Lived Experience Forum

[sara74]

Hi @Shaz51 , 

I'm good thanks for asking, how have you been? 😄

[LolaPunk]

I have heard so much negativity from people,  even therapists, when it comes to talk of bpd. We really need to get rid of some of the stigmas and show that people with bpd are not 'bad' people, just largely misunderstood..

[Schitzo]

Thank you @BPDSurvivor 💚🌼 xx

[BPDSurvivor]

@LolaPunk , I totally agree. Just because it requires a different for of treatment, it doesn't mean people with borderline traits are 'untreatable'.

@Shaz51 @Schitzo @sara74 @outlander @Sans911 

BPDSurvivor

[nxx]

Thankyou for sharing!

[BlueBay]

Hi @BPDSurvivor 

The first time I saw the words 'Borderline Personality Disorder' was in a referral a pyschologist wrote.  He was referring me to a psychiatrist for medication.  I opened up his referral letter because i wanted to see what he wrote.  That's where i saw the words BPD.  I had no idea what it meant, what did I have; what was going to happen to me, what is happening to me, what will the future hold.  I did not know.

I was 45 years old when I was diagnosed with BPD.  As well as depression, anxiety, complex post traumatic stress (from childhood sexual abuse) this was all scary for me.

I started to google BPD and came across a book called 'Get me out of here, recovery from BPD' by Rachel Reiland.  I decided to purchase the book.  Reading this i could see myself in the behaviours and traits of BPD.  I was more or less reading a book about me.

It was recommended to me by a psychologist that i try DBT (dialetical behaviour therapy) as this is very well known therapy for BPD sufferers. I did a whole year of very intense therapy, one on one with a psychologist then group therapy.  I was very emotionally and phsycially drained by the end of each week.  It was a private clinic and it was very expensive.  

I did learn things but to be honest a lot of it went over my head.  It felt like i could never change, my thoughts and mind wouldn't change to how it was recommended.  I did complete the 12 months of therapy.

To me personally BPD has really opened my eyes into my behaviour, my very negative thoughts.  I can see a lot of what I do to be BPD traits.

I am still scared for the future, as I don't know if I will recover or can recover.  

To be honest again, i haven't explained it to my husband or adult children.  They know about my childhood sexual abuse, my depression and anxiety.  But they don't know exactly about my BPD, let alone how i am in 'crisis' sometimes and seek help.

At the moment, i really struggle with abandonment, rejection, attachment  and boundaries.  I have been abandoned and rejected a few times (parents and psychologist).  It's the worst feeling ever, to be rejected and left.  I might go into detail later with this one (if you want to know more).

Self soothing is hard at times, although i am startingn to use this to help myself instead of contacting my GP all the time to help me soothe.  Again this is an attachment issue and i am trying, with his help.

I do have an amazing GP who understands BPD.  He knows it's not really me when I rant and rave or threat a suicide or self harm.  He knows it's the BPD talking.  He is very supportive and is learning to understand me and BPD a lot more.  He has put boundaries in place (which i didn't like at the start) but now understand why he has.

i don't know what else to write, pls let me know if there is anything else.  more than happy to write more.

BB xxx

[BPDSurvivor]

Thank you soooooo much @BlueBay !

It means a lot to me that you are willing to share part of your story.

I feel BPD is such an 'unknown' condition, and people are afraid of dealing with pwBPD because it may make them look like a 'failure'. It takes time to see the effects of BPD treatments hence specialists don't often get the 'thrill' of seeing their patients recover. It may take years!

It's good to hear that you have been through DBT. Do you think you were too unwell to have the full advantage of the treatment?

You also mentioned that you have been to Spectrum in the past. Which type of therapy did you go through there? (if you don't mind me asking).

I am looking for BPD groups and supports. I have been looking at DBT group treatments, but they are so hard to find! @sarvan mentioned he was completing DBT online, but didn't find it helpful. I was looking at doing it online too, because there are no treatment centres near me.

I've never come across Rachel Reiland's book. I will look into it. I have read:

"Stop walking on Eggshells" by Paul Mason & Randi Kreger

"The Buddha and the Borderline" by Kiera Van Gelder

"I hate you - don't leave me" by Jerold Kreisman and Hal Straus

Another interesting read which I learnt a lot from was:

"The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris (not about BPD specifically)

However, when reading all the books about BPD, I found they were more about the challenges and difficulties faced by pwBPD. As much as I acknowledge and validate these feelings and challenges, I am yet to come across resources which celebrate BPD and how one can benefit from it. I myself have benefitted very much from having BPD.

Please share as much as you feel able @BlueBay . We are here together on this.

BPD Survivor

@nxx @Schitzo @LolaPunk @sara74 @Judi9877 @nashy @Peonies @Shaz51 @Anastasia @Determined @outlander 

[BPDSurvivor]

[Anastasia]

Hello @BPDSurvivor @BlueBay @nxx @Schitzo @LolaPunk @Shaz51 @outlander and eveyone

thanks for the tag @BPDSurvivor 

@Shaz51 you are everywhere xxx

Great thread, raising awareness, I love it!

My big wish is that one day the entire world understands or at least empathises with all mi's. We have such a long way to go but together we can start the ball rolling and eventually create the avalance 🙂

[BPDSurvivor]

For those you have not heard my story, here's a bit of it:

I was first diagnosed with BPD in my late teens. I always did very well at school, but then towards my last two years of school, I lost interest. I became very withdrawn, isolated myself, and became very depressed. The frustration caused my to explode with rage. The emotional pain caused me to self-harm. The lack of control I felt caused me to act impulsively so that I would 'feel something'. I became so attached to someone and had the feeling of jealous every time she talked to someone else. It became an obsession. I was NOT happy with myself or the person I was becoming. I thought there was something inherently wrong with me.

Due to a self-harm episode, I was admitted to an inpatient unit. As @BlueBay mentioned, the diagnosis wasn't discussed with me (or I have no recollection of it), but I opened the letter from the hospital which was addressed to my GP. It had the diagnosis 'Borderline Personality Disorder'. I had no idea what this was. As a teenager, I had no idea what to do, and for some reason, I didn't look into it.

Anyway, time went on. I refused anti-depressants, I refused group therapy, I resisted psychiatrists, I found psychologists 'useless'. In retrospect, I now see this as me simply 'not ready' for treatment.

Over the next 6 years, I continued to struggle. I disconnected from my family because I did not want to discuss my MH. I ended up packing my bags and moving interstate. The change was great at first. I thought I can start afresh where no body knows me. Within 5 years, things started going downhill. I came to the end of myself. I was regularly sectioned and in hospital.

Finally, I reached out. Please note, it was I, myself, who reached out. I was not TOLD by someone I needed help like all the previous times. In my 30s, I began Mentalisation-Based Therapy. 18 months in fact - group and individual sessions. I didn't feel the benefits, but I knew this was my last chance. I gave it my best. Eventually, towards the end of the 18 months, there were glimpses of change. This was my next hurdle. My MBT treatment finished. I was angry. I was upset. I felt abondoned. I felt life was so unfair. Just as I was beginnning to see changes, but treatment ended.

However, this what the beginning of my recovery. I was with my area MH team at that time, and after a few rough sessions, my treating team got to know me better. I worked closely with my psychologist there and have been going on from strength to strength and with renewed understandings.

Unfortunately, as with life, the psychologist whom I worked so well with, moved on. That was my next hurdle. @BlueBay , I can definitely relate to what you mentioned about feeling abandoned by your psychologist. It seems like it's something we always have to be mindful of.

I'd love to share more, but I won't drain you all for now.

BPDSurvivor