Defeated

[defeatedmumma]

Hi, I new to all this but I needed to talk to someone, anyone at this point. 

I am so overly drained of all energy and lately it feels like too much effort to even get out of bed. I've suffered with depression since I was 15, after a history of child sexual abuse, and more recently, say about 3 years, I've been struggling with anxiety. I'm now 24 and a mum of 4 (my 3 and my neice full time). I know my kids need me but a lot of the time it feels like too much effort. My oldest is autistic with high medical needs and my neice has some isues of her own. It's just exhausting to even get up in the morning. 

Every day I try and keep it together, dealing with the kids, with my in laws, with so called "friends" who really just don't give a damn, with family who don't care. I'm a stay at home mum, and feel like every day the walls are closing in. I often don't want to be here and on the odd occassion have thoughts of running way and/or self harm, although its been roughly 3 years since I last self harmed and I guess that's the one thing I'm proud of myself for.

It feels like any attempt to do anything, results in failure. I enrolled in tafe after a couple of years putting it off. I was finally going to do something for me. I had kids young but now was my time. I was gonna study and get a job, so my kids could have the things I didn't growing up. But in the end it failed, because I can't afford it. So now that thought of "why bother" repeats in my head and it's there so often now, I can't remember what its like to not think that way.

I am so over feeling like I'm not good enough. I feel like I'm worthless, unnecessary and irrelevent and I don't want to feel that way anymore. I'm just at the point where I want to change but I don't even know where to start. 

Please help.

[Mazarita]

Hi @defeatedmumma, welcome to the forum.

Sorry to hear that you are feeling so badly. Do you have a good ongoing relationship with a GP, and a psychologist or psychiatrist to help with your depression, anxiety and recovery from childhood traumas? These would be the first places I'd suggest for help with what you are going through.

I have bipolar but the main part of it has been depression, since I can ever remember. I know how heavy and impossible life can be when struggling under that weight. I don't have children and am quite a lot older than you (past child bearing age), so I can't assist much with that side of things. I'm hoping another member may respond after me, who has more to offer you in that regard.

Regardless of age or life experience, the forum is a good place to at least be able to release some of the pent up thoughts and feelings, and to share with others who understand what it's like to struggle with mental health. I hope you will find it helpful in an ongoing way. Again, welcome. 

[defeatedmumma]

 Thank you @Mazarita for your reply. I have seen many physchologists over the years but none have truly helped as of yet. Mostly I've pushed everything down inside, because its too hard to deal with but the last few months have been extremely difficult. My GP has been helpful in some ways, mostly medication management but has referred me to a few places. Most have been dead ends and the ones that can help, I am on the waiting list. Here's hoping it doesn't take too long. 

Thank you again.

[Mazarita]

@defeatedmumma, it is unfortunate that many of us have to go through long periods of anguish while waiting to find a psychologist or psychiatrist we can relate to, or to receive other support that really helps. My best advice is to keep trying with the mental health specialists in the hope that you will eventually find ones who can be of real assistance. I know it may be difficult to keep this hope alive in the face of dead ends, but in my experience it has been worth it in the long run. 

Also, rather than relying entirely on specialists the GP knows of (sometimes they don't know many), I have often resorted to Google searches to find practitioners in my local area. Then I've gone to their websites to check out as much as I can about them online. Then rung around to find out more if I can, and if they bulk bill (I am on a disability pension so can't afford out-of-pocket expenses). This has worked very well for me and I now have a psychiatrist and psychologist who both bulk bill me, and who both help me enormously.

In the meantime, the forum may well be very helpful in alleviating the feelings of isolation and walls closing in, and many of us have a lot of experience with our own mental health and may be able to offer ongoing bits of advice that is useful here and there. If not that, then at least companionship and understanding, even if online.

Wishing you well, Maz.

[NotLabelDefined]

Hi @defeatedmumma 

following on from @Mazarita (great post by the way) there are some user friendly web sites to help people find a psychologist or psychiatrist which allow you to narrow down your search by location, specialty area, and other things of relevence (see links below which will open in a new page)

Find a Psychologist

Find a Psychiatrist

[Dogman]

Hello @defeatedmumma,

welcome to Sane Forum, I agree with @Mazarita and keep persisting with psychologists. on this site is an area called Mental Health & illness, have you had a chance to look in there yet? it may well give you some Ideas. One of the hardest steps is the first and you have done that.

