Life can be a Pain

[Former-Member]

hello @Owlunar

I hear what you are saying.....who was I then?

We can become lost in ourselves, overwhelmed.

When we emerge, feeling different yet again.

Living in the now xxxx

[Owlunar]

Every day is a learning-day @Former-Member

I am glad I didn't - couldn't - supplement my diet with chockie - I don't have any  - I have decided to lose a small amount of weight - and it's working

But replacement meals are okay - I used to be really up-to-date with my salads nearly everyday - but a short spell of not feeling well blew that out of the water - but still - healthy snacks are replacement-therapy and can keep us going for a few days if necessary

I wish I could live totally in the now - I have an awesome memory - I don't take any credit for it though it's a good thing to have - my uncle said I need a forgetory - he was in the Church for most of his life and he need a forgetory - we maybe all need one

Dec

[Former-Member]

hello @Owlunar

If you are conscious of eating healthily and it sounds as though you are, you will get back to it as soon as you have the energy.

short side-tracks wont hurt and we must not berate ourselves, something I used to be so good at. my own worst enemy has been said to me more times than i care to mention.

i am a healthy eater and have been for the majority of my life. Started out that way because I was a fussy eater as a child and only liked healthy food oddly enough. Focus on this stayed with me in the background I imagine.

well I must get off here now and get outside, the sun is out. have a lovely day. no need to reply. will look out for your posts later. xxxx

[Shaz51]

Hello my awesome friend @Owlunar xx

Today was a very busy day

giving you an update my friend , took mum to the heart specialist today

 The Doctor said that mum`s heart has recovered after her surgery to remove 15 inches of dead bowel 3 months ago now , the doctors didn`t think she would pull through the surgery but she did ,but she is  still very frail and very thin

[outlander]

Are you going to be around later tonight @Owlunar

[Former-Member]

Hi Mohill, Shaz51, Outlander - good to see u chatting.
@Owlunar, hope you don't mind me replying here, to your beautiful posts to me on @Faith-and-Hope'sthe other thread -  'Far&Away' thread - just don't want to dominate the tone there.
🌿Firstly, I want to acknowledge your loss, your son 😞 thats so hard, and after years of turmoil. All the times we save their lives when there young, clean, feed, nurture and love them, and sleepless nights, and dreams... to prepare them for adulthood - but their young life being snatched, stolen from us, gone too soon. Its so wrong. I do understand - I don't want to talk about it here but I lost a 12yo daughter and know the pain.
🌿 Its Mothers Day this week - do you find it hard still? I do (as if I'm undeserving or something because of the loss). Its especially hard when no children come to visit (now adults) and I feel so physically empty & lost. But this year I'm pleased that at least one has planned to visit, from afar. I just stay in bed otherwise (after I tend to my own extremely difficult ma of cause). So much becomes meaningless, or grey, since losing a child, most don't understand.
🌿 u said "I told her that I was afraid my son would die and she actually laughed at me - laughed - that wouldn't happen - I was told - I was stupid and go back to bed and stop crying" Oh, Dec, I'm so sorry you were flipped off like that, and by a very unprofessional professional. When are they gonna learn that mothers have a 6th sense about their kids instead of writing us off as neurotic? How dare she laugh at your very valid grave concerns 😞
🌿u said "I could pray and have the faith to move mountains - but honestly I believe that God was in charge - my son's choice was to die and mine was to live and my faith has only grown stronger" Wow, Dec - you are so strong - many fall away from the faith after such tragedy. Many have asked me how I still believe? I say "how could I not when I know we have an eternal spirit?" But quietly, its because He has my heart, was are inseparable, a big part of me, my identity...
I think Struggling with life threatening MI as a believer is harder because not only are we shunned by the church because it is seen as sin (or the product of), but Pentecostal s (my past gp) also advised to stay away from MH professionals (psychology & psychiatry...) with false teaching they are linked to the occult. But then, when you land in hospital or under MH care, they oft see your faith as a part of the problem or avoid the topic altogether. Doesn't help that people like my brother (has psychosis) walk about dressed in white calling himself the Archangel Michael 😞
🌿But you, you also have Chronic Severe Back Pain to deal with, day after day. You poor woman - the worst achings on the outside, and the inside - I can't imagine that. I do have OA everywhere & sciatica that flairs up sometimes but not every day and so far manage with otc analgesia, heatpacks, fish oil, nutrition and lots of the herb tumeric, rest - you know the drill ❤
🌿Thank you for telling me your story Dec, we certainly do have thingscin common - faith, grief, pain, MI (I think - do you have an MI? you seem pretty together). It does help to know we are not alone.
🌿With all that you have had to carry Dec, and take from others (i know prolonged grief, MI & chronic pain are still stigmatised) - its no wonder you have grown "thicker skin and a stronger faith" I love your depth of understanding and resolve. Look forward to seeing more of you here. Take care 💜💕
Lapses

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

You are most welcome to post here - this thread is about Life and Pain - and it is what it is - and I love your post

It was and still is hard to lose my son that way - he was seriously unhappy - I could sometimes feel it coming out through his skin - and in many ways it has been a relief that it is all over because I was so stressed out with everything I was fading away with severe weight loss - I was eating but I am tall and lost so much weight in the last months - it was dangerous. But still - it grabs me at times and I feel the loss and the waste of his young life - I know I did all I could

I knew he was going to die - he was into SI, SH and SA - and of course eventually completed the act - I didn't need to be psychic to know what would happen - people who do those things can be very serious - he was. That stupid nurse - I guess they just wanted me to go to sleep and have a peaceful night and it must have sounded far-fetched - but yes - I knew

And I am sorry about your daughter - you can talk about that when you are ready.

