A long rave

[TAB]

eeh yah thats no good @Angels333 

[eth]

Good morning @Angels333 @TAB @outlander @Former-Member @MDT @Shaz51 @Jupiter @Exoplanet @CheerBear @Maggie @Faith-and-Hope @Zoe7 @greenpea @Appleblossom @Mazarita @Adge  and to anyone else passing here today.  Once again I've been absent for a couple of days so I want to thank those who have tagged me and keep me in the loop.  I will read all your posts shortly and respond where I can but wanted to say hi here first - so Hi!

I had a really hard day yesterday - my hand tremors came back with a vengeance and made it impossible for me to do a couple of things the way I wanted to (eg self help phone banking).  I was able to find other ways to achieve the tasks (and simply avoided some) but it really really spiked my anxiety.  I have been worrying about regressing during this time of not being able to do anything independently of family, increased agoraphobia etc and this happening seemed to confirm those fears are soundly based.  I am so afraid of the loss of independence I had when I had the tremors for a few years before I came here.  A change of meds as soon as I started with a new psychiatrist in 2017 seemed to be what made them go away.  I was really unprepared to feel them again so strongly, so many feelings and fears.  None of my meds have changed so I don't know what's caused it.   And then I upset my brother with the way I expressed that anxiety.  It was really hard to get through that interaction, which lasted around 1/2 an hour.  He really doesn't understand that when I'm panicked (or 'flooded' with feelings, adrenalin etc) I am not able to just choose to control my thinking or speech.  He was angry and I felt totally shattered, defensive and weepy.  And then started fearing for my situation here - I really don't want to make others have those feelings.  I could rave more about it here but I think you get the picture by now.  Have to do some more online tasks today and am just hoping the tremor doesn't happen again.  Dr's call it an 'intention tremor' and it is very much task related, particularly when it's anything online relating to finances.  I still have to change my bank details on all the things that are auto deducted since being hacked 10 days ago.  And I need to do an online shopping order.  Delaying getting started atm.   

Thanks for listening.  

I hope today has started gently for you all and goes according to plan for everyone (myself included).   Take care until we speak again.  xoxo

[Maggie]

@eth  I don’t know what to say, it sounds overwhelming and scary. I want to let you know I’m hearing you, caring, and sending 💙💙💙💙

[MDT]

Hey @eth
You are going through a fair bit hey.
Just take it step by step. Prioritise what you need to as well.
Keep us posted and take care my friend

[Former-Member]

@eth  👂👀😔💕

[eth]

Thanks Mags and Hams  @Maggie @MDT  and you too @Former-Member  xoxo

[TAB]

geez thats hard @eth  hopefully it blows over til you can find own place. Ive been turfed out a few times, who evers place it is is always right it seems no matter how irrational or wrong they are, best not to have to rely on others in the long run. 

[eth]

Thanks @TAB s.  Yeah it definitely feels like they have the power in this situation.  Have just had to forward them a copy of my latest psychiatrist's report and fear another reaction coz of some of what's in it.  Fingers crossed.  

Doing the public housing applic'n just means I go on a waiting list that is many years long, I really don't have any other options e.g. private rental coz I simply can't afford it.

[TAB]

oh I thought you were getting a place soon @eth  yes rent is a huge part of my income, but cant bear not having my own space, well site caravan wasnt bad at times,  well except for walls could put hands through and a/c that barely worked etc but guess could have addressed that even if at own expense. Hope things settle again.

[outlander]

Sending lots of hugs and love @eth it sounds really difficult atm. I can understand the regression of things, this pandemic has affected many people esp those with mh issues. Its made it really hard to see our supports and keep working forward with everything.
Im sorry about your tremor too, that sounds like a challange in itself and hope that the dr might be able to work out what might have brought it out now if its been controlled for a while-maybe its your body's reaction to stress and anxiety atm?