Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script

[Former-Member]

When I was still diagnosed with BPD, I moved in with my bandmate who's girlfriend was a nurse and said she wasn't gonna put up with any of "that borderline nonsense". I assured her that I wouldn't go out of my way to cause any drama; I am here to work on music with my bandmate when he has spare time. Anyway, low and behold, there were a few times that we had made plans to work on our music together, the whole band were going to go jam somewhere, or we were going to record something, and knowing we made these plans in advance, she would say to him he had to cancel them to do something with her. I didn't say anything the first couple of times it happened, but the 3rd time I raised my concern, and sure I may have been a bit melodramatic about it, but she just said, "you borderlines are always trying to find a reason to cause conflict". I tried to be reasonable about it, admitting my approach was off, but she wouldn't have any of it. This would go on for several months, and eventually, things got to the point where we agreed that I should move out. The band broke up soon after, and my friendship with the guy fizzled. 

If one were to ask her her side of things, she would have a different perspective, and fair enough. But there it is. I ended up reaching out to her a year later and apologized for my behaviour, and she thanked me; that is all there is to say about that.

[Judi9877]

Hi @BPDSurvivor . Thanks for asking about my BPD journey. Let's just say my PARCS stay was far from impressive in that the facility didn't help me with my issues that I went there initially for - coping strategies and emotional regulation skills - and they didn't allow me to work alone with the workers they said they'd provide me with to do this. I also struggled with how the facility operated with COVID-19 stuff with foods, etc, and ended up mostly providing my own as I couldn't eat what they cooked. Oh, and the clinical staff also managed to mess up my medications slightly and gave me a night med in the day time which caused issues for the first 5 days. I saw my GP today and got a copy of the discharge summary for Centrelink and I'm not impressed as there are many mistakes that my GP was concerned about

so there are likely to be further follow up with a letter to the facility about my treatment. I did manage to get in plenty of sleep and some knitting though which was a good thing as well as some writing which was a good thing!

I'm learning that when I get stressed or feel angry or upset, whatever BPD wants to give me, I utitilise my knitting needles and start knitting a beanie or continue knitting a beanie and I find that it calms me down. I've also learnt that I like soft feeling type things so I'm knitting a scarf in a fluffy yarn to act as a sensory calming down thing if that makes sense which is also good for me. 

Uni has come back into action again which is giving me something to think about and challenge my brain so that's great. I think I'm going to be really challenged with this subject that I'm taking and it may take a bit of time to learn the tasks required for the subject assessments which is a bit unnerving but I know that it will be all worth it in the end. The reality is it's only 1 subject out of 24 in my degree so we'll see what goes.

Take care forumite!

Judi9877

[BPDSurvivor]

Dear @Judi9877 ,

Im so sorry to hear your PARC stay was so 'limited'. I know many have changed management so that staff are paid less (the best staff end up leaving) and the company saves where they can. 

Yes, and COVID in the mix doesn't help. I was there during COVID, and the gates were locked so no one could go in and out. I hated that. Food prep was another issue. We still helped cook, but it had to be supervised by staff. I know later this turned to only staff being allowed to cook. It was a shame because food and cooking bring people together. 

Prior to COVID, we had several outings each week eg dog walking, beach walks, farms, markets. That's was awesome. 

The educational groups did continue to run. There were just limited numbers for each group and where possible, we had the groups in the outdoor area.

Anyway, @Judi9877 , despite the stay not meeting your expectations, I'm glad you could reflect on being able to relax and knit. Respite from the world does help. I've actually got a knitting machine at home which I haven't even used yet. I'll take that out at some point and probably knit a scarf or beanie for the upcoming cold Melb winter.

As for uni, I'm supposed to have a two week break, but I've got an outstanding assignment to work on. I'm aiming to smash it out at the library on Tuesday - there's no accessible fridge at the library which means I won't get distracted by my kitchen visits!!!! So library it is! Looking forward to it!

Anyway, let me know how you progress.

BPDSurvivor

[Shaz51]

hello @Netty78 

come and meet some wonderful members @Judi9877 , @BPDSurvivor, @Former-Member , @TomRiddle32 , @BlueBay  

[BPDSurvivor]

Hey @TomRiddle32 ,

I can totally relate.

 When I used to fly into a rage because I misunderstood something, I would smash doors, physically hurt people, run into dangerous places etc. This outward release of anger was usually around and towards people close to me. It never happened to strangers.

 This is the pain of BPD. It hurts those closest to you.

If I was raging, and there was no one close around me, the anger would turn inward - to self-harming.

 What hurt me the most was when people said, "You can control it because you only do it to us (people I was close to)". What they failed to understand is that if the anger wasn't released outwardly, it was released by self-harming - these are the wounds they usually did not see. 

Now, having worked so much on emotional regulation, I rarely have moments of rage. The therapeutic work has focused on prevention rather than cure. I'm looking at this to also work for you @TomRiddle32 .

Your recovery is dependent on the effort you are really and willing to put in. It IS a lot of hard work. It's not magic.

All the best,

BPDSurvivor

@BlueBay @Andrab @Judi9877 @WIP @Nells @Shaz51 @Aniela @JJ4 @vashi @BPDrose @Luca33 @Sarah_850 @Olliesmum @asdfge @SunflowerMe @magical_journey @Tbo @sarvan @Snoopy56 @Ellan @sanity41 @Laylah @Flossy92 @Bow @BPDSurvivor @Jacaranda84 @LouisianaM @Andrab @Theodora @Et68 @26aqua @LostAngel @Healing_Journey @TG1108 @BPDCarer1 @DJ228 @Name84 @TomRiddle32 @Dec @PAX1741 @Netty78 

[BPDSurvivor]

A warm welcome to you, @Netty78 .

 Please use this space to ask any questions you may have, share your story, or simply hang-out.

BPD is not a life sentence, but a journey of new awakenings.

I've lived it. I've proved it.

[Shaz51]

👋😀❤☕☕ @BPDSurvivor 

[Netty78]

I am experiencing another BPD crisis and am mentally nearly at rock bottom. Physically I am tired but going step by step with work on the farm and with the minimal basics at home. In my state of crisis I was that fed up that I canceled my psychologist appointment this week, in which now I am giving myself hell over as I need my next therapy session and now I have to wait 2 weeks before I can get in again.

[Shaz51]

hello @Netty78 

if you put a @ in fromt of members name they will recieve a message from you 

@BPDSurvivor, @Judi9877 , @Former-Member , @TomRiddle32 , 

[Netty78]

@BPDSurvivor I am in crisis now. My psychologist isn’t available and waiting times to see my psychiatrist are 3-4 months. My GP yesterday asked me what I wanted her to do and didn’t want to adjust my medication or introduce a new one to get me through my depression in my crisis because I have a psychiatrist to control that. My appointment with my GP was a waste of time yesterday. I felt so alone, stigmatised and unable to be helped. I haven’t felt this way since I was hospitalised twice in 2011.
The Government and politicians in our area bang on about how they are improving Mental Health services when in fact they have done nothing.
I really feel my life is worthless. How many times must I fall and struggle to get back up? I hate my life right now 😔😔😔