Mothers Day - I still have my daughter and grand-daughter and I am having brunch with them tomorrow for Mothers Day - this is fine - my daughter works on weekends - Mothers Day will be important - I am very proud of her

But I am seriously angry with my mother atm - I feel it's okay to be angry with her now and again because it doesn't consume me - but she never wanted to be upset - and she was co-dependent on other people and so worried and fretful. There was other stuff as well that I have mentioned enough for now but she was never a friendly person to me and this is hard - she died in 2015 and this is my third Mothers Day since she passed

You are entitled to Mothers Day if you want to have it Lapses - but if not - that's okay too. You were a mother - and I do understand your pain - not all my memories are painful but yes - I understand how dull and grey life can be and that people don't- can't - understand - I get it

And you have your own difficult ma as well - I understand that.

My faith is a huge part of my life - I think that the strength of my faith was revealed to me through the death - I asked God - I was so angry with him - but that's okay - God can take it - I asked God why he had to keep testing my faith. The answer came years later - I had to know the strength of my own faith - and I could not know it at the time but another test was to come as my parents aged and died - and I found that faith didn't fail me

I don't have MI - in the past I had reactive depression and anxiety - and now I have what I call emotional discomfort along with PTSD and grief issues - mother and son - I am emotionally fragile. I don't have a problem with religion and Mental Health Issues - I am an Anglican - I have spoken to other people of the Pentacostal branch and they have been warned that psychotherapy is not good - but for the want of a name - Jesus healed people with Evil Spirits - I guess he didn't have a problem with the hair-splitting issues of the words used

Remember when he came down from the mountain after the Transfiguration - and the story of the boy with epilepsy - I would have to look but I think this was described as demonic possession - and Jesus said those were hard to drive out - needing prayer and fasting - he was fine about it - healing people of disorders of all kinds requires knowledge and faith - we do have to have faith even if we don't always know what we have faith in

You are right - there are people with psychoses who are off the planet with their brain-patterns awry but we are entitled to our faith and yes - sometimes it can be an issue - but mostly - we are entitled - we might have to fight hard to be allowed but just because other people can't see to whom we are praying doesn't mean we are talking to the air - prayer is a private thing but in churches, synagogues and mosques people pray allowed to an invisbile God and it is safety in numbers I guess - but I believe and encourage you to to continue to believe and study also

Yes - I do have chronic spinal pain and shoulder pain also but less so - I have not allowed it to define me - I had a bad day today - I can really feel ill from it - I got chilly and this was bad - but I am okay tonight

I would like to hear more from you too - we are all stigmatised is one way or another - my sister is dangerously toxic and I keep away from her - she is not good to be around at all

I do think we have a lot in common - and it's certainly fine to use this thread to talk about all these things because Life can indeed be a Pain

Dec

[Owlunar]

Hi @Shaz51 - I think you are pretty awesome too

Aw - your mother had a massive operation - my stars - how did she come to have so many inches of dead bowel? - very few things make me sit up and gape - that did

My mother had 10 years of attacks of violent D&V - and my sister and I begged her to have it tested - but no - she would not

So when she was 60 when my parents were in Canada and she had ruptured diverticuli and nearly died - I really don't know what happened - family problems that have gone on forever - I was cut out - but yeah - that is a huge thing

Your poor Mum - how old is she now - it seems to me she is very frail - and perhaps elderly also -

Wow - you must have been scared - I have been thinking of you my friends

Dec

[Shaz51]

Hello @Owlunar xx

Mum is 85 and a half now

she has had problems over the last few years  where she had a couple of blackouts, high blood pressure , she was losing weight , in pain  going to the bathroom all the time

doctors did tests and could not find anything wrong with her , so she would go back home again

until Feb, when I went to drop something off for her before work , doors were still closed , so I used my keys and she was still in bed in pain and being sick

so we took her to the hospital  where they kept her overnight and gave her soo much stuff for the pain , the next morning the doctor rang me to say she needs to go to a bigger hospital 60kms away , when she arrived at the bigger hospital , the doctor rang  to say she needs surgery now !!!

she has obstruction of the bowel , if they don`t do surgery now , she won`t make it , so they had removed 15 inches of bowel that twisted and died , wonder why she could not eat

[Owlunar]

Oh my stars @Shaz51

That is so bad!!

I can't imagine why that bowel obsruction did not show up on a barium emema - but at her age maybe they didn't do one - she sounds very frail - aw - that is so sad and tough for both of you

15 inches of necrotic bowel - wow - my mother had a lot of bowel surgery - I feel as if she could have died too - but somehow she did not - yet I have never been told much about it - and yet I am supposed to know as well - my sister is a bit weird like that

I really feel for you - and your Mum - at 85 that is way passed being fit and active and able to cope easily with all of this - I am so glad she made it but it must have been awfully hard

Dec