A rough week - coming to terms with the past trauma

[MDT]

I have had a rough week 

I have had to come to terms with trauma from my teens. I don't think I have come to terms with it just yet. But I feel that I have started to accept it. For a long time I had denied it. I had also been conscious of over medicalising it. 

But I don't believe it is medical to call things trauma. It just is what it is. Trauma doesn't need to be medical. 

I must not invalidate my own experience. I must be compassionate to myself. I must ground my compassion in the reality of my own experience. I can't lie to myself and I can't cherry pick or manipulate the truth. 

Content/trigger warning

trigger warning

I was emotionally manipulated as a teen by religious people and in particular one man in his 60s who i confided in with regard to very personal things. 

This started because of my sister's illness when I was a kid and I had to grow up pretty quickly. I turned into a religious zealot at such a young age and it manipulated my self worth and my self value. 

This is something I have come to terms with as I have gotten older. 

Healing is always always possible. But having an understanding of what the thing is that has caused me grief or trauma in the past is key. I believe I now have. 

I have heard it said that we only really come to terms with things from the past at a later stage - for me it looks like almost 10 years. 

I've always been a high functioning person but what I haven't been is high performing. I guess I have answer now - the thing holding me back was never clearly articulated. I booked in to see my psych earlier than i had anticipated since last session. 

Its a complex beast and I believe the more i work at understanding it the more i will be able to tame it. 

The sun still rises and it sets just the same. 

Last week working at the election was interesting because everyone i spoke to there was struggling at some level and had put an end to the things that bought them grief or trouble. I was the same. 

I must learn to stop comparing myself to those around me now of a similar age or experience level or whatever. We all have our trauma and our history. It's just that some are more capable of hiding it. OR maybe some are fortunate enough to not have it. I mean its life isn't it? It is what it is. 

Compare myself to who i was. That is when true growth begins 

[MDT]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kgjLAGAtjg

[BlueBay]

Hugs my darling friend @MDT 

As you know I have childhood trauma which only came to me 11 yrs ago and still dealing with it 
Sending you love and strength xxx

[MDT]

Cheers @BlueBay
I'm on a new approach i guess but idk.

[Jessie21]

@MDT, discovering and learning to live with past trauma is not easy. I recently listened to a meditation on coping with PTSD. I was moved by the view that like our scars we have on our body, we can have internal scars from trauma. Theses internal scars like our external scars show that we have lived, learned from life and makes a unique and beautiful compassionate person. I started to think about this and thought that this idea is very much like that Japanese art of glueing broken pottery back together then painting gold over the cracks. These repaired pottery pieces are not perfect but uniquely beautiful in their own right. I think for me self care and meditation helps me to live with my internal scars and be a kinder and more caring person 💕🌹

[tyme]

That is so beautifully put @Jessie21 . I really appreciate it.

We are perfectly imperfect.

tyme

[MDT]

Thanks @Jessie21
Thats some good imagery there and thanks for it 🙂

[NatureLover]

Hidden content is for @MDT : Trigger Warning: Religion

Content/trigger warning

@MDT  have you heard of Religious Trauma Syndrome? I have it also. 

I was also a religious zealot, or extremely committed, for 15 years, age 21 to 36. Wasted the prime of my life on it. Till I had a nervous breakdown and the church abused me and rejected me. I call myself secular now, although I still have the Christian worldview. 

I have had a lot of healing from the religious trauma through therapy, but religious things can trigger me still. 

I hope the session with your psych goes well @MDT ...

[MDT]

I haven't heard of that no @NatureLover
But thanks for sharing it. It is nice to know there are some themes you could relate to.
If its not too much to reflect on I think there is a piece of scripture that I recall. Its pretty secular.
"whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."
Its from proverbs I think. But I like what it is aiming at.
I was thinking this morning too of how things change so quickly now. We barely have enough time in this day and age.
Another quite I love comes from dawkins
"We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born. The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never see the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Arabia. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets than Keats, scientists greater than Newton. We know this because the set of possible people allowed by our DNA so massively exceeds the set of actual people. In the teeth of these stupefying odds it is you and I, in our ordinariness, that are here.We privileged few, who won the lottery of birth against all odds, how dare we whine at our inevitable return to that prior state from which the vast majority have never stirred?"
Thats us here now my friend. We are here in our ordinariness.
One day walking somewhere in my city I saw two elderly gentlemen holding hands. It occurred to me that they were partners and probably grew up in a world that didn't accept them.
I guess my point in sharing these quotes and stories is to remind myself and you too that there is always renewal.
You say from 20s to early 30s you were a zealot. It is what it is hey?
In the end religion I think is a tool we have to carve a path in this world. Eventually we need something stronger.
I was at a school friend's wedding about 2 months back and saw religious friends from way back. Well... that was them set for life. Had houses and marriages. Trying for kids.
Thsts their lot and its okay. But I told my cousin on the same day who I saw at my other cousins wedding - that these guys were set for life and if they had a change of heart.... well then the cost would be great.
I guess my point is that the flexibility of mind and outlook that we have being on our side of the fence (former zealots lol) is that we are adapting. Much like our prehistoric ancestors.

Take care of you my friend. I feel you sharing that story with me had helped us both.

[NatureLover]

Thanks for your thoughtful reply, @MDT .

I immediately reacted when you quoted scripture...but I made myself think it through, and I do agree witrh you. I didn't mention, but I went to a live-in Bible College and got a degree in theology, so scripture is triggering for me! It actually wasn't the degree that caused my break with religion, but the religious abuse by the church. 

Do you still read the Bible, or is that quote from memory? I still have one Bible in the house, but never read it. It's all in my head, the scripture quotes, and they pop up from time to time unfortunately.

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@MDT wrote:
"We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born.

I never thought of this before - thanks for the perspective. 

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@MDT wrote:
...these guys were set for life and if they had a change of heart.... well then the cost would be great.

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Very true. 

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@MDT wrote:
Take care of you my friend. I feel you sharing that story with me had helped us both.

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Thank you... you too 🙂