SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

[Former-Member]

Good onya @Owlunar, you're such a realist, and you make me smile. You have a good day too. 💜💕

You know, i'm do weird atm i'm only just having my first cuppa. And its almost 1pm. Not hungry but bought a pawpaw this week, its eady to digest so had 1/4 of that. Cleanses the liver i'm told.
Have to brace myself to ring my mum some time. Just wrote a letter. Shes gonr from ri going me 2, 3 sometimes 4 times a day to hardly ever this last 18months. Probably partly because I drew some healthy (survival boundaries) after my girl died (because it hurt that she made it about her all the time) but now with her terminal cancer this last 2yrs, well, guess she finally has her very real reason to be self absorbed. I just have to make contact when my energy levels can take it. I know you know what thats like

Wanna hear someyhing weird? I lost a set of car/house keys 18months ago hoping they would just turn up, and tbey did - yesterday i found them under my car seat. I dont get it because i've cleaned out the car a few times over that time. At least I don't have to worry anymore about a burglar using them in the middle of the night, silly hey, safe in my car all along.

Talking about money, yep, those who 'have' and those who 'have not' - a bit like a 'them & us' game. Throw MI paranoia in there and there's a recipe for all kinds of negative emotions and social mahem. I'm a bit of a socialist at heart, yet also believe in rewards for effort - but more present moment, not 'nest egg' capitalism. But don't want to get into politics and global economy here, never understood either.

With the 'reality' topic, our 'beliefs' are I think slightly different. I once heard a rebound psychologist refer to reality in thesr terms: "There is no reality. only perception" Wow, ya could have knocked me down with a feather, really got me thinking. And him being a professed christian - it surprised me that he would say that. Guess our faith / beliefs are a product of our 'perception' - our analysis of everything presented to us, theory & experience, internal and external, and we process it all, and make a decision from it - what stand we will make in life, concept of self, life direction, reactions, morals... Still got me thinking. Ouch, my brain, need coffee.. Anyway, I love a good discussion but probably more thinking out loud (typing) right now sorry. Gets me out of a rutt though, mysteriously. I'm actually inspired to go do my dishes (thats different this week lol). Sorry if I get annoying. Just lonely. Thanks again Dec, hope your day is good too.🌷🌿☕

[Owlunar]

I have an appointment with the hair dresser and my accountant after that - so I will get back

I love a good discussion

Wow  - that's true - what we perceive as reality is not the case for everyone - but what we perceive - yes - that has to be different

Back later

Dec

[Sydphotog]

I definitley suffer from this. I think as soon as daylight savings ends and the weather cools down I start the countdown to spring. I could hiberante in winter for sure! I hate the getting dark at 5.30pm, the cold, leaves falling off the trees and feel like I have no energy and want to sleep all the time. 

[Owlunar]

Hi @Sydphotog - let me take this chance to welcome you to the Forum Family

I count down the days during winter too - one of the good things that it is only a week until the shortest day - then the days start to stretch out a bit soon after that.

I look for signs of spring - they are there already actually

I have SAD too - hate winter - it comes every year - And I count the days from the first of June to the 31st of August - which is 92 days - so far - 14 down - 78 left to go - and every is one closer to spring 

And that is pathetic - I know 

I understand  

Dec

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

Back to your earlier post - about your mother and boundaries - wow - I set mine with my mother and she died - but believe me - for as hard as the whole story is - I have not felt guilty and I have no regrets - and maybe my ideas can help you with your mother - which doesn't mean I am going to write it all at once - just letting you know I have ideas and start

When your daughter died - believe me - it was all about you - and your mother trying to make it all about herself shows her insecurities and yes - to grieve you needed to make that break with her - and she could do what she liked with it - there are always consequences - and for her - I will say I am sure she has suffered - blamed you for her suffering - but now - what do you do? - what do you put in your letter?

