How do I negotiate this?

[MJH]

Hi team, 

I've joined this forum as I really need help getting through 'this' 

My husband has displayed signs of depression/mental health issues for a while and I have been pushing for him to get help but he's never done it.. 

It all came to a head a few weeks ago when it became apparent that he was delusional.. he'd shown signs of being confused/misinterpreting insignificant things over the years but  this went above and beyond.

He asked to chat with a good friend of mine and launched into a plan about how they can be together.. that she should leave her husband, and he me (and our 16yo) and that they'd need to do it carefully because of the kids etc but he thinks it'd be amazing.. In his mind it was 100% a done deal.. She has seen him maybe three times in two years - there is no basis to his thoughts. She was amazing enough to see that he was unwell and told me about it. 

I'm just so tired... angry, devastated, wanting to support him, angry it's taken this long for him to want to get help, embarrassed that he's dragged so many others in (she was staying with other friends when he spoke with her), understanding that it's not a rational brain that took so long to want help or dragged others in.. lost with how to navigate my feelings on it, lost with navigating the friendship group that he's blown up, I had to tell him (twice now) that he is no longer invited to her 40th next week and he seems agitated about that, he'd assumed he wouldn't go but was shocked that the decision was made for him.. I am drinking too much as a result.. which is not healthy.

He's started on medication and seeing a psychologist; today is his second session - week one was just an intro to the psych and how it works. He's doing all the 'right' things and I am glad of that but still so, so tired and angry and hurt. 

Hoping you guys may have some tips on navigating the 'support' role without losing my mind. 

Thanks.

(Edit - we have 'things' coming up each weekend til mid April, with various friends - camping, gigs etc and it seems hard to believe things will be so normal.. can it be?)

[Former-Member]

Hi there @MJH and welcome to the SANE forums 😊

I'm a peer support worker at SANE and I thought I'd stop by to say hello, provide some direction on how to use the forums and SANE services, but also to say that I'm really pleased to see you've reached out for support here – you've landed in a warm and wonderful community.

First up, if you haven't already, you can check out the community guidelines here. The guidelines are set to ensure harmony, respect and safety in our forums.

Next on the list, how to tag a moderator for support – if you need any help navigating your way through the forums you can tag a moderator like this @moderator.

One of the discussions started within the community that might be of help is this one – the lovely @Shaz51 has kindly provided a bunch of threads that might help you get to know others members in the community.

And most importantly, I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling the pain that can often come along with being a carer. It's not easy to be a support for someone you love and also maintain your own self-care along the way. One of the best tips I can provide is for carers to build and maintain their own support system, like you have by reaching out here, but also at times that might mean seeking help from professional supports, such as counsellors who are there to listen.

To that last point, SANE provides free counselling Mon-Fri 10am-10pm on 1800 187 263. This service is not just for those living with mental health issues, it's for friends and family too who might be looking for free phone, online counselling, support, information and/or referrals.

Our community guides do a wonderful job of welcoming our new members and providing a supportive shoulder. I'll tag a few here: 
@Shaz51 @ShiningStar @outlander @AussieRecharger @Snowie @MDT @Faith-and-Hope @Zoe7 @Eve7 

Tread your path gently today @MJH and please reach out if you have any questions.

Rhye ☘️

[Eve7]

Welcome to the forum @MJH !

I think @Former-Member has provided lots of tips for you so I’ll just add that there are lots of supportive people on here who will respond, just always as close as @tag!

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi and welcome @MJH 👋

[Shaz51]

hello and welcome @MJH 

yes , we need to have our own self care also to be able to support our loved ones 

Carers Hints and tips to Success  is helpful 

have you any support yourself my friend , someone you can talk to 

Sane chat line is always here if you ever want to talk xx

[Former-Member]

Hi MJH,

 I am not sure how you negotiate this. 

Just had one thought after reading your post which may or may not be helpful. Just something to think about arising from my own experience. I did wonder if your friend has been supportive of you in encouraging your partner to get help. It might be useful to consider if your partner does not want you to be socially active without them. In a way either intentionally or not doing embarrassing things which could challenge your support system.

Just a thought.

Best wishes.

[wellwellwellnez]

Thank you so much for sharing. This is a really interesting case. Normally, I look at relationships from an attachment theory lens but I'm instinctively feeling that there a lot more layers at play.

