SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

[soul]

Take care @utopia my friend. 

[Former-Member]

'This difficult to be strong. While making my first cup of tea for the day (very late) I caught myself out, talking out loud, angry at police detectives at the hospital the night my girl died. I said "you people are useless" (dealings with them through years of family court battles trying to protect my girl from her father, juvenile justice and dpt child safety, while recognising the dangers and deeming her 'at risk' with her dad, the judge, after a 2day trial, eventually forced unsupervised time with her dad. Now, 2yrs later she's died, and they make another appearance (too f###### late!). I blurted it out. Oh God I don't know how to live this stuff down. What a horrible disgusting person I must be. And i even begged staff not to let her dad be with her body alone. Is there a @moderator around? Why after 6yrs does this still come? How... don't wanna live like this. Sorry. Gonna grab cuppa, try stop the tears and self hatred. Be back shortly. 

[soul]

It is difficult @Former-Member because as mothers we have that instinct to protect our children from no matter what. That traumatic time is something you will never forget and will struggle to get through. It means you are human.

Sending out a massive hug right now to you.

[Former-Member]

Thanks @soul, I think it sucks, that it invades my now, without warning, I'm still crying bit had my cuppa. Hate it when people tell me 'you'll never get over it!' - what the hell wold they know! (no offense to you and I know they're trying to help...) but it wouldn't be said so flippantly by one who's lived it. Nobody else has the right to declare it. Besides, I believe there is a 'getting over it' of a kind, in between the waves I guess. Does anyone 'get over' their childhood? Nope, we just get on with things.

Sorry for the outburst, this flashback has bought with it a huge surge of anger I don't know how to get out. At least I'm in touch with it I guess. I have a theory that not being connected to the pain of internal rage was the driving force behind past SH & parasuicides, I believe. Its a tricky business balancing things, staying level. I just wanna ho to bed now. My ladies afternoon tea is today, how do I do it like this? There's no place for the negatives there. Can I hold it in? If I don't they chip me for being absent and interpret it as weakness. Damned if ya to and damned if ya don't world. Need to socialise, need to self care. Probably retreat to bed. I'm not sure. Thanks for connecting we don't stop loving them, being mothers, even after they grow up and leave home, even after they die 😢 I know this well, live its good but aweful...
I'm sorry...

[soul]

No need to apologise. Everybody's experience is different and likewise how they process stuff that goes on in their head.

Do try to get to the afternoon tea. Sometimes we have to move outside our comfort zone. Otherwise we find ourselves spiralling down a deep and dark hole in the ground with no ladder to climb out of. It's good that you recognise the need for self care. Survival @Former-Member - you can do it!!

[Former-Member]

tnx

I'm trying. Had porridge ✅ medication ✅ cuppa ✅ Body not connected. Need to shower & dress I guess 😞  The neighbour is very noisy today - machinery, banging... guess he is a handyman by trade, grr! annoying!. But the butcher bird is singing away. Traffic. Dog is asleep cuddled near me. Legs crossed (oops, shouldn't do that), bum sore from sitting. Heart aching 😞 oh no dam-it, tears again, deep breaths. I hear a dog barking, the tin roof cooling as passing clouds cover the sun, gentle breeze in leaves I see swaying out window [these mindfulness exercises are exhausting]. I better get up, do something before I fall asleep again and lose another day. Love to hear what a @Former-Member has to say about all this. I'm do tired. sorry for not being cheerier:(

& death & depression & trauma & flashbacks &... Oh God, is this a pitty party? help! Gotta leave myself behind, I'm getting up. Grr😏

[soul]

Sounds like you're hyper sensitive to what's going on around you at the moment @Former-Member. Take a leaf out of your dog's book. So peaceful. Observe him/her. Stroke its fur and breathe.

[Former-Member]

thanks @soulsoul appreciate you, but I gotta get up. Wow, can actually hear cricket. 🌷🌿

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

I don't think you're having a pity-party - you had a flash-back and that always leaves a back-lash that really drains us.

I doubt that there is any getting over it - but yes - we can live between waves - or in the surf - I have just passed the 31st year and I got a bad flash-back last night - not surprised - I am not going to live in a fluffy world without the reality that people have to live with

You have never said what happened to your little girl - I have the feeling that whatever it was it was beyond your control - but you still feel like a bad mother - um yes - I feel I had to have something wrong about my son's life - but thinking rationally I did as much as I could and we can do no more

It sounds like hell - and today - think if you really want to be with a bunch of women who only want to be "positive" when you are feeling fragile. Sometimes I don't feel like cheering up - this is allowed you knowl - we don't have to be happy all the time - we can be unhappy - and choosing to allow all our emotions for a time is okay - by me anyway - and I have thought a lot about it

But I am sorry the world is impinging into your world today - I get that - I do not like it when people share their noise with me - so I make my own with the TV usually

Take your time - let it pass and allow yourself the space - I understand

Dec

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Owlunar, I know you know, especially now 💜 I'm staying home today, not good but better as have to survive. Survival mode, and that's OK. Going to bed. Thanks guys 💜