My mother wouldn't let me grieve for my son - I have grieved - I have had a grief session tonight - but there you are - we are allowed - we deserve the time and space to grieve and if someone tramples on our little garden of small sweet flowers - uh uh - not on

Anyway - now she has terminal cancer - and has for a couple of years - and yes - she has every right to be self-absorbed - but still

You are still fragile about your daughter - and I forget how long ago that was - but your mother's attitude caused you pain and anguish - and I get it - I walked out on my mother telling her I wasn't coming back - I guess I had enough of being snarled at - it broke my heart - so boundaries - I get it - you need them now and I set boundaries and lived by them, my mother died full of regret but thoroughly forgiven - I could see what she was like

So - take the time to take a good look at your mother - and for scripture - it certainly does say "Honour your father and mother" but it also says - in Ephesians - "Parents - do not provoke your children lest you discourage them" - and I actually wrote this in a letter to my parents a long time before they died - and Dad was angry I guess - maybe he never read that part of the scripture - but here's the thing

I do believe your mother provoked you to the point of your being discouraged - as I was - so think now - you are still very alone and discouraged - your story has been a rough and tough one - like mine - and we want our mother's to love us - to acknowledge they weren't always right - ah - yes - when will that happen

Actually - it has to be your choice - your own words - but you can tell your mother you want to be there for her but it has been hard for you since your daughter died - and why - and that when you have contact with her it has to be on your terms when you are able to take her - well - for now - self-absorbed behaviour - too hard at times - 

But you can't do that all at once - but eventually let your mother know how you felt when your daughter died - and now - facing her death - this is something you would like - that she acknowledge that her behaviour hurt you when things were terrible for you

And I think having one of our children die is about the worse thing that can happen - I never want anyone to know what that was like - rather - I let my mother die never telling her - and it was hard

Step by step Lapses - I am sorry about my mother but I don't feel bad - I tried really hard to be on better terms with her when my father was still alive - but her intense bitterness cut me deeply - and sometimes I believe she was sorry

One thing at a time - I suggest that you write and say that you want contact but because you still hurt since your daughter died that it has to be when you are able to handle her illness yourself

It's hard Lapses - I really know this - but although I am sorry for the regrets in my family - they are not my regrets - I know I did nothing wrong - others did - but I am an honest person and I believe that if we are badly dishonoured by even our mother - we still need to protect ourselves

Thinking of you - take your time - believe in yourself

Dec

[Former-Member]

Thank you @Owlunar, that was lovely. Every situation is so different. I think its hard to see the forest through the trees" amidst ones own family. It consumes me. I can't think or separate myself around her. In a way I kind of said goodbye when you went above and beyond to give them a joint 80th Birthday Weekend 3yrs back. It was so hard, and expensive and required much organising, and stepping out, and 'turning the other cheek' from selfish toxic family members. But I did it, I needed to I guess, that 3rd yr after my girl died. It was a good example to set for my own kids, and even if mum and dad don't deserve it and forget it tomorrow (as one of my absent brothers pointed out), I will remember, and God. Sometimes we have to do the 'right' thing even at great cost to ourselves. That was a year before mums diagnoses. Dad nearly died twice since - infected Gall Bladder, Heart attack, amazing how they just keep going. My mother has a mental illness, lacks empathy among other things, I was the eldest girl so she dumped a lot ofbher mother issues on me, was not there emotionally for any of us. Thinks she was but only in terms of what she thought we needed. Control, we may as well have need stuffed dolls. There was no holding hell back if ever we cur one of her puppet strings. No, now I'm being dramatic. Truth is, I've just ran out of energy for her anymore, when she needs me most, nothing left it feels. In some ways that's good because she can hurt me so deeply when I just don't care about anything. What does any orbit matter anyway. She's always had dad and not lost a child or a sister (my sister stopped talking to me after my girl died - couldn't handle my 'melingering' was the message I got). My mum has 3 brothers and a sister who have all stayed in touch, even visited. 2of my four brothers haven't been to my home for over 20yrs (I have theirs) and non of my family (but offspring) have been to visit me since my girls funeral. Pretty disgusting. My point is, mum has had a much better life than she's grateful for, better than any of her kids. Dad has carried her, she never worked, was too emotionally unstable & disorganised to manage things well. Now dad has the memory dementia - she's not coping g but not wanting to let go either.

