Lived Experience Forum

[TAB]

was at work today re slow reply sorry @Emelia8 

[Teej]

Hey @eth , 

I just got to read your post from my tag. I'm really sorry to hear that things have been so rough. 

I just want to share with you that I experienced something similar at the beginning of the year with my very supportive brother. He started to get frustrated with me when he was staying here. He was trying to control me and fix me through that frustration. I felt like a piece of garbage and that I didn't deserve his help. In the past 3 months it's been my eldest son who has done the same. He wanted me to be strong and independent by now and I'm not. It put a huge strain on our relationship. He moved out a couple of weeks ago, we were at breaking point at the time but luckily realised it before too much damage was done. The day before he moved out we talked about it and both cried. 

I think the men in our lives who have truly got our back sometimes feel inadequate that they can't fix us or get angry because they think if we'd done what they suggested that we'd be 'fixed' by now. Both the men in my life that do this are really strong independent people. If they need to do hard things they just do. They don't understand those that don't fit their moulds. In my case and I'm sure yours too I know that they care and try and are there for me. 

ive missed so much of what's been happening for you and I probably have missed the mark for this. I know this doesn't change much of the hurt you'd feel for now. It didn't for me, and in fact made the hurt unbearable at times. The thing that helped me the most were having space from them. It helped to tell my oldest son what it feels like having someone watch over your every move and feeling judged. It becomes a vicious cycle and that cycle affected my mental health more and more.

I gather things have been extra tough with having good support worker support. 

im wondering if you could find a way to write how you feel in a letter, and address the things that you could do to help the relationship from your end and ask him from his. That might be having a break from speaking to each other for a bit in a planned way to try and have a new beginning. For me personally my visits to mh respite have been so helpful in this situation. 

im really sorry if I've missed the mark with writing this. I identified with your post talking about your brother and wanted to share my experiences and to let you know that I'm sorry things have been so rough. 💜🤗

[eth]

Hi @Teej  lovely.  Thankyou so much for your well thought out response to my situation.  I really appreciate your words and understanding - sounds like we've really had a similar situation.  Unfortunately as we live on the same suburban block my brother and I can't really take a break from each other.  Writing him a letter or trying to speak directly with him about how his outbursts affect me and trying to find a gentler way of suggesting things is exactly what my psychologist suggested too.  I just don't feel like I can at the moment.  I am scared that I would only flare things up even more, can't risk him having a negative reaction.  Once before he said to me that if I thought being here wasn't good for my  mental health then I know where the door is.  It seems like he bottles things up for a while and then lets loose with anger.  Anger terrifies me still - so many of the men in my life to date have intimidated me with angry outbursts.  

Sorry to hear things have been tough for you  too.  I remember how much of a relief it was for you when you moved to your current situation.  As it was for me.

I think the crux of the matter with my bro is that he doesn't accept my interpretation of Recovery Model   and expects me to be cured as such ( particularly re complex and chronic PTSD).  

Thanks again and wonderful to hear from you.  Take care my friend xx

[eth]

Hi and good morning to everyone who's tagged me over the last 3 days when I've not been here, and to all passing here.  @Zoe7 @Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope @Anastasia @Appleblossom @Maggie @greenpea @TAB @Bezak482 @Exoplanet  @Emelia8 @frog   I can't say strongly enough how grateful I am for all your support.  And @Angels333 @MDT @Fluttershy1 @Judi9877 @BlueBells @DJMasters   hi to you all too.

So many more I am thinking of lately.

I'll try to read all your messages this morning, but not sure I'll have the words or time to respond to all individually as I have something on in an hour.  Just know I am thinking of and supporting you all from the background.  Life's been a big challenge this week since events on Sunday.  I do have good support offline - have discussed it all with 2 support workers and my psychologist - but it was exhausting to do so and bring up the depth of emotions around the situation with bro.  In the meanwhile I've done some time on one of the jobs he said I should do more often, and masked my feelings to 'seem' to him - seem as if I haven't been so rattled to the core by his outburst, seem as if I'm acting on all the things he took me to task over ....

