Hi @LostAngel
I completely understand the need to vent. It's so incredibly frustrating! I was very much the same. I'm in my mid 50's now and i've never really had a full time job and had my first relationship (of any length) when I was 43. I just never thought I was good enough and that fear of rejection was just far too strong to fight against. Being a guy, it's not like I had any fear from past abusive relationships or anything, it was just me being completely convinced I wasn't good enough and I would be rejected. Although I found myself in a relationship (finally) at 43... i'm still trying to figure out how it happened, it took me until about a year ago to figure some of this out.
I found out about attachment issues and it explained so much. Those doubts and fears that stopped me doing so much throughout my life were trauma responses and not weakness, failure, or just not being good enough as I'd always thought. Does this make it all go away? Of course not. But it has allowed me to question it and know that when i have these fear and the anxiety gets too much, it's that old trauma response kicking in. I know I need to take some time and make decisions after I've had time to process it. It doesn't mean it always works but it has made a big change.
I think the key thing was knowing I wasn't broken or a failure. That I was good enough and that the only person who thought this was me. You seem to have identified a lot of these issues in yourself with acknowledging it can come down to a lot of self-sabotage. And that's exactly what it is. There's this voice in us that wants to keep us safe... physically and emotionally. And it's very good at what it does! You can't get hurt, rejected, humiliated, or ignored if you don't let anyone close! It's very effective! But we do it for so long that we get convinced that there's no other way.
Like I said, for me the key as realising it wasn't my fault. That I had these trauma responses and that I was good enough. I was worth knowing. Yes some people wouldn't think so and that's fair enough but why would I want them around anyway? I was good enough that I had that choice.
So you talked about blocking that guy you were talking to. Maybe if when you feel that, don't make any decisions. Give yourself some time to decide. That way you may find it easier to make these decisions rationally rather than emotionally, which is where these trauma responses live. You may still decide to block and run. And that is fine. It takes time to change these things and there will be a lot of times when it's all still too much. It's never about stopping it completely, but learning to recognize it, and trying to change it. There will we losses, but you'll start to have wins. Maybe for the first time you will decide not to block the person and run, but just tell them what happened and how you're feeling. And you may be surprised that they understand and you will feel like, just maybe, you can trust this person and open up a little more.
It's hard, and it takes time, but the changes can come quickly. It will still be a struggle, and sometime too much of one, but you'll get to a point where you look back after 6 months or a year and see that you have made some positive changes and you feel a lot more on top of things. You have more supportive people in your life and it does feel like you're finally on the right track.
It feels like you've already made such a big first step in starting to question why you do this blocking and running, and all the rest. That is a big step. And it didn't take you until your 50s to figure it out. Like a lot of things is about time and small steps. Maybe its finding friends or people even people her who you get to know a bit who are understanding and supportive. That was a massive part in the start of the process for me. You can start to see yourself in a different light... see yourself as other people see you rather than they way we've convinced ourselves that people see us. There is no way on earth I would be here writing this to anyone 18 months ago! Or talking about my own struggles in any way. I still sometimes feel not much has changed. Then I look back and see that I have.
It's never going to be safe, and that is a big one to get past. But by treating yourself with more compassion and kindness, and knowing that anyone you meet has to be right for you. You can slowly start to change it and start learning to trust yourself. And trust that you will know who to let in, who to keep that protective distance, and who to avoid.
I hope this makes some sense to you and helps a little bit. I'm still trying myself to figure it all out, i probably always will be, but I just wanted to share that it is possible to start making small changes, even when it feels impossible. You just need to start by questioning it... which you seem to be doing.