Actually, now I'm thinking about it, your man's just about the right age to feeling a mid-life-crisis style hormone shift. I've recently been through mine. It is amazing how a relatively small change in androgen levels creates ping-pongs throughout the system. Honestly, I didn't even understand what I was compensating for until I was slightly less able to compensate. I'm willing to bet these factors are coming into play. I'm betting here.

I would actually say that after a few years things have found some balances. I'd also say it took a bunch of self-care, a lot of self-auditing and a whole swath of "I feel..." and "I hear...." conversations with my networks. Close and far. Rebirth is the only way. "What rebirth?" is a complicated question.

It's probably worth mentioning that you'd be going through, whatever the equivalent is. I'll admit I don't know nearly enough about how it works on the other side of the hormone spectrum. It seems less documented and that feels like a mistake. We're all in this, one way or another.

[Lucycannon]

I think covid and alcohol is a problem on a very wide scale. We are all seeing our problems be 'blown up'. Each has to support each other. Alcohol makes for more conflicts. My wife started wanting 'Quarantinis'. I have been smashed in this department, spirits have killed my ability to function. I have lost control. If things went right my partner and I would have done more things like 'making each other not go anywhere' and realising that depression causes someone to completely detach and that space is necessary. Respecting the need to just have space to do nothing and be numb. Its a natural part of someones personal experience, especially when there is shame from doing something wrong. You might be fighting, tell each other that you are fighting for no reason. and space is necessary. Don't call eachother names. Just try to rid your life of that destructive behaviour. Say you love him and he is welcome home to stay. Men are supposed to get an 'enthusiastic yes'. Anything else is a 'no'. Say yes if that is your intention. Invite him back in if it is for the benefit of your child!! Isn't that important?

[Peregrinefalcon]

Hey @Lucycannon 

Welcome to the Forums!

I am so sorry to hear how hard things have been. It sounds like you have been through some really difficult times and these can weigh heavily upon us, especially at night.

We are all sitting with you here. However, if you need immediate support please do not hesitate to contact any of the following:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat 

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling 

Samaritans: 135 247 

Mensline: 1300 789 978

If in immediate danger: 000

Take very good care of yourself tonight 

Kind regards

Peregrinefalcon

[Lucycannon]

Hi,

I spent covid 2020 in a tractor. I had spent a lifetime struggling with social anxiety after having trouble with a punchy older brother. Then boarding school where I was given a pretty cruel nickname (it affected all of my life) it’s to embarrassing to say. I had trouble with stuff (thanks to my brother) and my school grades declined. I left school totally detached and received no help. My father got old, then committed suicide. I had lost my job and was the only one home. It was 2003. There were bushfires and war.

Skip ahead to 2020. I was in a tractor and listening to all the trouble. Covid. Birth trauma, other trauma impending doom. Narcissism. Bushfires, climate change Hannah Baxter etc.Coercive control. 
     Id been dealing with being a husband, father, working in a family business, dealing with in-laws in close quarters. There are numerous issues in the country and one of those is just being there and subject to community gossip. I had been having trouble with rising anxiety because I was struggling with all of my relationships. I had an angry short man to deal with who was getting old, he’s a horrible gossip too. and other issues like an autistic nephew and the questions that arise when you arent familiar with that.

anyway

a chain of events occurred where I became triggered by a near death of the mad short man and I was being bullied by other workers, and my family,  people were stressed by covid and I was totally exhausted after working too hard. My relationship was under stress because my in-laws are controlling. My brother in law was telling my wife that she could do better. I was starting to lose it. I was attacked by my wife and father in law. They failed to apologise and fix their unfair attack. I had the big amygdala hijack and took off.

I think I paced around for six months, mumbling and angry. They bullied me out of a job and marriage.

I have been suffering lack of sleep, triggering, anxiety, can’t think straight and now can’t safely interact at home. I now perceive my in laws as “the enemy”. My life has been ruined by a crazed old man. I loved my wife and children.

I have been constantly stressed by my in-laws and still haven’t recovered nearly two years on. The old man is too weak to apologise still. He is acting like I attacked him. There is an imbalance of power. My wife has to support her father and family, they are bullies. My house is on their property. They have threatened me. I can’t work. I broke my leg.

I wait, does anyone care about men in this situation? I was outnumbered from the start. They knew that. I didn’t get help from my wife. She was contributing to the bullying. I asked for the bullying to stop. People don’t see the cruelty.