Thanks again for just being here everyone.  So much appreciated.  s to all xx

[Teej]

@eth I find the same with angry outbursts especially from men. It's a tricky one as I've been learning about anger and the need to release it. It's a pretty complex emotion for men especially (that's a very generalised comment because I know it's not all men). Many men have not been taught to feel, understand and then deal with it. 

on Christmas Day last year my eldest son told me that he felt like I was a ball and chain, (except his exact expression much more hurtful than those words). That was debilitating for me. It bought up strong suicidal thoughts. In a stroke of luck he left the next day for a two week vacation. We needed space so much. He then skyped me whilst on vacation from the top of a scenic mountain because he wanted to share the view with me, knowing I'd love it. This year we've had to work on a few things. 
One thing we both know is that the more stresses and out of control his world is the more he turns that into trying to control me. I think there is a two fold thing that goes on when we can't match the expectations of our men/carers. One is that they struggle with the responsibility and emotions of being our carers even though, for both you and I, that is not how we see them. I guess it's a partly selfish but understandable and an human thing to constantly feel that anger/frustration because of the responsibility and overwhelm when things don't go like they'd planned. I think the second part is the reason they've done and do what they do for us. That is because they love us and really really want us to be ok. 

Im so on board with your thoughts about the recovery model you shared as being the most important part. I don't think anyone else can understand or appreciate it until they've walked in your shoes. It's very much what I am aiming for too. 

Lastly I'm not sure if you've got your own bathroom facilities in your building. I think I was more suggesting just choosing not to visit the house for a few days/week. Maybe then talk yourself into this is your break and chance to regroup. Lastly I'm not sure what your NDIS funding permits but I'm wondering if you could access a mh respite program. I know that anxiety over something new might be a big obstacle. The program I've done is usually an experience based one so you are doing different activities each day with mh being always at the forefront of the experiences. By that I mean they do things like going to a zoo or an art gallery but the support workers understand the mh challenges people have individually with these types of experiences and therefore tailor their support during those experiences. I feel like that was really wordy and possibly not a good explanation. Long story long they always gave me a chance to breathe and my son to breathe. When I came back things were always calmer for both of us.

i hope today is an ok day for you and that things pick up. Thinking of you💜🤗

[Faith-and-Hope]

Feeling it for you too @eth ..... it's not only the anger, it's the fact that it is a controlling anger that is so invalidating, and then they can just "switch" ..... like @Teej said ..... you suddenly receive a view from the top of a mountain as though their previous words haven't gone right through you ......

Hugs n hugs to both of you ..... 💜🌷

[greenpea]

@eth  Hey sweetheart I was wondering is bro having problems in his marriage? which might explain this almost sudden change of heart ..... it all seems so strange to the pea.

[Appleblossom]

@eth 

Hang in there and carve out a workable living arrangement for YOU. 

@Teej 

I appreciate the discussion here about gender and close male relatives/spouses and anger.

I dont think it is an issue just for us.  Society as a whole is really struggling with all these things. Spousal violence and pressure on families is huge, despite all the progress in health understandings and living conditions.  Yes, to the needs and legitimacy of some expression of anger, but also how damaging it can be.  Either way, tho, out or in.

I believe there is an illusion of control and efficacy that is not quite in line with reality.  Today's societies are so complicated and there is pressure to perform on everybody, which tests all intimate and family relationships.

I have been "taken to task" quite a lot by my children, especially my son, who have no idea how many thousands of daily acts it has taken to bring them up.  So many false expectations, undermine the growth of what could be good experiences and memories.

Cant say more. Just sending LOVE. Hope you all find a way.

[Anastasia]

Oh @eth 

You beautiful human you ❤️

I have been thinking about you, wondering how you are. I'm glad you have good supports in place and kudos to you for putting actions in place to protect your beautiful heart. The future is bright keep moving forward hun, you've got this x

[Anastasia]

Hello @Emelia8 

How was your day lovely?