I am older now but when I was Diagnosed I had 3 young daughters and my wife worked 100 plus hrs aweek. I have spent a lot of time seeing different psychologists & psychiatrists (in the dozens) til I found a psychologist & psychiatrist that were really helpful for me, it is a pain but you have to say to your self for now that you will not give up and your doing it for you and the children, once you find the psychologist that you feel good around and you can start sorting out your feelings then your going to feel in a better place about moving onto work etc.

You are not defeated, you are still trying and you are not alone, mental health is a journey, so is life. so work on finding that psychologist for you and work on airing and talking to them about the way you feel and start on a life plan of learning how you can better manage your mental health. Learn to love your self, their is a wonderful person in side just waiting to come out and by never giving up you are; everyday one step closer to letting that wonderful person come out. 

sending some gentle hugs out to you and keep going oooo

[Former-Member]

So sorry to read of how you are feeling. I too suffered childhood abuse and I understand.

Feeling worthless and irrelevant is the depression talking. You are anything but to your children - you are their world. And it's their opinion that truly matters in the end. And the one we have of ourselves - we are a work in progress and as long as we get up every day and do our best we never fail. Just doing the latter is success and in the end offers no regrets or remorse. Failure comes with not caring about anything or anyone and giving up. You are certainly not that.

I had four children and that is a full time job in itself. Especially having a child with special needs - at times can be draining. But not only do you keep up, you seek to gain an education. It didn't work out this time, but that is not to stay another apportunity won't present itself in the future. I am not certain what the arrangements are at technical college now - but don't you pay it back when you start working at a certain wage? It could of changed.

But you are right, although parenting is the most important and hardest job in the world  - you need to do something for you too for balance. Something where you find fulfilment and satisfaction. And some leisure time to enjoy yourself. Perhaps join interest or social some groups? Online courses? I find when I go out with friends who value me it breaks up the stress of the week and I always come home and face what I have to do a lot happier. The latter is so important. I also find a lot of meaning and satisfaction in my volunteer work.

Dont give up on creating and following up with personal goals and dreams. As if there is a will there will always be a way. Juggling time is of the essence as you have much responsibilities, but finding that time for you will see a happier mum. And being young there will be so much more opportunities and life waiting around the corner. Don't wait for it to come to you, be determined and go after it at the right time - success will be yours 😊

[Shaz51]

Hello @defeatedmumma,

welcome to Sane Forum, I agree with @Mazarita and keep persisting with psychologists.

How are you today my friend xx

[defeatedmumma]

Hi everyone,

@Shaz51 thank you. Today has already been rough. Feeling extremely overwhelmed and my kids seem determined to make it worse. Although I know they're mostly just being themselves. Feeling very drained, like I haven't slept in a week and very on edge. Supposed to have an appointment at home (service that comes to me for one of the kids) but I'll more than likely cancel.

@Former-Member, thank you for your reply. In terms of education, I'm finding it really hard to commit to what I want to do. It feels like I've been a mum so long that, that is my only identity and I'm having trouble re-establishing who I am besides mum. I guess my disappointment is more that I finally decided and commited to an area of study and it fell through. Feels as though I have to start again, which is dauting because it took me so long to get there.I'm trying to stay positive though, I am certain I want to study so I have some sort of focus, so having that gives me some motivation to start again.

@Dogman thank you. I haven't looked at that yet but I will, thank you. I've had a few good professionals over the years but for one reason or another I've had to move on. I guess I feel some rejection and a sense of worthlessness, when I can't go back to a particulary good one, so I feel reluctant to try again. But I also know I need to see someone now so I'm going to push through and try again. 

@NotLabelDefined thank you, I will definitely give those a try 🙂

Again thank you everyone, I really appreciate your kind words and encourgement. I hope you all are doing well and if not, I'm sending you many hugs and all the strength I can, in hopes that every bit of support, even from a stranger, can help you get through even just one more day xx