Let's talk about hugs

[NatalieS]

@Phoenix_Rising, interesting discussion. The good thing about a virtual community is that someone can give a hug to someone who is doing it tough because they care. For me, it would need to be someone I feel comfortable with, however in the real world hugging and physical touch freaks me out! Being a survivor of multiple childhood trauma, I have been retraumatised a number of times by people who mean well and have wanted to soothe me with a hand on the shoulder, or give me a hug, which results in me trying to find the quickest way to get away from them, and then I'm so distressed and weepy and my heart hammers in my chest at a million miles an hour, and then I start rocking to soothe myself. And yet one part of me wants to be hugged. I totally freeze when someone invades my personal space.  Anyway, lucky we're all different.

[Phoenix_Rising]

Thank you for sharing, everyone. Now I am really curious as to why I experience the same physiological reactions to virtual hugs as I do to real hugs. I have learnt to "smile and nod" a bit in Forum Land, accepting that the "hugs" thing is well-intended. I do still find it very odd though, but I can see that this is because I experience virtual hugs in the same way as I experience real hugs, whereas what I'm hearing is that most people don't, and thus "hugs" is more an expression of care than an actual hug as such.

That is hard...because when I DO "hug" someone, or at least offer some sort of physical comfort (I'm not sure if I have actually hugged anyone in Forum Land), for me that is as big a deal as if I was offering that physical comfort in real life...and I super struggle to offer physical comfort in real life because I have an icky history of being told I do physical touch "wrong" and thus I have a LOT of confusion and shame around it (it's a very long and not particularly interesting story).

@TheVorticon I don't think it is weird at all to ask someone who's upset if they want a hug rather than just giving them one. It would never occur to me to just hug someone without asking first. I think the fact that people like @NatalieS and @Maggie have described how uncomfortable they are with real-world hugs from well-meaning friends exemplifies why it is entirely appropriate to ask before hugging an upset friend.

Thank you  @CheerBear @STORMGRL101 @Shaz51  @Mazarita  @Maggie@Former-Member  @Sahara @TheVorticon and @NatalieS for sharing your experiences. @Former-Member and @Former-Member do you have any thoughts on this topic? This is super interesting to me.

　

[Former-Member]

Hi @Phoenix_Rising

I tend to agree with what @Mazarita was saying about hugs in the virtual space being 'lighter' then in RL. I feel like this is a way of offering support, which can be hard to express at times online and by not having any voice or body language cues. I know I find it much easier to express my empathy and compassion over the phone then online methods and I view the hugs on the forum as being a way to express this.

I agree with you in that perhaps as you experience hugs on the forum in the same way you would in RL that this feels different for you. I can understand that being told that you do physical contact 'wrong' has resulted in confusion and shame around this. I think this can also come down to personal preferences as well, as has been highlighted here, everyone tends to view this a little differently.

I know that personally I love hugs but am also a little selective in terms of who I will give hugs too and who I am comfortable receiving hugs from. I feel for me there needs to be a level of friendship before I hug someone. Also as a side note: in RL I really dont like 'fake' hugs...I think this comes down to me valuing genuine and meaningful connections and if I view something as disingenuous I tend to have a not so great feeling after it. This probably also comes into play when thinking about who I would hug in RL.

I dont know if this helped to answer your question at all...bit of a tangent there

[Former-Member]

I'm a hugger, virtually and in real life.

Hugging sometimes is he only thing that makes me feel I'm still here. Hugging is important for me. I hug my family, my friends, my coworkers, my boss... the only thing that varies is the intensity and time frame of the hug. The closer I feel for someone, the longer I hug. I don't care about gender, and I'm not afraid when I hug people, I obviously only hug people I feel safe to hug.

[Maggie]

This might not be on topic, but I'll put it out there anyway. Remember I'm the ice block who freezes when hugged, but I am aware that deep inside I long for that hug from the right person. The hug that says it's ok, you're ok, you're safe. I haven't experienced it and might never, but it's a longing. Maybe the little girl in me is looking, hoping to find it one day.

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @Maggie, I have been reflecting on what you said. This could sound like a totally stupid idea, so feel free to ignore it but...have you tried giving yourself a hug? A few people suggested it to me over the years and I always reacted defensively because it seems stupid and I felt it invalidated my need for social connection.

However, I have experimented with it and I actually do find it calming. Physiologically, I have found that it causes my brain to produce oxytocin (the hormone responsible for the "warm fuzzy" feeling). It doesn't seem to work so much if I'm standing up, but if I do it when I'm snuggled in bed it has a calming effect.

I also find that my weighted blanket produces a similar effect and I find the weight of that super calming too.

Anyway, I thought I'd just throw this out there in case it was something you might like to try with the little girl in you.

[Maggie]

Hi @Phoenix_Rising i heard about the selfie not too long ago. As yet I haven't worked up the courage but I'm thinking seriously about it. The whole subject of touch is interesting as its a healing process once people get the hang of it, so I'm told. To start off with the cyber hugs felt a little strange as I don't really know the other person, then I realised I felt a warmth of caring. It's strange what happens in the space between our computers, sometimes we share deeper hurts, struggles. Anyway, thanks so much for posting, much appreciated.

[Former-Member]

[NatalieS]

@Former-Member Thankyou for the internet hug ....and i really love the picture, that's how I draw.... For someone like me who doesn't do people well, this is perfect.

Have a great day.

[Former-Member]