I pretty much gave up 'talking' at a heart level with my mum many years ago. She's too far hurried under all the layers to reach anymore. Pretty much lost, hut there in spirit for now. "they know not what they do" keeps coming to mind. Its sad and I'm alone but that's life. I don't wanna talk about her too much more. She's taken so much from me already

Dec, I'm so down today, this week, everything is piling up. pretty much been in bed for days, did go out Monday but nothing since. I've told the boss I'll work a 1/2 day shift tomorrow but don't know how. Wanna give up, but I fought so hard to gain my life ground back, gotta try harder to hang on or I'l sink under again, breakdown, act on these suicidal thoughts that are coming in bigger waves lately. its hardwr to maintain atm. Sorry, don't mean to be morbid, just need to tell someone, feels better already, just saying it. Thanks D, please keep looking after yourself 🌷🌿

[Former-Member]

A little sleep, a little slumber... maybe ☕ will help lol

[Former-Member]

Write about something that you feel passionate about @Owlunar. - something you have

[Former-Member]

OK, maybe I'm talking to myself this week but just wanna

Pushed myself out the door today, everything, life is so heavy / hard at the moment (moving, thinking, showering, dishes, veggies, cooking, even ringing friends and family, concentrating here, following conversations, or movie plots...). So, getting out the door yesterday for 1/2day at work and out today is good. For me atm. Really dragging my feet - the sad thing is nobody on the planet knows me well enough to notice, is around enough.

Today I made progress fixing some drawers - measured up water damaged back panels of two chests of drawers, went into Bunnings and they cut melamine MDF to size for me. All I gotta do now it tack it on. I was so happy they cut it to size for me - i have to use a hand saw which isn't as tidy.

I've been procrastinating on a chest of drawers atvhome for months, but yesterday at work the boss found herself lumbered with drawers with the exact same problem. Yep, i put my habd up to fix it. Its so much easier for me to do these things for others. I grabbed the toolbox, ripped off the damaged panel from her drawers in a flash (been looking at mine for months), took the panel and drawer handles to match up and - tada! well, just gotta take my tools into work tomorrow, to tack & screw them on the very solid pine x6 drawer unit. Very cool! Not to mention it gets me in good with the boss a little ☺

My drawers are being sanded and painted so the panel will have to wait 'till after the 2nd coat of paint. Really hope i can finish it soon.

The thing is - I'M GETTING THERE! And maybe God bought the bosses drawers along at the right time. Gives me a push 🙂

My back is sore but I moved, and went out. Got something done.

Rang my parents, not much changed there, depressing. Bro is stable.

Bumped into a friend at Bunnings, she talked so fast and all the stimuli and lights and people in the shop, and trying to focus - I was hopeless and can't remember anything we talked about. Apologised later but she didn't seem to have noticed.

Think its the anxiety. Sometimes, even by myself I break out in a cold sweat and have to sit, drink, everything starts to go yellow.  Like a panic attack but I can breathe OK, and no pain. All very weird. I survive. Only once did they call an ambulance but that was a full blown benign SVT (heart) several years back now. These episodes are different, enigma.

Hope everyone has a good night tonight. I'm Too tired to remember spelling to tag atm sorry.

Please say hi if you drop by, sometime, write something, someone, anyone ☺

i'll give you a free cyber ☕ 👍 .

Na, that sounds too needy, haha

Goodnight 🌃

Lapses 🌷🌿🐦☺

[Kurra]

I saw my GP yesterday afternoon @Former-Member because my pain levels had become intolerable. He prescribed a stronger analgesic but it's not the really heavy addictive stuff. I'm not pain free but my pain levels are a lot less so I'm very happy and a lot more comfortable.

I'm thankful for small mercies. 🎶