Infidelity and abuse

[CK8]

Hi,

My husband and I have been together for around 10 years. A few months after our youngest was born he began an affair with a work colleague. Unbeknownst to me the affair was serious and within a couple weeks of meeting one another they were already saying " I love you" and planning their future together. The AP was aware of me and our children and also had a child similar age to ours. During the affair verbal and emotional abuse began and became an everyday part of my life. Six months after they met, I discovered the affair but was led to believe that it was only emotional and that it was now over. My husband then said he needed some time apart to work on himself to be a better father and husband and we lived a few days together and apart during the week for many months. This however was an excuse to spend more time outside of work with the AP and even going on a holiday for her birthday (I knew he was on holiday but not the real reason or who he was with, again a claim to better himself). 

From that I then found out the truth and we began living together again and despite the promises, but the abuse became worse. I was blamed and did not receive the support I needed. 

I am now engaging various professional supports for my mental health, but I am called a negative person and told I am a drain on him. I am trying my hardest but with the level of trauma I experienced I do find it difficult and whilst I may not be this "brightness", I always remain respectful and try my best to be positive and at the very least remain neutral most of the time.  

[Ru-bee]

Hi @CK8, and welcome to the SANE forums.

I'm so glad that you have found this space and felt safe to share your story with the community here. I'm also glad to hear that you have been able to recognise that this behaviour is abusive and are receiving support.

From all that you have been through with this person it is understandable that you would be unable to be bright around him, that's a very natural reaction to what you've been put through. For him to suggest that you shouldn't be negative seems completely unreasonable to me, and invalidates your emotional response to the things that he has done. 

How can the forums community best support you through this time?

[CK8]

Thank you. I think I am looking for support and validation from others who may have gone through a similar situation.

[MJG017]

I'm glad you found this group @CK8, I've found it incredibly supportive.  I don't know, a male thought here may not be the most important to you right now, but I think your husband lost the right to blame you or criticize you in any way a long time ago!  I understand how difficult it must be for you right now, but he has repeatedly shown a abusive pattern of behaviour.  The level of narcissism here required to be given all these chances only to call you negative is truly astounding.  Personally, I think you've gone far above and beyond with him and at the very least, he should be thankful for that!

It's good that you are getting some professional support, I really hope that helps you through this.  Obviously it is ultimately up to you to decide what to do, but nothing you choose to do from here could ever be described as negative or draining, so I can only suggest you try not to make any decisions with that in mind... it's simply not true at all!  Having children involved clearly makes it all so much more complicated.

Like I said, there are some really supportive people who are willing to offer any advice or just listen to you.  Take care of yourself CK8.

[CK8]

Thank you for your kind words.