Let`s talk about Bipolar

[Spartacus1]

I generally can feel nice and flat if i go for a ride on my motorcycle. But not always. If im  either really up or down i usually just sleep.

[Acanthiza]

@DoogI don't doubt my diagnosis at all. It is the kids psychologists that are wrong. I think possibly I had hypomania at other times and just thought it was what feeling normal / good felt like. Or not! It is hard to tell, things kind of sneak up on you. I have definitely had mania though, at one stage I thought I had magic powers, that all my friends hated me etc. And have had mixed episodes for sure where I felt super depressed but also extremely agitated and full of energy. Terrible experiences I hope I never get like that again.

It is good to consider your diagnosis to make sure you are getting the right care but mine feels very accurate to me and I was lucky enough to find a dr with a lot of experience who is also extremely confident in the diagnosis. Depression is a strange beast I think, especially if you are bipolar, I would often think I had the "solution" or that one certain activity would solve it because it worked once. I am obviously not an expert or professional but I don't think feeling alright after a good thing happens exempts you from having clinical depression. Unless I am wrong! Because I really don't know much about the "official" stuff, only what I have experienced.

Ramble ramble, all the best Doog I hope you come to some satisfying conclusions, and if you do let me know so I can copy your homework!

[Doog]

@Acanthiza @Shaz51 @Spartacus1 @Captain24 @tyme .

Yeah @Acanthiza I suppose I too jump from low energy state, to high energy state for a short time and the into a mixed state. Anyway...

Back to an I don't know stage. Feeling the pain of being alive. Investigating how to end it like so many times before

I couldn't do it because of my family but for no other reason. What worries me that sometime in a severe  / clinical depression I will feel they'll be better off without me. I've come close a few times. I'm in the care of a psychiatrist and psychologist but we don't seem to be making much progress. 

I know my ravings do not all tell the same story, I put it down to fragile mental health.

I'm safe. I must keep going on this treadmill of life.

[Acanthiza]

@DoogI'm sorry to hear that, I am glad you are safe though. I don't know exactly how much I can say on the forums but I was very close also in the past, and at times it was only the thought of how devastating it would be to my family that stopped me. Well I found other reasons, I don't know if you want me to share how I slowly somehow made my way out of that. I didn't have any help, I couldn't talk about it to anyone.

I know it doesn't mean much and everyone is different but in my experience these things take time, sometimes a lot of it. You can go up and down, sometimes it feels like you haven't gotten anywhere and are back to square one but it is all learning and eventually you look back and see how far you have come.

Remember you are strong @Doog , everyone who deals with these kind of things is. I really hope things get better for you and am willing to talk whenever you want.

[Doog]

Thank you so much for you're response @Acanthiza 

Its good to know I'm not alone,  even if I'm lonely. I feel a burden to my family and friends.  They've been going through this with me, and must be drained.

I'm very happy to have found these forums to find people who understand that it's not like a blanket you can through off.

Dejected and depressed. Some things seem never to change.

[tyme]

We hear you @Doog . Please know you are not alone. I think many can share similar feelings of thinking that the world is better without them. I certainly know I've had these feelings. 

We are sitting with you @Doog . You mean a lot to this community.

[Acanthiza]

Anyone else been afraid of enjoying things too much? I have felt that way for a long time and now in light of my diagnosis I see that it is likely related to mania. Actually dang a lot of things probably are, like getting really excited by things then disappointed in them to the point of actively hating them. Hm, hm. What an odd thing this is.

Also kind of related but I hate hypomania? I read a lot of people liking it and missing it when they go on effective medication but I super hate being out of control, having racing thoughts, delusions of grandeur and all that. But again could be that what I think of as hypomania and what they think could be pretty different. Also things are pretty coloured by having mixed episodes, being depressed and having a loss of self control is... not pleasant.

Nevermind me I am just rambling away, trying to place memories into context. Maybe a futile effort! Where do the effects of anxiety end and bipolar begin? Does it functionally matter? I feel weird posting things, like I am annoying people.

Irrational maybe, but a person I do not respect much and who was pretty stupid told me said something really useful to me once (which is irritating, I wish it had come from someone I liked more) Anyway I don't remember his exact words but the gist of what he said was that you can't just apply rational thinking to emotional problems, they need an emotional response. OK there might be a bit of reinterpreting but that is what I got out of whatever throwaway line he said to me.

Where the heck was I? Brain is all over the place...

Oh yeah I was just asking if people are afraid of feeling too good and liking things / being excited about things. Wow that is all I wanted to ask, well I will leave the rambling for posterity.

[tyme]

I'm hearing you @Acanthiza ,

I used to think, "Is this too true to be good?" then... I realised it was the new me... so for me, it wasn't mania...

[Captain24]

I’d really like to enjoy anything. Just something that will alleviate even a little bit of pain for a while. I wouldn’t read anything into it as I just don’t have the strength too. It’s just a pipe dream. That probably won’t happen. 

[Doog]

@Captain24 I feel with you. I've been where you are far too many times. All I know is that I am still here. I've got through it. I can only trust in the process.