My thought is that you shouldn’t go too @Former-Member 
@Maggie, you are very welcomed in all the threads on the Forum , Ha ha like me i go everywhere 
Morning @Faith-and-Hope
Hi @Former-Member
I am so sorr you feel that way - and you have a right to your feelings - they are valid - but they are not sound
It really blasts me to think that a berearved parent doesn't deserve to live - that is so not true - there would soon be no parents left - it breaks my heart you feel that way.
Think though - this is the weather and your grief and your lack of friendly family talking - not the rational you - things are still stinging from your mother dying and your pushy, snarly sibs just wishing you out of the way so they could crash on your Dad and pick his pockets - so to speak - they are a rotten lot and we don't feel that way - I have seen no evidence of anyone hating you here - not at all
And they can pick at what they see as your deficiencies all they like - it only shows them up -
About the family gathering - I wouldn't go either - let them have their hate-party - you don't need to hear all that happening - we love you here
It is going to hurt that your girl died - still - I feel so sad my boy died - and he was suffering horribly too - I get it - but I have never felt that I didn't have the right to live because he chose too
Remember the name of the thread - Seasonal Affective Disorder - I am having it too - with the loss of some family members through death - my parents as well as others - and also not seeing many in my family because of my sister's toxicity - wow - some people can be so narky for their own reasons
It doesn't make us horrible though Lapses - it doesn't make you horrible - it just hurts and I feel this too
You are a beautiful person - to me - like a crushed gardenia - the flower might be hurt and broken but the scent lingers - how it lingers - and how I love that aroma
I might find a picture of a gardenia for you but I don't think I can add the scent - it's beautiful -
Dec
@Former-Member, feeling for you at the moment 
I agree with others who have responded already, unless your Dad specifically wants to go I would be staying home also under those circumstances. If people really want to see you both they know where you live. Placing yourself in a hostile environment like that is not good for you or your Dad emotionally or physical.
Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.
SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.
SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.
Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.
SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.
SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.