feeling exhausted, agitated or rushed etc, perhaps wait until the both of you are in better state of mind.

Now, this might be tough if either of you feel continual not 100% - that's ok. What we're trying to do, is just decrease any further stress before having a tough discussion. Perhaps pick a time of the day where both of you feel better. For instance, I know for me, I feel as my best in the morning after breakfast, as with my loved one. So I could plan to have a conversation with them around this time.

The reason I suggest this is having a potentially difficult conversation when you're feeling well equips both of you with with a greater capacity to speak openly rather than defensively.  I hope this makes sense. Happy to expand if not.

[BPBear]

Yes CherryBomb, I thought that was what you were advising but I thought your comment could have been taken the other way.